PokeBattles: Pearl Version #003

Started by PokeBattles April 27th, 2009 2:36 AM
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  • 4 replies
Seen April 27th, 2009
Posted April 27th, 2009
4 posts
14.1 Years
Hello! It is I, the Almighty Webmaster of PokeBattles, a comedic Pokemon parody fanfiction! This thread contains Pearl Version, which are Fan-Submitted PokeBattles. If you're not sure what's going on, google for PokeBattles and check out the "First Time Here?" link in the top left corner -- it should explain exactly what this kind of fanfiction is all about. Hope you all enjoy, and I'll be sure to post more as we write 'em!

Could a moderator possibly change the thread title to "PokeBattles: Pearl Version"? -- I messed up with the topic name and editing it didn't seem to change the name. Thanks!
Seen April 27th, 2009
Posted April 27th, 2009
4 posts
14.1 Years

Battle #001: Amazing Puzzles April 06, 2009
Location: Labyrinth of Peril
Player: Puzzle Guy

Written by gizensha at gmail dot com [New Author]



The Labyrinth of Peril is rumoured to be a nest full of puzzle type pokemon, making it perfect place for me to continue my quest to become a puzzle master!
PUZZLE GUY wants to EVOLVE!
...No, I want to increase my rank.
PUZZLE GUY wants to SMELL RANK!
NARRATOR is in a GENEROUS MOOD!
LABYRINTH OF PERIL sent out PERIL!
...That's generous?
PERIL was renamed PILE OF HORSE MANURE!
PILE of HORSE MANURE used FALL!
PILE of HORSE MANURE fell on PUZZLE GUY!
Its super smelly!
PUZZLE GUY's RANKNESS increased!
PUZZLE GUY now SMELLS RANK!
...That is totally not what I meant.
NARRATOR isn't sure what PUZZLE GUY wants!
I want to become Puzzle Master, but my immediate goal is to capture puzzles to become Puzzle Man.
...PUZZLE GUY wants to EVOLVE!
I'm not a pokemon. I'm a human. Humans don't evolve, as we grow in rank in our professions, our titles change.
NARRATOR fails to see the DIFFERENCE between HUMANS and POKEMON!
There are countless differences!
NARRATOR considers them to be FUNDAMENTALLY IDENTICAL!
...Why?
HUMANS and POKEMON both EAT HUMANS and POK--
...Humans don't eat humans.
NARRATOR just GOT BACK from NARRATING a BATTLE staring HANNIBAL LECTURE!
...Don't you mean Lector?
HANNIBAL LECTURE is a CANNIBALISTIC UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR!
...Both objections withdrawn.
Moving on!
HUMANS and POKEMON both require BODILY FUNCTIONS such as SLEEP and not being SQUISHED underneath RAPIDLY DESCENDING SPIKED CEILINGS!
...Uhh...
NARRATOR had an fight with GRAVITY a COUPLE of MONTHS ago!
Who knew MORTALS were so FRAGILE?
On the plus side, NARRATOR won!
...
Gravity is such a WEAKLING!
Gravity gets BULLIED by the other FIVE fundamental forces of NATURE!
...Aren't there four fundamental forces of nature, including gravity?
PUZZLE GUY is probably forgetting NARRATOR and WEBMASTER!
Aren't there more than one Narrator and Webmaster out there?
Just like SOURCES of GRAVITY and SOURCES of ELECTROMAGNETISM!
Sadly, the RELATIVE STRENGTH between the FORCE of NARRATOR and FORCE of WEBMASTER is pretty similar too!
HUMANS and POKEMON both force other HUMANS and POKEMON to do their BIDDING against their WILL!
...I'm not sure pokemon force other pokemon--
NARRATOR refers PUZZLE GUY to the POKEMON LABYRINTH OF PERIL sending out the POKEMON HORSE MANURE!
NARRATOR would THINK PUZZLE GUY would REMEMBER that, what with PUZZLE GUY still SMELLING RANK due to it!
HUMANS and POKEMON both grow STRONGER and CHANGE THEIR NAMES and APPEARANCES while DOING SO via a PROCESS of EVOLUTION!
In PUZZLE GUY's case, PUZZLE GUY wants to EVOLVE into PUZZLE MAN and then PUZZLE MASTER!
Ergo, HUMANS and POKEMON are FUNDAMENTALLY IDENTICAL!
HUMANS just DIFFERENTIATE because they dislike ACKNOWLEDGING the TRUTH!
...Fine, fine, I want to 'evolve'.
Anyway, first of all, find some puzzles to capture.
BRANCH in the LABYRINTH appeared!
Does PUZZLE GUY want to go LEFT or RIGHT?
...Uhh... Why is there a branch in a labyrinth?
...LABYRINTH OF PERIL is a LABYRINTH!
Why wouldn't there be?
Precisely! A labyrinth, distinct from a maze in that labyrinths have a single path.
...NARRATOR doesn't believe PUZZLE GUY is CORRECT!
Well I am, I should know this sort of thing; I am, after all, a Puzzle Guy!
PUZZLE GUY used ARROGANCE!
It's super effective!
NARRATOR's MOOD sharply fell!
PIDGY fainted!
...What pidgy?
The PIDGY using FLY in a BATTLE taking place in an ARENA directly underneath NARRATOR's MOOD!
Some YOUNGSTER is probably not going to get its FORREST BADGE because of you!
Anyway, as I was saying. It's a modern misuse of the term labyrinth that has it equivalent to a maze.
...NARRATOR cares not for PUZZLE GUY's ignorance!
Hey, it's not ignorance. Check wikipedia if you don't believe me, you'll see.
NARRATOR points out that WIKIPEDIA says that LABYRINTH and MAZE are acceptable to use as SYNONYMS in GENERAL USE!
Pft, you probably edited it yourself.
NARRATOR is FUMING!
NARRATOR sent out DICTIONARY!
PUZZLE GUY was hit over the head with the FULL OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY!
...Which volume?
All of them!
Gaaaaah!
DICTIONARY fell open to entry on LABYRINTH!
NARRATOR EMPHASISES definitions 1, 2, 5 and arguably 7!
Bah, what does something about common use of words know?
NARRATOR used LOSE!
Conceding the ar--
NARRATOR finally LOST its WICK!
...Oh.
NARRATOR was in a GOOD MOOD!
NARRATOR was PLANNING on throwing a few PUZZLES your way and LETTING you CATCH enough to EVOLVE into a PUZZLE MAN!
NARRATOR wanted you to ENTERTAIN the readers without FAILING at your GOAL!
NARRATOR wanted a LIGHT HEARTED FEEL GOOD battle!
But no!
PUZZLE GUY had to go and PISS NARRATOR off!
Well, guess what?
NARRATOR now intends to SCREW YOUR PLANS to HIGH HELL!
...Sorry, sorry. I'll take the right path?
PUZZLE GUY used APOLOGISE!
It doesn't effect enemy NARRATOR!
...Enemy Narrator?
NARRATOR is ANGRY ENOUGH at you to be your ENEMY!
Meep.
PUZZLE GUY used REALISE!
PUZZLE GUY REALISED just how deep the HORSE MANURE it's COVERED in is!
Enemy LABYRINTH of PERIL appeared!
...I thought I was--
Does PUZZLE GUY REALLY want to make NARRATOR more ANGRY at it than it already is?
--...Uhh... Going to be killed by Narrator. I thought I was going to be killed by Narrator, not a random pokemon that I'm wandering around inside. That's it.
NARRATOR has no intention of KILLING you!
That's a relief...
It shouldn't be!
:(
Enemy LABYRINTH of PERIL sent out HAMPTON COURT MAZE!
Further providing EVIDENCE for NARRATOR's THESIS that POKEMON and HUMANS are INDISTINGUISHABLE!
Didn't we already cover pokemon sending out pokemon?
We did!
HAMPTON COURT MAZE is not REPEATED EVIDENCE!
No matter... Zebra puzzle, go!
The enemy is human type, get'em ZEBRA PUZZLE!
Wait... That's a human called Hampton Court Maze?
Enemy HAMPTON COURT MAZE says it USED to be called GRAHAM!
Enemy HAMPTON COURT MAZE says it is from HAMPTON!
Enemy HAMPTON COURT MAZE used POACH!
Enemy HAMPTON COURT MAZE poached an egg!
Zebra puzzle, use eat!
ZEBRA PUZZLE used EAT!
ZEBRA PUZZLE ate EGG!
EGG was poisoned!
ZEBRA PUZZLE died!
Use next pokemon?
...No, I'm running away!
Couldn't escape!
...Oh god... Uhh... Rubik's Cube, go!
PUZZLE GUY sent out RUBIK'S CUBE!
Enemy HAMPTON COURT MAZE used SOLVE!
RUBIK'S CUBE solved how to ESCAPE PUZZLE GUY!
RUBIK'S CUBE ran away!
Oh no, down to my last pokemon...
CHILDREN'S MAZE, I choose you!
NARRATOR used SMILE!
...Huh?
If that is PUZZLE GUY's ONLY REMAINING POKEMON then...
Huh? PUZZLE GUY is devolving!
PUZZLE GUY devolved into PUZZLE BOY!
Wha...? But...!
Enemy HAMPTON COURT MAZE used STOMP!
CHILDREN'S MAZE fainted!
PUZZLE BOY, go!
...This is going to hurt, isn't it?
Enemy LABYRINTH of PERIL withdrew HAMPTON COURT MAZE!
Enemy LABYRINTH of PERIL sent out LABYRINTH of PERIL!
Well, at least that gives me a free attack... Uhh... Me, use Maze Solve!
PUZZLE BOY used MAZE SOLVE!
PUZZLE BOY attempted to solve LABYRINTH of PERIL!
NARRATOR has a DILEMMA!
..Oh?
NARRATOR could either RUB IN your devolution, or use your own WORDS against you!
...:(
NARRATOR decides the LATTER could give PUZZLE BOY a MORAL VICTORY!
NARRATOR goes with the FORMER!
PUZZLE BOY attempted to solve an ADULT MAZE!
PUZZLE BOY is a BOY!
PUZZLE BOY should stick to CHILDREN's MAZES!
Come-on...
ENEMY LABYRINTH of PERIL used EAT!
Aww man...
It's supper effective!
Don't you mean super?
Nope!
Enemy LABYRINTH of PERIL SUPPED on PUZZLE BOY!
PUZZLE BOY was fully eaten!
PUZZLE BOY fainted!
Seen April 27th, 2009
Posted April 27th, 2009
4 posts
14.1 Years

Battle #002: Home Away From Homeless! April 16, 2009
Location: A Random Street
Player: Homeless Man

Written by irnanaki at hotmail dot com [New Author]



*sigh* I'm homeless and no one seems to care
PERSON walks by!
Ooh! May I please have some money oh gracious one?
HOMELESS MAN uses BEG!
It's SUPER EFFECTIVE!
PERSON is DISGUSTED!
Noo! Please! I need money please!
HMAN uses BEG AND GROVEL!
PERSON runs away!
*sigh*...
Well at least nothing extremely random happened...You can never be too careful with the Narrator around...
BULLDOG appeared!
...
BULLDOG wants to FIGHT!
...
BULLDOG uses RABID BITE!
AHH GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!
BULLDOG'S attack CONTINUES!
You know what? I don't care. I'm just gonna let this bulldog bite me until I die...
BULLDOG'S attack CONTINUES!
HOMELESS MAN obtained AIDS!
Wait... isn't AIDS an STD?
WHERE did you THINK the BULLDOG was BITING YOU?
AHH GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!
CHEF appeared!
CHEF demands that you RETURN his BULLDOG!
CHEF accuses you of STEALING!
I didn't steal the Bulldog...
CHEF says you did STEAL IT!
CHEF asks WHY you are WEARING his BULLDOG as a THIRD LEG!
It's still there?
YES!
AAAAAAAAAHHH! TAKE IT BACK!
CHEF asks you to get into his BLENDER!
NOOO! WHY DOES EVERYTHING WANT TO KILL ME?
CHEF orders you to get in his BLENDER!
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER appeared!
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: Get into his chopper, now.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER disappeared!




...Right...
This can't get any more random...
LIGHT YAGAMI appeared!
LIGHT YAGAMI writes a NAME in the DEATHNOTE!
LIGHT YAGAMI disappeared!

Location: Hogwarts

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE: No Severus please!
SEVERUS SNAPE: Avada Kedavra!
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE: ARRRRGGGH

Location: A Random Street

...okay you proved me wrong...
Who is Light anyways?
LIGHT! COMING SOON TO NANAKI'S APARTMENT!
NANAKI uses WILD CHEER!
...
BULLDOG'S attack CONTINUES!
ARGH!
BULLDOG is now a PERMANENT FEATURE of HOMELESS MAN!
HOMELESS MAN was renamed BULLDOG MAN!
CHEF throws BLENDER BALL!
Success! BULLDOG MAN was CAPTURED!
*sob*
CHEF wins!
Seen April 27th, 2009
Posted April 27th, 2009
4 posts
14.1 Years

Battle #003: My Sea Drive is Full April 23, 2009
Player: Captain

Written by comicsan at gmail dot com [New Author]
Webmaster's Choice Award-winning Battle


Arrr....
This battle brought to you by the letter R!
Aye....
And the letter I!
...
And the letter B!
...
No more?
Indeed. Shall we get this show started then?
CAPTAIN is on a PIRATE SHIP swabbing the deck!
Arr... one day I'll be captain of this ship!
BUT you already are!
Ye be wrong there laddy... my first name be Captain is all. I be only a first mate.
What kind of name is CAPTAIN?
I be named after me father! Don't be making jest of it! I be Captain Odderbote the Fourteenth... and I be the closest to captain my family ever be. I make me father proud I do.
That's STUPID!
I don't be making fun of your name do I?
NARRATOR is the NARRATOR! It's who he is!
Arrr... not all of us be so lucky.
GIANTSQUID appeared off the starboard bow!
Where be that again? I never remember which way is which.
PERHAPS that is why you're not the CAPTAIN!
Also it should be obvious if you used your eyes!
Arr... so starboard means right. I'll remember next time.
GIANTSQUID used STARBOARD!
TO HIT CAPTAIN UPSIDE THE HEAD!
Yarrr! At least it not be downside my head!
GIANTSQUID used STARBOARD!
TO HIT CAPTAIN DOWNSIDE THE HEAD!
CAPTAIN fainted!
Me poor captain!
FIRST MATE CAPTAIN was promoted!

Player: Capt. Captain

I wish me family were here to see this day!
GIANTSQUID would love that! It's rather hungry!
I'll use my peg leg to fend it off!
CAPTAIN can't stands no more! Go, PEGLEG!
Aye, take it down a peg!
PEGLEG used DOWN!
GIANTSQUID is DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS!
Yarrr... that giant squid be disturbed.
BUY the album "The Sickness" by DISTURBED on AMAZON.COM!
Arrr I thought I had me popup blocker activated.
A POPUP BLOCKER?
Yarr, it be crazy to sail the seven seas without it. Protects ye from phishermen, don't ye know!
NARRATOR has heard of SURFING the INTERNET, but not SAILING!
I be what ye call a software pirate. Yarrr.
POKEBATTLES.COM does not CONDONE PIRACY!
GIANTSQUID used RIAA!
Noo!
It's not very effective!
Ah hah! I knew not dealing in movies and music would save me one day!
Peg leg! Stab it in the eye!
CAPT.CAPT stuck his LEG PEG in a ROUND EYE!
GIANTSQUID flails about in its blindness!
I no be complaining, but don't they have two eyes?
GIANTSQUID lost its other eye in an unfortunate PHISHING accident!
I no be seeing how that possible, arrr...
GIANTSQUID's other eye had been HACKED!
Into pieces!
Arr... I see! There be nothing sadder than a blind squid.
What about blind kittens?
Arrr arr arrr arrr!
NARRATOR thinks that is the strangest cry he's ever heard!
Ye be unkind to kittens do ye? Return Peg Leg! Go harpoon!
GIANTSQUID never touched a kitten! Go, HARPOON!
HARPOON went!
Right into the side of the squid!
GIANTSQUID was caught!
Would you like to rename your GIANTSQUID?
Arr I do. Rename it Blackey! For its ink you see, I be clever! Arr arr arr!
Are you crying again?
Nay, me cry and me laughter simply look the same in text form.
GIANTSQUID was renamed BLACKEY!
CAPT.CAPT wins!
A pirate's life for me!
SHIP is SINKING!
Arr? What?
From when the GIANTSQUID detached the STARBOARD and killed the former captain with it!
I thought he simply be fainted!
Do you think ye'd be-- you'd be promoted in such a case?
Arr... you be- ye be right.
Alright Blackey, use surf and get us out of here!
BLACKEY used SURF!
BLACKEY is still blind!
Arrr... I not be thinking ahead there... arr.

And so begins the travels of CAPT. CAPTAIN and his faithful blind squid, BLACKEY!
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
The first post of your thread should contain a part of your story, so your first post should have your first chapter in it.

You fic really doesn't have much substance. No description at all. It's really hard to follow, and seems to be just random humor. While that in itself isn't bad, a fic like this doesn't meet the standards of PFF&P. (Also, you don't get AIDS from a dog bite.)

The colors that you chose for your fic's font also make it difficult to read.

Avatar credit: Fairy