i am

Started by protoman September 21st, 2004 6:55 PM
  • 698 views
  • 4 replies

protoman

everyone got to read!

some place trying to be a ninja.(not doing so good)
Seen October 24th, 2006
Posted October 24th, 2006
497 posts
18.8 Years
ok here is a poem i just made

I am Poem
I am a brave worrier
I wonder if my dreams will come true
I hear the metal hitting one another in a black smiths yard
I see thousands of soldiers in front of me
I want two swords
I am a brave worrier

I pretend that I am a twin bladder clad in only a chine mail, in front of an army
I feel the sweat running down my body
I touch the souls of people when I am not battling
I worry I mit die in battle
I cry when a loved one dies
I am a brave worrier

I understand people risk their lives others
I say that everyone as a destiny
I dream the world will be free from evil
I try to make my dreams come true
I hope the world will be free of evil even if it is for a short time
I am a brave worrier
[edit] i have to do it for english and i wont to see what people think of it
Age 35
Band room
Seen December 26th, 2005
Posted November 10th, 2004
329 posts
18.8 Years
well er I always try to be honest when I look at poetry and to put it bluntly I didn't like this piece at all. It was vague, poorly executed, and yeah. I really didn't like the premise at all it was really cliche to say the least.


"I am a brave worrier
I wonder if my dreams will come true
I hear the metal hitting one another in a black smith’s yard
I see thousands of soldiers in front of me
I want two swords
I am a brave worrier"

-so many problems I don't know where to start x_x. This is nonsenscial at best, but even poems about nonsense are interesting this is just bland and uninspiring. eh yeah every line here has something wrong with it, and I'm just too lazy to try and fix it.


"I pretend that I am a twin bladder clad in only a chine mail, in front of an army
I feel the sweat running down my body
I touch the souls of people when I am not battling
I worry I mit die in battle
I cry when a loved one dies
I am a brave worrier"

-this one is almost as bad..... the diction helps a little bit, but not much. so basically the same comments as the last stanza.

meh this is a good first attempt. emphasis on the word attempt. I really think that you could do better, my suggestion: toss this and start over again with a new premise.
"We must carry war into every corner the enemy happens to carry it, to his home, to his centers of entertainment:a total war. It is neccesary to prevent him from having a moment of peace, a quiet moment outside his barracks or even inside; we must attack him wherever he may be, make him feel like a cornered beast wherever he may move. then his moral fiber shall begin to decline, but we shall notice how signs of decadence begin to disappear."- Che Guevara

"shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man"-Ernesto "Che" Guevara