Broken Heart

Started by Pikawolf September 22nd, 2004 2:38 PM
  • 1596 views
  • 17 replies
Seen April 13th, 2007
Posted October 12th, 2004
221 posts
18.7 Years
He swiftly raced by without a passing glance
Steady and strong, with a sure-fire stance.
With large heavy paws pounding the Earth,
Just the sight him fills one with mirth.

His fur was black and had eyes of gold
He's been in legends and tales of old.
For he is a wolf, no other compares,
No one competes, not even the Weres.

Fear will strike the hearts of all
When battling demons, he makes them fall.
He knows no fear, and feels no pain
Though the weight of his heart, is an ongoing strain.




Again: comments, critisizmz, and rates are welcome. Enjoy! ^_~

~Kelsey
Age 35
Band room
Seen December 26th, 2005
Posted November 10th, 2004
329 posts
18.8 Years
meh, I think its best to be honest(I know I would like an honest opinion of my poetry). So thats just what I'll give you. Based on the poems I've seen here by you, I think you could have done much better on this. IMO this is a difficult premise to write on, so that may have been part of it. Also its a little too straightforward for my tastes, if you tell the reader everything then you make it less enjoyable, but if you leave some things un-said then it makes it more interesting. Like my creative writng teacher told me:Its not so much what you say, it what you don't say. yeah that was a paraphrase, but eh Im sure you can catch the point.
"We must carry war into every corner the enemy happens to carry it, to his home, to his centers of entertainment:a total war. It is neccesary to prevent him from having a moment of peace, a quiet moment outside his barracks or even inside; we must attack him wherever he may be, make him feel like a cornered beast wherever he may move. then his moral fiber shall begin to decline, but we shall notice how signs of decadence begin to disappear."- Che Guevara

"shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man"-Ernesto "Che" Guevara
Age 34
east siiide
Seen March 20th, 2005
Posted December 19th, 2004
420 posts
18.7 Years
@finglonger: i more than respect your outlook on the works of others, but did you even say anything positive about her poem? if she changes it all, it wouldn't be the same poem she started with! i understand you being honest because i am quite brutally honest most of the time myself, but can you say anything positive?
P.S. no hard feelings okay?
name changed to ~\Ethereal_Knight/~
Age 35
Band room
Seen December 26th, 2005
Posted November 10th, 2004
329 posts
18.8 Years
oh ok, apology accepted I guess. And the way I always rate poems is by telling people the things they did wrong, if I told them what they did right how could they improve their writing?

In this case I didn't think it was her best work and I told her why. I didn't do it to be mean or spiteful I did it so that she could make this better. Basically my point is, why would you merely tell somebody how great it is without giveing them something to improve upon? Sure, telling someone they wrote something nice makes then feel good, but beyond that it does nothing.
"We must carry war into every corner the enemy happens to carry it, to his home, to his centers of entertainment:a total war. It is neccesary to prevent him from having a moment of peace, a quiet moment outside his barracks or even inside; we must attack him wherever he may be, make him feel like a cornered beast wherever he may move. then his moral fiber shall begin to decline, but we shall notice how signs of decadence begin to disappear."- Che Guevara

"shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man"-Ernesto "Che" Guevara
Age 34
east siiide
Seen March 20th, 2005
Posted December 19th, 2004
420 posts
18.7 Years
oh ok, apology accepted I guess. And the way I always rate poems is by telling people the things they did wrong, if I told them what they did right how could they improve their writing?

In this case I didn't think it was her best work and I told her why. I didn't do it to be mean or spiteful I did it so that she could make this better. Basically my point is, why would you merely tell somebody how great it is without giveing them something to improve upon? Sure, telling someone they wrote something nice makes then feel good, but beyond that it does nothing.
yeah well, i see your point, but like a little bit of both. saying what's good and saying what could be improved...
name changed to ~\Ethereal_Knight/~
Age 35
Band room
Seen December 26th, 2005
Posted November 10th, 2004
329 posts
18.8 Years
yeah youre right praise is an important part too. In the future I'll try to include both critcisms as well as parts I enjoyed reading. = )
"We must carry war into every corner the enemy happens to carry it, to his home, to his centers of entertainment:a total war. It is neccesary to prevent him from having a moment of peace, a quiet moment outside his barracks or even inside; we must attack him wherever he may be, make him feel like a cornered beast wherever he may move. then his moral fiber shall begin to decline, but we shall notice how signs of decadence begin to disappear."- Che Guevara

"shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man"-Ernesto "Che" Guevara
Age 32
Anywhere I wanna be!
Seen October 24th, 2004
Posted October 24th, 2004
802 posts
19.1 Years
I like it.It's really nice.Dang I wish I could figure out how to use such good words too.My mom would faint if she saw me using words like mirth.


Note:I am in more clubs than the ones advertised above.
[spoiler=Paired With]Satkun[/spoiler] [spoiler=Twins With]~Cyndy~[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Wolf Demon Tribe]koga_LUVer(leader),Nateitude(secondary leader),flame_chi,eliana,rickyp2004,Human Sesshomaru,Lady of the Shadows,EKANSSSSSSSSSS,Drei,Legendary_Pokegirl,Kikaider,Kelsey,darkblastoise89,Trainer Phoebe,elite13kid,pika-mew,and me.[/spoiler]


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