Why?

Started by ShadowLeader April 29th, 2009 4:21 PM
  • 944 views
  • 11 replies

ShadowLeader

because shadows follow...

Age 31
Above The Shadows
Seen February 9th, 2010
Posted August 1st, 2009
653 posts
14.2 Years
This is a poem that I wrote a long time ago. I don't know why I wrote it. I really wasn't thinking while I wrote it. But since I wrote it it has won a few contests and has really gotten some recognition. So I wanted to hear what people think about it. It's called Why.


Why?


Why do we do this?

Why do we care?

Why hate him for who he is?

Why kill him for what he does?

Why worry about yourself?

Why do we starve?

Why do I write this poem?

If not to let you know,

That whatever you do,

It just lets me know how selfish you are,

And how much you make me ask why!

Vie

...

germany
Seen March 17th, 2011
Posted December 24th, 2010
1,113 posts
15.7 Years
well, its something I have never seen before. I know poems with orphans, but poems made of orphans..lol.
I miss the characteristics of a poem, but new stuff is always good. :D
If there is a light in everybody, send out your ray of sunshine.
7.4.2010 - My babygirl, my beautiful mess.

Vie

...

germany
Seen March 17th, 2011
Posted December 24th, 2010
1,113 posts
15.7 Years
usually there are rhyme schemes used in poems.
most used scheme is this:
a
a
b
b

means that the first two ones rhyme and the last two ones.

there also is a cross rhyme

a
b
b
a

and sometimes there are orphans which do not rhyme.

a
b
b
a
c

see what I mean?

=]
If there is a light in everybody, send out your ray of sunshine.
7.4.2010 - My babygirl, my beautiful mess.

Charliezard

A wild shroomish appeared!

Age 31
Male
Australia
Seen December 1st, 2014
Posted December 9th, 2011
1,274 posts
16 Years
That's just one way you can write a poem. They don't have to Rhyme at all. Having all the lines start with "Why" and then changing it is a characteristic of a poem. The Why sticks with you...Maybe that's cuz it's the question everyone asks lol, maybe cuz of the poem :P I'll never know.

-Ohh post 666 :P-

ShadowLeader

because shadows follow...

Age 31
Above The Shadows
Seen February 9th, 2010
Posted August 1st, 2009
653 posts
14.2 Years
usually there are rhyme schemes used in poems.
most used scheme is this:
a
a
b
b

means that the first two ones rhyme and the last two ones.

there also is a cross rhyme

a
b
b
a

and sometimes there are orphans which do not rhyme.

a
b
b
a
c

see what I mean?

=]
I see:D Yeah I prefer to write in free style usually. but sometimes I like to rhyme:D:P

Vie

...

germany
Seen March 17th, 2011
Posted December 24th, 2010
1,113 posts
15.7 Years
I see:D Yeah I prefer to write in free style usually. but sometimes I like to rhyme:D:P
I like to do that too sometimes. But I also like to have some characteristics that people can see whether I write a song or a poem. I like both ways. The most important thing is, that what you write shows what you think and comes from the heart.
If there is a light in everybody, send out your ray of sunshine.
7.4.2010 - My babygirl, my beautiful mess.

ShadowLeader

because shadows follow...

Age 31
Above The Shadows
Seen February 9th, 2010
Posted August 1st, 2009
653 posts
14.2 Years
I like to do that too sometimes. But I also like to have some characteristics that people can see whether I write a song or a poem. I like both ways. The most important thing is, that what you write shows what you think and comes from the heart.
spoken like a true poet my friend
A small town ^^
Seen February 22nd, 2015
Posted October 26th, 2010
252 posts
15.2 Years
spoken like a true poet my friend
Agree with you, well said. Whatever you write, and how you write doesn't really matter when you write it directly from inside, and when someone else could read it and feel what you were trying to show.

I know a phrase who wisely says: 'The poem doesn't belong to the one who writes it, but to the one who needs it.'


Anyway, I liked it. Although it got me some time to understand it completely (I mean because the translation to spanish XD XD) I felt I could say this poem to myself and ask lots of things.. I don't know how to explain it, but the point is I liked XD

You're quite a writer aren't ya?

Non-Pokemon Writings:
I Desire..
Blue and Green
Title-less

Pokemon Writings:
Green Everlasting (OneShot)
My First Fic: The Rivalry






..:: The Poetry does not belong to its creator, but the one who needs it ::..

JX Valentine

Your aquatic overlord

Female
Harassing Bill
Seen August 19th, 2020
Posted December 8th, 2012
3,276 posts
19 Years
First, a small grammatical nitpick:

It just let's me know how selfish you are,
Lets. Let's = let us, whereas lets = present form of let.

That aside, I feel as if this poem is lacking something -- namely, a solid foundation. Basically, it seems like you're talking about a bunch of different subjects at once: violence in the world, selfishness as a contrast to poverty, that sort of thing. You don't seem to stick to a single theme -- or, if you do, you don't make the theme as clear as it should be. Poetry isn't about making things vague. It's about emphasizing a certain point by evoking the readers' emotions. Sometimes, poets deliberately make the point a bit harder to get to, yes, but at the same time, what they do is they get the reader to respond to certain images that lets them get an idea of what they're talking about while getting them to feel the same way they do about the subject (if that makes sense).

It seems like you fall short of delivering that image, and I just don't feel as moved as I really should be by what you're saying. Perhaps instead of focusing on just questions, give us your questions and images. Instead of telling us someone is dying, show him curled up on the floor in pain and pools of blood. We're more likely to either get angry or feel sick about ourselves if we see that sort of thing happening than we are if you just ask us why he has to die. Otherwise, we won't feel as disgusted with ourselves as you want us to feel through your last few lines (where you accuse the undefined "you" of being selfish) because we can't quite connect to your message. (As I've said in another thread, inability to connect to the message =/= deep, but I've tried to make that clear in the above paragraph. Hopefully, it's understandable. If not, I could try to rephrase it.)

That being said, it's a start, but I really think that pushing your ideas a bit further and developing them a bit more could improve this poem.
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