Rest my eyes and touch my Dreams

Started by BHwolfgang May 17th, 2009 7:14 PM
  • 678 views
  • 5 replies

BHwolfgang

kamikorosu

Age 28
Male
Virginia
Seen February 24th, 2014
Posted May 9th, 2013
3,905 posts
14.2 Years
I wake and wonder how it will start.
Hopefully, it'll be silent without a remark.
Unfortunately, before I open my eyes,
I can tell that you're watching me.
You tiptoed to my bed
and whispered to my head:
"Sleep and rest peacefully".
With that, I fall back into my dreams.
With that, I closed my eyes with ease.

Baby, don't you understand?
All I need is your helping hand.
Our love might not reach us in time.
It might be hard to you to come over my side,
but I want you to know that you are mine.
Forever…

We cast away reality
as they try to tore us apart.
I know your parents hated me,
but you know where my heart belongs.
We hold together's arm in a tightly knot.
Our bind together are ever strong.

Now I can finally tell you what I want to be.
With our endless love I swear to you.
Even when you're down, I'm always there for you.
So I rested my eyes, please tell me where I belong.
Whisper into my ears, please can you, dear?
I want to know what our love really mean…
Look deep inside my heart to find the answer to this melody…

… Rest my eyes and touch my dreams…

ShinjisLover

Seen May 11th, 2016
Posted July 5th, 2010
3,043 posts
14.4 Years
Unfortunately, before I open my eyes.
That should be a comma instead of a period.

With that I fall back into my dreams.
With that I closed my eyes with ease.
After 'with that' there should be a comma.

Our love might not reach us in time.
It might be slower than the sands of time,
Most people, including me, don't like when a poem repeats two rhyming words.

We cast away reality
as they try to tore us apart.
I know your parents hated me,
but you know where my heart belongs.
Our bind together are ever strong.
With the rhyme scheme you were going with (abacc), it seems you should've had another 'b' stanza in there, making it (ababcc).

Overall, that was a very sweet poem and I actually enjoyed reading it, even if poems aren't my forte. =X

Vie

...

germany
Seen March 17th, 2011
Posted December 24th, 2010
1,113 posts
15.7 Years
This could be a great song, do you play any instruments?
I like the little story in the lyrics, but I agree with shinji, ababcc would have been better.
keep on writing, this is pretty good.
If there is a light in everybody, send out your ray of sunshine.
7.4.2010 - My babygirl, my beautiful mess.

BHwolfgang

kamikorosu

Age 28
Male
Virginia
Seen February 24th, 2014
Posted May 9th, 2013
3,905 posts
14.2 Years
I have to agree with you three. I didn't really focus on the rhyming. It was more story-telling than just simple, rhyming stanzas. ;-)

This could be a great song, do you play any instruments?
I like the little story in the lyrics, but I agree with shinji, ababcc would have been better.
keep on writing, this is pretty good.
I actually play an acoustic guitar. Right now, I'm trying to get the timing for each line right.

Thank you. :)

Vie

...

germany
Seen March 17th, 2011
Posted December 24th, 2010
1,113 posts
15.7 Years
I have to agree with you three. I didn't really focus on the rhyming. It was more story-telling than just simple, rhyming stanzas. ;-)

I actually play an acoustic guitar. Right now, I'm trying to get the timing for each line right.

Thank you. :)
acoustic guitar? YAY, me too. you need to record it after you finished. I think it would be good with a slow rythm and g and dsus7 chords. and maybe Am7. and some more xD
acoustic guitar ftw.
If there is a light in everybody, send out your ray of sunshine.
7.4.2010 - My babygirl, my beautiful mess.