Aka' Uhane's Pokemon Adventure!

Started by Aka Uhane April 16th, 2009 7:04 PM
  • 614 views
  • 2 replies
Age 32
Minneapolis, MN
Seen June 12th, 2009
Posted April 16th, 2009
3 posts
14.1 Years
Chapter One

It all began when Aka' Uhane', a ten year old boy, was watching television in his bedroom. He was flipping the channels with his remote when he spotted a show on television that showed an old guy around his forties teaching about Pokemon. He watched the show and then saw all of the kind of Pokemon you can choose from. He watched another show about the Pokemon called Eevee and it can evolve into different types of Pokemon just from the environment.

Aka' thought it was cool to start with a Pokemon like that. He walked into the bathroom and brushed his teeth. When he was done, he went on his bed and went to bed because he was tired. He dreamed about the different types of Pokemon the Eevee can evolve into. He dreamed about him swimming with his Eevee and seeing it evolve into a water Pokemon. He also dreamed about when it rains and turns into an electric Pokemon as well.

When the sunlight beamed into Aka's eyes, he woke up and walked into the bathroom. He took a pee and then started to water so he can take a shower. When the water was hot, he stepped inside and washed his hair. He took his time in the shower and then when he took to much time, he got yelled at; so he stopped the water, got out of the shower and got dressed. He brushed his teeth and walked back into his bedroom.

Aka' walked into the kitchen to grab something fast to eat on the way. He opened the front door and walked outside. He didn't know how to get a Pokemon so he started to walk outside of Pallet Town.

"Hey you, stop right there!" exclaimed a man's voice behind Aka.

Aka' turned around and it was the old guy from the television show he watched last night.

"What do you think you're doing without a Pokemon?" asked the old man.
"Nothing, I don't know how to get a Pokemon," said Aka'.
"You don't, come with me then," said the old guy.

Aka' felt strange inside so he followed the old guy into this white building with a pokeball on top of it. They walked inside and the old guy led Aka' to a white table with three pokeballs on it.

"Why since you want a Pokemon, here are three pokeballs to choose from," said the old guy.
"Cool, what's your name?" asked Aka'
"My name is Professor Oak and I am the Pokemon professor here in Pallet Town," said the old guy.
"Cool, I saw your show last night, you featured another show about the different types of Pokemon can evolve into," said Aka'.
"Yes I did feature another show last night, Eevee can evolve into three different types of Pokemon by the nature it's in, but I have all three of those Pokemon, even Eevee itself," said Professor Oak.
"Sweet! Can I see them?" asked Aka'.

Professor Oak walked into a large room filled with different pokeballs that had Pokemon inside. He brought out four Pokemon and one of them was Eevee.

"This is Eevee here and these three Pokemon, it can evolve into," said Professor Oak.
"Sweet!" I like the blue one," said Aka'.
"The blue one is named Vaporeon, it's a water type Pokemon. If you start with the Eevee, you would have to find a water stone to evolve it into Vaporeon so this is a good choice," said Professor Oak.

Professor Oak gave Aka' Vaporeons' pokeball with five other pokeballs and a pokedex. Aka' was happy that he started out with one of the Eevee evolutions and now he can start his Pokemon adventure. He walked outside of the building and looked at the sun in the sky. He walked towards his house, but no one was home. He didn't know what to do then, so he just walked outside of Pallet Town, without no one stopping him.

Spinor

<i><font color="b1373f">The Lonely Physicist</font></i>

Age 26
Male
Seen February 13th, 2019
Posted October 4th, 2015
5,175 posts
17.3 Years
Ok, for starters, I'm gonna post a few general comments:

Do not start the story right off the bat. Give a little talk on what the story is about, link to chapter posts, and so on. Look at other fanfics for examples

Your chapter is too short. 661 words ain't gonna do it. 1000 words aren't as scary or hard as you think. Try harder.

You are rushing, and compressing the storyline too much. You are making it sound a lot like a children's story and not a book. The standard for fanfics are about a 10th Grade book level and not a little rushed story like The Grinch.

More description! Is Aka nude or something? Is the grass the color of dung in this world?

And now for in story review

Chapter One

It all began when Aka' Uhane', a ten year old boy, was watching television in his bedroom. He was flipping the channels with his remote when he spotted a show on television that showed an old guy around his forties teaching about Pokemon. He watched the show and then saw all of the kind of Pokemon you can choose from. He watched another show about the Pokemon called Eevee and it can evolve into different types of Pokemon just from the environment.

You started off with your left hand, not even the left foot. Don't narrate like this was a kids' book. Right from the first sentence you can tell the story's last words can easily be "Happily Ever After"

Aka' thought it was cool to start with a Pokemon like that. He walked into the bathroom and brushed his teeth. When he was done, he went on his bed and went to bed because he was tired Logically Unneeded. He dreamed about the different types of Pokemon the Eevee can evolve into. He dreamed about him swimming with his Eevee and seeing it evolve into a water Pokemon. He also dreamed about when it rains and turns into an electric Pokemon as well.

Ok, Aka thought...anything else? Also, you are completely raping "He". Too much too much.

When the sunlight beamed into Aka's eyes, he woke up and walked into the bathroom. He took a pee and then started to water so he can take a shower. When the water was hot, he stepped inside and washed his hair. He took his time in the shower. and then When he took too much time, he got yelled at; so. He stopped the water, got out of the shower and got dressed. He brushed his teeth and walked back into his bedroom.

Aka went to sleep and woke up in 3 paragraphs, did I get that right? Did he do it like a robot and did not think of anything? Then... he took a pee? There are times in the story were you seriously can't do any detail or a kitten dies.

Aka' walked into the kitchen to grab something fast to eat on the way. He opened the front door and walked outside. He didn't know how to get a Pokemon so he started to walk outside of Pallet Town.

"Hey you, stop right there!" exclaimed a man's voice behind Aka.

Aka' turned around and it was the old guy from the television show he watched last night.

"What do you think you're doing without a Pokemon?" asked the old man.
"Nothing, I don't know how to get a Pokemon," said Aka'.
"You don't, come with me then," said the old guy.

Aka' felt strange inside so he followed the old guy into this white building with a pokeball on top of it. They walked inside and the old guy led Aka' to a white table with three pokeballs on it.

"Why since you want a Pokemon, here are three pokeballs to choose from," said the old guy.
"Cool, what's your name?" asked Aka'
"My name is Professor Oak and I am the Pokemon professor here in Pallet Town," said the old guy.
"Cool, I saw your show last night, you featured another show about the different types of Pokemon can evolve into," said Aka'.
"Yes I did feature another show last night, Eevee can evolve into three different types of Pokemon by the nature it's in, but I have all three of those Pokemon, even Eevee itself," said Professor Oak.
"Sweet! Can I see them?" asked Aka'.

Wait, what the waffles just happened?! One second he came out of the possibly violet colored house and the next he is with some old guy excited and all like a 5 year old?! Even 10 year olds have the logic to not go with strangers like that. Use common sense towards your stories.

Professor Oak walked into a large room filled with different pokeballs that had Pokemon inside. He brought out four Pokemon and one of them was Eevee.

"This is Eevee here and these three Pokemon, it can evolve into," said Professor Oak.
"Sweet!" I like the blue one," said Aka'.
"The blue one is named Vaporeon, it's a water type Pokemon. If you start with the Eevee, you would have to find a water stone to evolve it into Vaporeon so this is a good choice," said Professor Oak.

Professor Oak gave Aka' Vaporeons' pokeball with five other pokeballs and a pokedex. Aka' was happy that he started out with one of the Eevee evolutions and now he can start his Pokemon adventure. He walked outside of the building and looked at the sun in the sky. He walked towards his house, but no one was home. He didn't know what to do then, so he just walked outside of Pallet Town, without no one stopping nobody to stop him.

Eevee is an overused Pokemon as well.
I only corrected grammar in red. I would have basically rewritten the story if I had used all the Literature Rules I know.