dumbpikAchu

suckingCharmanderIntoMybu tt

Age 27
Making sure that Charizard is still in my butt
Seen December 30th, 2017
Posted July 8th, 2011
222 posts
14.6 Years
Think of this fic as an anime special.
Astinus, feel like you get 5$ for every thread you close. (I don't want you to, but feel super-duper-free is the point)

POKEMON Logo

MYSTERY DUNGEON appears in white letters coming in a tight stream. (I hate milk!)
EXPLORERS FROM THE PAST appears in scratches.


An Aerodactyl flew around a rocky landscape. It landed on a mountain. A Mew was climbing up the mountain. When it saw the Aerodactyl, it pulled on a T-shirt. On the front, it had bold black words: Don't eat me, I'm endangered!
The Aerodactyl was wondering why Mews were always cautious around his kind. He teased,"Run if you want to, but I don't really have a taste for Mews."
Mew ripped his T-shirt off. He touched Aerodactyl's tail very shyly.
"Let me introduce myself," Aerodactyl said, as he kicked a loose rock off the mountain and into a sleeping Snorlax's mouth.
"I'm-"
"Aerodactyl," Mew said.
"Why does everybody know my name?"
"If I'm right, Pokemon are always named after what kind they are."
"Ohhhhh. Right," Aerodactyl said as he looked up.
"Do you have parents, Aerodactyl?"
"You could say so," Aerodactyl said, as he looked up to Arceus. "There and there, I say," he said, as he pointed to two stars very close together.
"Oh, me too."
"How did yours get to visit Arceus?"
"Oh, us Mews are fresh from Arceus," Mew said, puffing out his chest.
Aerodactyl rolled his eyes. "Mine got killed by- I don't know what. It was some sort of- Door, that was a circle.. They got killed just today."
"Wow.. I'm.. Sorry."
The Snorlax finally started choking on the rock. It woke up and spit it out.
"SNOOOOORLAAAAX!"
"If we don't get out of here, we're BOTH dead meat!" Aerodactyl said, as he got Mew onto his back.
*Commercial Break*
R&R, please!
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Neutrino

The Jelly-Stuff of legend...

Age 28
Male
Leeds, England
Seen July 10th, 2010
Posted March 28th, 2010
333 posts
14.3 Years
Well, I think it's a bit clumsy in the matter of structure. No spelling problems or with punctuation, but the structure and content is too higgeldy-piggeldy for my taste.m First off, the way you said: An Aerodactyl flew round the rocky landscape. I landed on the mountain. A Mew was climbing the mountain. It was just straight forward, there was no description, nothing to do with what the title says it was, and yes, complain you may that it was only the first chapter, but it doesn't make any difference!- No, that's wrong, it makes it worse! The First chapter must always have somethign of significance to the main plot line, and as far as I saw it, a bit of action, then the rest speech! I'd give it only a 1/5, I'm afraid, it needs a major reconstruction, you need to add more depth to it, and I'm afraid that's all I can say. Well, that and, Heed the advice, redo it, then sustain it throughout the story.

dumbpikAchu

suckingCharmanderIntoMybu tt

Age 27
Making sure that Charizard is still in my butt
Seen December 30th, 2017
Posted July 8th, 2011
222 posts
14.6 Years
Ok. I guess you're right. The reason I made it like that is because it's somewhat like anime episodes in my opinion. I'm just trying to make it fit in.
Maybe I should modify it.
But really, I don't see how I could add flavor into my opening sentences.
You didn't comment on the OPENING D: *points*
lol.
you're right.
thanks.
I myself only give it a 3/5. no, it would be more fair with the 10 scale. 4/10.
yup.
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dumbpikAchu

suckingCharmanderIntoMybu tt

Age 27
Making sure that Charizard is still in my butt
Seen December 30th, 2017
Posted July 8th, 2011
222 posts
14.6 Years
"Wow, we're right over the ocean!" Mew said. He moved up to Aerodactyl's tail.
"Wait, you-" Aerodactyl began. They started falling.
"Whhhhhhhhaaaaaa!" Mew screamed.
[DARK SCREEN]
"Kabuto, go get Pikachu!"
"Where is he, Omanyte?"
"Digging our new burrow. I'll wake 'em up!"
"Feebas are always supposedly tasty!
"I'll poke his belly button!"
Poke!
Aerodactyl opened his mouth, which let Omanyte drop Feebas in.
[/ BLACK SCREEN]
"Mmmm.. Feebas.. Thanks for the Feebas."
"Ooook. Glad you liked it," Omanyte said, looking sick to the stomach.
"I would eat grass if my teeth could chew it and it didn't get stuck in my throat. I hope you understand."
"Nah, it's ok, that guy was my arch-rival anyways."
Aerodactyl got up and bit Mew.
"AAACK! MY WEAKNESS! SNEASEL!! GET IT OFF!! AAAA!!!"Mew ran in circles until Omanyte strangled him.
"There's no Sneasel around here, Mew!"
"Ok. There is a-" He got whacked by Omanyte.
"There is not. GET IT INTO YOUR BRAIN!" Omanyte said as he shook Mew and let him go.
*COMMERCIAL BREAK*
R&R!
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