rate for me, that's all

Started by darkblastoise89 September 22nd, 2004 1:18 PM
  • 1180 views
  • 10 replies
Age 34
east siiide
Seen March 20th, 2005
Posted December 19th, 2004
420 posts
18.7 Years
In the leaves of the trees
and the breath of the breeze,
i feel your soul upon my sleeves.
and even though you are not here,
losing you is my greatest fear.

though my hand you cannot,my heart you take.
driving into it like a wooden stake
this feeling i have i cannot shake.
tearing me open like an eathquake
my love is real
and these feelings i feel,
i only feel them for you


*note: no comments on structure its not supposed to follow any of the traditional patterns like abab or aabb it's just 'sposed to flow...
btw i don't give most of my poems titles 'cuz that robs them of fluidity
and it's not like a grandmaster poem contest winning poem thing. it's more of a romantic monolouge
name changed to ~\Ethereal_Knight/~
Age 35
Band room
Seen December 26th, 2005
Posted November 10th, 2004
329 posts
18.8 Years
eh its alright I saw a few parts that could be revised. Parts that don't flow and/or don't make sense. But you said you didn't want anything beyond a rate so I'll keep those things to myself.
"We must carry war into every corner the enemy happens to carry it, to his home, to his centers of entertainment:a total war. It is neccesary to prevent him from having a moment of peace, a quiet moment outside his barracks or even inside; we must attack him wherever he may be, make him feel like a cornered beast wherever he may move. then his moral fiber shall begin to decline, but we shall notice how signs of decadence begin to disappear."- Che Guevara

"shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man"-Ernesto "Che" Guevara
Age 34
east siiide
Seen March 20th, 2005
Posted December 19th, 2004
420 posts
18.7 Years
^um that wasn't a rate, just a comment on what you would say if you could do more than rate it... and did you read the note? it's supposed to be more of a monolouge anyway.

parts that don't make sense eh? i didn't think that a short poem like that could seem cryptic... :bandit: interesting... my young cousin understands it pretty well.
name changed to ~\Ethereal_Knight/~
Age 35
Band room
Seen December 26th, 2005
Posted November 10th, 2004
329 posts
18.8 Years
^um that wasn't a rate, just a comment on what you would say if you could do more than rate it... and did you read the note? it's supposed to be more of a monolouge anyway.

parts that don't make sense eh? i didn't think that a short poem like that could seem cryptic... :bandit: interesting... my young cousin understands it pretty well.
I didn't mean it in that way. I meant it didn't logically flow, some phrases were out of place and jumbled the meaning. But I guess I'll show you.

first stanza seems alright although it lacks some diction its not a big deal.
second stanza convulutes the meaning.

"though my hand you cannot,my heart you take.
driving into it like a wooden stake
this feeling i have i cannot shake.
tearing me open like an eathquake
my love is real
and these feelings i feel,
i only feel them for you "
- now that I look at it a little more this might be a minor diction error, but eh we'll take a closer look. I also have an issue with the similes here which seem really weak and serve no purpose.

"though my hand you cannot,my heart you take. "
-good first line, cathces my attention, but you don't follow up in the second line with anything meaningful.
"driving into it like a wooden stake"
- this is a weak simile it doesn't really serve any other purpose other than to tell me what I already know. I prefer a good old fashioned metaphor to a simile, because a simile is obvious, but a metaphor is cryptic. a revision here would be nice.

"tearing me open like an eathquake"
-seems like you used the word earthquake merely for the purpose of rhyming. It makes the whole stanza seem rushed. Just as in the other line this one serves absolutely no purpose. It doesn't furhter establish an existing idea nor does it create a new one. It is a wasted line.

"My love is real
and these feelings i feel,
i only feel them for you "
- the ending doesn't establish anyhting either. From reading your poem I can surmise that your love is real, so putting it there insults the readers intelligence. ANd I could also gather that these feelings and the girl youre writing about are mutually exclusive, please tell me something new or give me a line to think about.

yeah well that was the bulk of my observation right there. It was alright, for the theme you chose.... I thought it was too short and there wasn't enough thought put into the similes. Some good things I noticed was organization of thought and choice of diction (for the most part).
"We must carry war into every corner the enemy happens to carry it, to his home, to his centers of entertainment:a total war. It is neccesary to prevent him from having a moment of peace, a quiet moment outside his barracks or even inside; we must attack him wherever he may be, make him feel like a cornered beast wherever he may move. then his moral fiber shall begin to decline, but we shall notice how signs of decadence begin to disappear."- Che Guevara

"shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man"-Ernesto "Che" Guevara
Age 32
Anywhere I wanna be!
Seen October 24th, 2004
Posted October 24th, 2004
802 posts
19.1 Years
wow that is sooo good!I give it....hmmm...ti seemed a little bit lacking.9/10!


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