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Fullmetal642

Leader of Pokemon Haven

Female
Seen March 8th, 2010
Posted August 22nd, 2009
10 posts
14.1 Years
Okay this is a story that has to go off of the game that I'm making and so it will take place in a new region with new towns cities and pokemon it will help give the story of the game a foundation and if you begin to enjoy the story and would like to help with the game then just message me. The story will begin on the next post

Fullmetal642

Leader of Pokemon Haven

Female
Seen March 8th, 2010
Posted August 22nd, 2009
10 posts
14.1 Years
The Story opens in a house with many people singing to a boy sitting in a hoodie and a man in a lab coat next to him
Happy birthday dear aiden happy birthday to you, happy 16th birthday aiden
everyone said to him as he blew out the candles and his mother slowly approached from behind him
Aiden i have a special surprise for you here
she hands him a small box
Mom what is this i told you i didn't want anything
It is from me and professor Chestnut
Aiden begins to open the box to reveal that it says...
POKECOMP the ultimate device
for any trainer, mom why did you get me this
Aiden i want you to go on your adventure and be a trainer like your father you've waited five years already but now i want you to go and be a great trainer
Mom are you serious
She quite is aiden she told me a week ago that is why i have been so frantic for the last week in the lab with those new eggs they needed to be hatched and now that they are tomorrow you may leave on your adventure
Mom are you sure this is ok i could just continue to help the prof in his lab i dont have to go
Yes you do Aiden it is your destiny and maybe while your on your journey you'll run into your father
Well then i guess ill go pack pack thanks for coming everyone
Aiden walks up the stairs
5 hours later
Aiden is lying in his bed looking at the pokecomp
i guess tomorrow i become a trainer but which one would i pick raz the grass, blazbull the fire, or newar the water pokemon each grows to be extremely strong an...
The T.V. starts to get louder since aiden began to lean on the remote
The legend of mt. Dorik
It is said that ages ago two legendary pokemon were lured to the mountain by great evil and that the two pokemon began a great battle the caused catastrophic repercussions for the world beneath and that the great evil grew stronger the more that they had battled and would soon be rereleased from the prison that it had been sentenced to and so it continued to manipulate the two great pokemon until the great hero of the time the brave knight Ceras riding on the magnificant legendary dragon pokemon that had always accompanied him came and used the sword of time to stop the time on the top of the mountain for enternity and the locked the only entranced with four great keys so that no person could stumble on the batle and cause it to begin once more.
That is all for this program next is the continuation of the battle between Elite four member Balthazar and a challenger

The battle is about to conclude with balthazar not losing a single pokemon and the challenger having only one pokemon left who will the challengar choose to take on balthazars staraptor

So kid what do ya got left huh don't keep staraptor waiting to long ya know he might get angry
okay i got it go gengar using thunder knock starptor out
Game over kid starpator dodge it and use shadow talon
the starptor talons glow purple and smashes into gengar knocking him out and aiden lies down in the bed and begins to fall asleep
Tomorrow it all begins


Fullmetal642

Leader of Pokemon Haven

Female
Seen March 8th, 2010
Posted August 22nd, 2009
10 posts
14.1 Years
Okay after each chapter i will have and info page for anything that is seen in this region only not any other regions so heres the first one...

POKECOMP - it is a personal device that can be used to communicate with people but also hold mass amounts of information about the given regions as where the gyms are and detailed descriptions of the types of pokemon the gym leaders have it also tell if there are contest halls restaurants in the city ect.

Prof. Chestnut - is a world renown professor that is known for his vast knowledge in most things pokemon he is know as yonger porf. oak of the kanto region he is also known for being quite unothadox at most times

Balthazar - One of the elite four of the region he is known as balthazar the swift because he uses pokmon with great speed.

Shadow talon - it is a dark move that is a tm and also murkrow and hunkrow learn in leveling up

this is the first chapters info page
Platinum FC 3094 5719 5517
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Oh wow...

Um, first of all, you should really double-check the rules before posting. Your first post of your thread should contain part of your story, like the first chapter, not just notes.

Second of all, your third post has information that should be given in the story when appropriate, instead of in author notes separate from the actual story. The necessary information for a story, like what an important item actually is (for instance: the POKECOMP), should be in the actual story.

Third of all, your actual chapter is really difficult to read. Don't use a myriad of different colored fonts for the narration and each character's dialog. It makes the story difficult to follow and understand (my eyes are personally bad, so when I try to even look at your chapter on the dark red skin I'm using, it hurts) because you don't use actual words to tell who is talking and what is going on.

Your understanding of the English language also appears to be less than stellar, to be blunt. There's no proper capitalization or punctuation at all in your chapter, which again makes it difficult to read and follow. There's a sticky in the Writer's Lounge called the Beta Thread where you can get someone to help you improve your chapter before you actually post it.

Unfortunately, right now, I'm going to have to close your thread for not meeting the standards of PFF&P.

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