Nature and Man...

Started by s l u g May 14th, 2009 10:09 AM
  • 969 views
  • 8 replies

s l u g

arriving somewhere but not here,

Age 30
Male
Seen January 2nd, 2023
Posted September 25th, 2017
961 posts
15.4 Years
The clock strikes twelve.
The stars twinkle
in the pitchy night and
the moon hides
behind the clouds.

The trees sway as the
breeze gently pushes them.
The activity of man has
stopped
and the expansive splendour
of Nature on earht can be
seen.

I hear a song.
The trees, the
clouds, the sky,
the stars, the
moon, the whole
of Nature seem to be
singing
the song, the silent song.

It seems like they sing
a silent song, which says,
"Look at us, look at our
beauty,
look at us..."

I close my eyes for a while.
I open them only when
I find a bright light hitting
my lids.

Suddenly the beauty of
nature seems to have vanished.
I realise it is day.

I look around me
only to seem men fighting with
each other,
cutting down trees,
hurting animals.

I hear all sorts of noises.

But through all the noise,
from somewhere
I hear the silent song again.
But this time it says,
"Look at man, look at his
cruelty. Look at man......."

I Laugh at your Misfortune!

Normal is a synonym for boring

Male
YOUR MOTHER! (aka: England)
Seen August 1st, 2016
Posted August 22nd, 2011
2,629 posts
14.9 Years
Overall, I liked this poem :D I just picked up on two things:

Spoiler:

The clock strikes twelve.
The stars twinkle
in the pitchy night and
the moon hides
behind the clouds.

The trees sway as the
breeze gently pushes them.
The activity of man has
stopped
and the expansive splendour
of Nature on earht can be
seen.

I hear a song.
The trees, the
clouds, the sky,
the stars, the
moon, the whole
of Nature seem to be
singing
the song, the silent song.

It seems like they sing
a silent song, which says,
"Look at us, look at our
beauty,
look at us..."

I close my eyes for a while.
I open them only when
I find a bright light hitting
my lids.

Suddenly the beauty of
nature seems to have vanished.
I realise it is day.

I look around me
only to seem men fighting with
each other,
cutting down trees,
hurting animals.

I hear all sorts of noises.

But through all the noise,
from somewhere
I hear the silent song again.
But this time it says,
"Look at man, look at his
cruelty. Look at man......."
The first is obviously just a typo. If you C+P into word first, you can spellcheck, so its always worth doing. The second is more about word choice. While what you've said gets the point across, you get more of an impact if you say something like: "Decimating forests, slaughtering animals."


I did like this poem, though, so you better write more... or I'll threaten you with a rusty knife.

Magician Of Ice

Berry & Contest Master @-,-'--

Age 35
Great Bay Ocean, Termina.
Seen February 6th, 2014
Posted September 3rd, 2010
27 posts
14.1 Years
I really like this one. I'm a fan and writer of the rhyming poetry so anything outside of that is really hard for me to get down Dx. But this one just... worked! If only more people could see this poem, it gives you that "Be careful what you're doing" vibe.

ShinjisLover

Seen May 11th, 2016
Posted July 5th, 2010
3,043 posts
14.4 Years
The whole first five lines didn't flow all that well together, especially toward the last three.

of Nature on earht can be

Earth is spelled wrong.

Suddenly the beauty of

So, uh. . Why is that randomly bolded?

This wasn't a really good poem, to be honest, but it does have a nice meaning. I think you needed to present it better, especially considering you cut off many a' sentence in your stanzas.