Tranquility

Started by Pikawolf September 21st, 2004 4:49 PM
  • 696 views
  • 13 replies
Seen April 13th, 2007
Posted October 12th, 2004
221 posts
18.7 Years
I saw in the forest, a demon take flight
Pounding its wings with all of its might.
The demon, it soared, just above my head
Rather than running, I gazed instead.

I could hear its heart, steady and strong
Helping it forth as its wings pulled it along.
The demon was old, yet he didn't know
For the world is changing, to and fro.

As I gazed upon the beautiful sight
Seeing this monster take its last flight
I thought to myself, how could this be,
That this monster had come to me.

With one last plunge, the demon fell
Diving into the very depths of ****.
As I gazed upon this demon's flight,
I thought to myself, what a beautiful sight.



Well, what do you think? I love writing poems, and I want to know what you all think of it. All rates and critisizms are accepted. ^_~

~Kelsey

Edit: I am sorry, the censored word is supposed to be H-E-double hockey sticks. ^^;; I didn't mean to use it offensively, it was only for the sake of the poem, I forgot we couldn't use that word. ^^
Age 30
Daydreaming of what tommorow shall bring...
Seen February 25th, 2005
Posted February 19th, 2005
5,471 posts
19.2 Years
Wow, thats a really good poem. ^^ Keep up the good work. I cant wait to read more of your work.
Let the two of us become one
Holding on to the coward waves
We continue with our journey
The space between our hug
An endless dream
Cutting through the rainbow
Heading for the promised light
Unpaired~Triplets with Jolteon!!! and Dark_Pikachu~Evil Twins with Eliana~Rivals with Max Hunter~Sidekick of Moonlight Dreams~Sibling of Marina99~Real Sibling of Daiaki
~*My Hero is Vaporeon*~
Age 32
Anywhere I wanna be!
Seen October 24th, 2004
Posted October 24th, 2004
802 posts
19.1 Years
That was really good.*feels a bit jealous*Not all great works are published.Your poem there is better than any of the ones I've had published.


Note:I am in more clubs than the ones advertised above.
[spoiler=Paired With]Satkun[/spoiler] [spoiler=Twins With]~Cyndy~[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Wolf Demon Tribe]koga_LUVer(leader),Nateitude(secondary leader),flame_chi,eliana,rickyp2004,Human Sesshomaru,Lady of the Shadows,EKANSSSSSSSSSS,Drei,Legendary_Pokegirl,Kikaider,Kelsey,darkblastoise89,Trainer Phoebe,elite13kid,pika-mew,and me.[/spoiler]


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Made By:Me
X Force Forums Inuyasha Universe Forums
Age 30
Daydreaming of what tommorow shall bring...
Seen February 25th, 2005
Posted February 19th, 2005
5,471 posts
19.2 Years
That was really good.*feels a bit jealous*Not all great works are published.Your poem there is better than any of the ones I've had published.
Dont say that, I'm sure your poems are very good. ^^

I write quite a bit, but I dont like posting my work. =P

And your welcome Pikawolf. ^^
Let the two of us become one
Holding on to the coward waves
We continue with our journey
The space between our hug
An endless dream
Cutting through the rainbow
Heading for the promised light
Unpaired~Triplets with Jolteon!!! and Dark_Pikachu~Evil Twins with Eliana~Rivals with Max Hunter~Sidekick of Moonlight Dreams~Sibling of Marina99~Real Sibling of Daiaki
~*My Hero is Vaporeon*~
Age 32
Anywhere I wanna be!
Seen October 24th, 2004
Posted October 24th, 2004
802 posts
19.1 Years
Dont say that, I'm sure your poems are very good. ^^

I write quite a bit, but I dont like posting my work. =P

And your welcome Pikawolf. ^^
Yeah my poems are ok but not nearly as good as Pikawolf's.Pikawolf has some good stuff here.And I mean really good not just plain ol' good.


Note:I am in more clubs than the ones advertised above.
[spoiler=Paired With]Satkun[/spoiler] [spoiler=Twins With]~Cyndy~[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Wolf Demon Tribe]koga_LUVer(leader),Nateitude(secondary leader),flame_chi,eliana,rickyp2004,Human Sesshomaru,Lady of the Shadows,EKANSSSSSSSSSS,Drei,Legendary_Pokegirl,Kikaider,Kelsey,darkblastoise89,Trainer Phoebe,elite13kid,pika-mew,and me.[/spoiler]


Suicune banner by Star Arion.

Made By:Me
X Force Forums Inuyasha Universe Forums
Age 32
Anywhere I wanna be!
Seen October 24th, 2004
Posted October 24th, 2004
802 posts
19.1 Years
You guys are gonna make me cry! ;-; Thanks to you all, you don't know how much this means to me. Thank you. ^^

~Kelsey
Your most welcome.I'm glad to see another poets fine work.


Note:I am in more clubs than the ones advertised above.
[spoiler=Paired With]Satkun[/spoiler] [spoiler=Twins With]~Cyndy~[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Wolf Demon Tribe]koga_LUVer(leader),Nateitude(secondary leader),flame_chi,eliana,rickyp2004,Human Sesshomaru,Lady of the Shadows,EKANSSSSSSSSSS,Drei,Legendary_Pokegirl,Kikaider,Kelsey,darkblastoise89,Trainer Phoebe,elite13kid,pika-mew,and me.[/spoiler]


Suicune banner by Star Arion.

Made By:Me
X Force Forums Inuyasha Universe Forums
Age 35
Band room
Seen December 26th, 2005
Posted November 10th, 2004
329 posts
18.8 Years
really nice, an enjoyable read. saw a few things I liked and some that I didn't so lets just dive right into that.

"I saw in the forest, a demon take flight
Pounding its wings with all of its might.
The demon, it soared, just above my head
Rather than running, I gazed instead"
- very strong opening, makes me want to keep reading lol.

However this line: "just above my head" kind of disrupts the rythym. Its not even the whole line mainly the word above so maybe omit that for over so it reads: "just over head" a little more concise and it doesn't interrupt the flow. you disrupt rythym agaion in the last line when it reads: "I gazed instead" it seems a little cut off IMO. I can't think of any substitutes, but it does need a little more expansion or rewording.


"I could hear its heart, steady and strong
Helping it forth as its wings pulled it along.
The demon was old, yet he didn't know
For the world is changing, to and fro."

- another strong stanza,but one partcular line sort of bothers me: "The demon was old, yet he didn't know". It just seems so out of place. Maybe change the last two lines as they correlate to eachother or keep the line, but revise it.


"As I gazed upon the beautiful sight
Seeing this monster take its last flight
I thought to myself, how could this be,
That this monster had come to me."
- eh the first line: " As I gazed upon the beautiful sight" needs to be changed in either this stanza or the last. The repetition lessens the meaning of the phrase. If you use it in the end it will have more of an impact, so I suggest taking it out here. heres a suggestion, but its late and I can't think so its only meant as an example:

I thought to mayelf, how could this be?
That this monster had come to me.
For often have I dreamt, and often have I thought
of things of which the nether-regions wrought.

-yeah its bad, the last two lines are the best I could think of after 4 hours of marching band at 11:30 pm lol. feel free to use them if they catch your fancy, but yeah its only meant as a guideline. I put the last two lines first because I felt it sounded better.

"With one last plunge, the demon fell
Diving into the very depths of ****.
As I gazed upon this demon's flight,
I thought to myself, what a beautiful sight."

-good ending, only one criticism here, the line:"As I gazed upon this demon's flight" doesnt make any sense, because if I read it correctly the demon has already confined himself to he`ll, so maybe reflected instead of gazed or a word with a similiar meaning.

well I hope I was of some help. Over all I found the poem to be very good, It was interesting and captivating. You have an excellent writing voice and I urge you to continue to improve your skills.

well I fanybody has time I would greatly appreciate it if you looked at two of my pieces: "Icarian dreams" and "seduction in B minor".
"We must carry war into every corner the enemy happens to carry it, to his home, to his centers of entertainment:a total war. It is neccesary to prevent him from having a moment of peace, a quiet moment outside his barracks or even inside; we must attack him wherever he may be, make him feel like a cornered beast wherever he may move. then his moral fiber shall begin to decline, but we shall notice how signs of decadence begin to disappear."- Che Guevara

"shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man"-Ernesto "Che" Guevara
Age 35
Band room
Seen December 26th, 2005
Posted November 10th, 2004
329 posts
18.8 Years
lol well maybe that was a little much. thats how I get when Im on a caffeine high = ). the only reason I criticized so much was that I thought it had the potential to be really great, and if you only made small corrections it would just be that much better. I know with my poems, I'm constantly revising, always looking back moving things around, changing words, taking things out, putting things in and so on.
"We must carry war into every corner the enemy happens to carry it, to his home, to his centers of entertainment:a total war. It is neccesary to prevent him from having a moment of peace, a quiet moment outside his barracks or even inside; we must attack him wherever he may be, make him feel like a cornered beast wherever he may move. then his moral fiber shall begin to decline, but we shall notice how signs of decadence begin to disappear."- Che Guevara

"shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man"-Ernesto "Che" Guevara