The Great Escape

Started by Saltare. June 6th, 2009 8:08 AM
  • 2627 views
  • 5 replies
Age 27
Female
High in the sky
Seen July 9th, 2012
Posted February 8th, 2012
2,429 posts
15 Years
Okay...I am bored. So I will write this. This is a Scarfshipping(JunxHikarixLucas) and Twileafshipping(JunxHikari) Story. This is sort of following the Platinum storyline so, enjoy!

NOTE: I do not own Pokemon. Nor do I own any pictures used.

The Great Escape



Chapter 1

Hikari sat curled up under a tree with her Piplup cradled in her arms. She let out a joyful sigh. Finally...some peace and quiet! She though.

"Hikari! Hikari!" A familiar voice shouted.

Oh no...Hikari looked down through the town and saw Jun running towards her. She stood up, Piplup jumped out of her arms.

"Hikari!" Jun shouted. He skidded to a stop in front of her.

Hikari's eyebrow was raised and her hands were on her hips.

"Oh...nice to see you, Hikari." Jun said.

Hikari smiled. "Now, what was all the yelling and running about?"

"This!" Jun shoved a piece of paper in her face.

Hikari took the colorful paper out of his hands. She skimmed over it. It was about a traveling festival in Floraroma Town. She looked back at Jun. "So...?"

"So...! We are gonna head out and follow it!" Jun exclaimed.

"Why?" Hikari asked.

"So we can have an adventure! C'mon, it'll be loads of fun!" Jun begged.

Hikari thought for a minute. She looked at Jun. "Oh, alright."

Jun grabbed Hikari's hands and started jumping up and down. "Oh, awsome! This will be great!"

The two of them ran back home to tell their mothers about their journey to follow this festival.

"A festival?" Hikari's mother asked.

"Not just a festival, a traveling festival!" Jun corrected.

"It will travel all around Sinnoh. Please mom, can I go?" Hikari begged, her hands clamped together.

Their mother's exchanged looks, then turned back to their children. "Alright." They said.

Hikari and Jun high-fived. "Alright! We are gonna follow the Traveling Festival of Sinnoh!" They shouted excitedly.

The children ran out of the door and through town.

"This is going to be so exciting!" Hikari cheered.

"I know!" Jun replied jumping forward.

They stopped in Sandgem Town by Prof. Roawn's lab.

The glass doors slid open and they walked in.

"Hi guys!" A voice greeted them. It was Lucas.

"Hey Lucas, wanna come with us to see the festival in Floraroma Town?" Hikari asked.

Lucas looked at Prof. Rowan. "Can I go Professor?"

Prof. Rowan nodded. "Alright, you can go."

Lucas jumped to his feet. "Awsome!" He walked up with Jun and Hikari and they all left.


(I know this is a really short chapter, but I can't sit at the computer and think of more. I will edit on to this when I think of what to write!)

Swift!

The Swiftiest

Male
Sydney, Australia
Seen September 16th, 2022
Posted December 7th, 2014
2,385 posts
14.9 Years
I haven't read the chapter yet, but, from just skimming over it, I can see something that kind of erks me.

Lucas, Jun and Hikari. What I see when I look at these names is one English name and two Japanese ones. It's not very consistent.

Why not have, either; Lucas, Damion/Barry & Dawn OR Kouki/Koki, Jun & Hikari?

You don't have to change the names, I just think it would make more sense.
Creator of PC's Prettiest Profile Contest
Age 28
Male
650
Seen November 13th, 2009
Posted September 8th, 2009
62 posts
18.5 Years
I'm pretty sure using a picture without knowing the creator is art theft, but let's get to the story.

First of all, do not capitalize the first letter in a dialog tag, and end a spoken sentence with a comma if there is a dialog tag next to it and it would end in a full stop otherwise. That's too wordy for me, but this is what I mean:

"Do you mean words?" he said.
"Yes, words," she said.
"Okay."
"I'm glad you understand!"

"Hikari!" Jun shouted. He skidded to a stop in front of her.

Hikari's eyebrow was raised and her hands were on her hips.

"Oh...nice to see you, Hikari." Jun said.
I don't understand why Jun had such a change in mood when he is talking to the same person and nothing happened yet. Sure, it could be because of the pose, but it changes back again.

This chapter doesn't explain what a traveling festival is. Perhaps you wanted the readers to wonder, and thus keep on reading. However, that probably won't be very effective if you don't give a small hint. I suggest that you quote the poster to give the readers an idea.

I think you should try to add more emotion to this. For example:
Hikari thought for a minute. She looked at Jun. "Oh, alright."
This paragraph says that she's agreeing to come along, but nothing about her attitude about it. She could be glad that her boredom has been broken, only going along because she likes Jun, or actually excited and just faking disinterest to be hard to get.

There's other opportunities, but hopefully you get my point. A person you should really focus on doing that for is Kouki, as he didn't get much screen time for this chapter.

Last of all, could you please stop using Left tags? It makes the story hard to quote, so I can't point out minor spelling errors.
Age 28
Seen January 26th, 2011
Posted September 16th, 2010
108 posts
14.3 Years
I liked the idea, but it's a little too short and you need a lot more of desciption and longer paragraphs too.
This signature has been disabled.
100px too wide
Please review and fix the issues by reading the signature rules.

You must edit it to meet the limits set by the rules before you may remove the [sig-reason] code from your signature. Removing this tag will re-enable it.

Do not remove the tag until you fix the issues in your signature. You may be infracted for removing this tag if you do not fix the specified issues. Do not use this tag for decoration purposes.