the gold medallion

Started by gooner April 8th, 2009 2:29 PM
  • 625 views
  • 3 replies
Seen April 9th, 2009
Posted April 9th, 2009
9 posts
14.1 Years
PROLOGUE


“You ready?” Steve asked, “or are you still thinking about coming with me to look for this treasure.” His eyes intensified on mine.
“I’m going with you Steve but the question is whether to look in Drayton’s cave or mt. St flare?” Kate replied pondering.
“lets just go to erm… Drayton’s cave.” Steve yelled energetically.
We set off down the long sandy beach. The tide was coming in. The corpish blowing bubbles as the fading light from the sun reflected off them. We eventually ended up at the cave at the end of the beach.
“what do we have here?” a manectrick asked, “a totadile and chikorita, are you looking for this,” and he showed us a gold medallion. He charged up electricity and charged at Kate giving her no chance as she collapsed to the ground. Steve used vine whip and knocked the medallion out of manectrick’s hand. Steve instantly threw himself at Kate trying to protect her from further harm. Kate was his best and only friend. He could not stand losing her. The medallion fell on Kate and then Steve was knocked unconscious.

Neither of them knew what had just happened or that their world had been turned upside down forever.






chapter one and maybe two should be ready for this weekend

emoBill™

† мазохист †

Age 30
Male
Россия // Russia
Seen May 18th, 2010
Posted March 29th, 2010
763 posts
17.4 Years
Oookay. Let's get to work on this, shall we?
“You ready,” Steve asked, “or are you still thinking about coming with me to look for this treasure?” His eyes intensified on mine.
The corrections are in bold. And what does 'his eyes intensified on mine' mean? It's not a very good description, as I have no real idea what 'intensifying' on someone else's eyes is.
“I’m going with you Steve, but the question is: should we look in Drayton’s Cave or Mt. St Flare?” Kate replied, pondering.
Corrections in bold. And why is she pondering if she's asking him? You should add 'pondering the question herself' or something fancy like that. Pondering isn't always a good word to use, though. It's too flashy. Makes you sound like you know more than other people. Big words are only good once in a while.
Let's just go to...erm…Drayton’s Cave!” Steve yelled energetically.
Corrections in bold. And why is he yelling it energetically? Why does he suddenly have energy? It sounds like you were just searching for neat-sounding adverbs. There's nothing that could have really given him that much energy about it.
We set off down the long sandy beach.
You changed from third-person to first-person. I have no idea who is narrating right now, since you switch back into third person later.
The Corphish was blowing bubbles and the fading light from the sun reflected off them.
Corrections in bold. You say 'the Corphish' like it's a special one. It doesn't seem to have any relation to them, so change it to 'a' Corphish.
What do we have here?” a Manectric asked.A Totodile and Chikorita. Are you looking for this?” and he showed us a gold medallion.
Corrections in bold. And just now, you're telling us that Kate and Steve are Pokemon. I seriously thought they were humans until I started editing this section. That's why description of the characters is a big thing. You have to introduce it subtlely. Just putting the fact that there's a Manectric isn't gonna cut it. The way you wrote it made it sound like it appeared out of nowhere. Also, what does the gold medallion look like? I know, it's gold, and it's a medallion. What else? Does it have anything written on it? How big is it? Two inches? As big as a house? Does it have 'TOILET' written on it in big fancy size eighty-six Times New Roman font? What?
He charged up electricity and charged at Kate, giving her no chance as she collapsed to the ground.
How much electricity? Was it a simple Spark? A Thunder? Shock Wave? What? And it doesn't give her a chance? A chance to do what, fight back? Or T.P. his house? What?
Steve used Vine Whip and knocked the medallion out of Manectric’s hand.
Corrections in bold. Manectric suddenly have hands now? They're wolf Pokemon (I think) which means that they have paws, not hands. And if this medallion was so important, wouldn't the Manectric be holding it more tightly? Come to think of it, Manectric don't have opposable thumbs. Which means he couldn't have been holding it in his paw. He'd have to bite it or wear it around his neck.
Steve instantly threw himself at Kate, trying to protect her from further harm.
Why? Steve just knocked the medallion out of the Manectric's paw. Why would he need to protect her?
The medallion fell on Kate and then Steve was knocked unconscious.
Did it hurt Kate? Did it phase through her skin and go into the beach? What happened? And how was Steve knocked unconscious? Did it hit him? Did the Manectric attack him again?
Neither of them knew what had just happened
Neither did I, truthfully.
or that their world had been turned upside down forever.
Why? Can't the Manectric just get the medallion back? After all, it's right there on Kate. Steve's unconscious. So can't he just get it back? And what's so important about this medallion?

Please don't use like fifteen enters in a row. Just two are fine.

who they r are explained in chapter one but i'm still writing that
If you use chatspeak (i.e., an 'r' instead of the word 'are', 'u' instead of 'you'), you'll end up getting banned from the board. So don't do it. Plus the sentence didn't even make sense. There were no capitals at all. You're supposed to capitalize the first letter in every sentence, and 'i'm' should be 'I'm'. The whole sentence should read "Who they are is explained in chapter one, but I'm still writing that."

If you follow the basic rules of grammar and spelling, you could write a lot better. We have threads here for that.

And when I was editing, I noticed you typed like such:

sentence sentence sentence sentence
tabtabtabtabtab sentence sentence sentence sentence

Please don't do that, it looks awful. It should be:

"Hello," Dawn said, before eating a tree.

"Hello Dawn," Ash Ketchup said. He then proceeded to dunk his head into a vat of sphagetti sauce. It was hot. And cold. Like Katy Perry.

Oh wait, no, that was her song.

Never mind.
Like that. Don't use spaces or tabs or whatever to make your sentences all weird.
i want your drama, the touch of your hand
i want your leather studded kiss in the sand