That Special Guy

Started by Grexx June 6th, 2009 11:09 AM
  • 800 views
  • 7 replies

Sydian

fake your death.

Age 30
they/them
Georgia
Seen May 22nd, 2022
Posted November 29th, 2021
33,354 posts
15.2 Years
First thing's first: leave the font the same. That way it stays the default so that no matter what skin someone's using, it looks decent. It's kind of hard to read when you've got Quilava's Glaciation going on over here.

Much to Ash’s protest, the group (or rather Dawn and Brock…)
The bolded part doesn't even need to be there. You've mentioned that Ash has a protest to it, and the only other people are obviously Dawn and Brock, so you don't need to mention that.

agreed to put their journey on hold to go to Hearthome City for a very special event: Sinnoh’s annual Tsuyamono, which was just two days away.
Needs a colon, not a complete stop.

It was kind of like Valentine’s Day except, according to avid fans of the tradition, a hundred times better.
Okay, here, you seemed to drift away from writer's mode and go into "talking with my buddies" mode. Try not to go too casual like that when explaining something.

Tsuyamono was held after Valentine's Day so the day full of hearts and candies can provide as a way for new couples to form for Tsuyamono.
Apostrophe.

On Tsuyamono, the female’s escort would be responsible for planning a romantic date, then once the clock strike midnight, all couples participating have to come to the beautiful ballroom only open on Tsuyamono. They will be judged by a special Pokemon to determine which couple had the most exciting and romantic date. The winners were presented with two beautiful and one of a kind jewelry made only with the most rare and most beautiful elements the earth could produce. The Crown of Time was placed on top of the female’s head, the diamond in the center symbolized Dialga, controller of time and the Necklace of Space given to the male had a pearl to symbolize Palkia, the controller of space.
Interesting, indeed. But maybe you should replace the word "controller" with "deity" seeing that controller reminds me of a television remote. Just a suggestion, though.

Ever since she was little she would dream about having the Crown of Time placed on her forehead after going on the most romantic date with the boy of her dreams and she’ll be damned if she doesn’t live this dream!
Kind of getting out of the writer's mode here again...more into the "HELL YEAH!!" biker/rocker dude type mode...something along those lines.

Every female wanted to win just as much as she did, as the winner will not only get the crown, but also be standing proud with their man live on international TV showing they have the best taste in men and that they have found the special guy every girl is looking for.
Bolded where you needed commas. Commas: they can make you or break you.

Brock was excited if not more excited about the Tsuyamono then Dawn (if that’s even possible) but not because of the prize.
Made me giggle, but "then" should be "than". Then refers to time, while than is for comparisons.

Even if he had to scream it to the world, he’s going to get himself a date this time if it’s the last thing he do.
Does. Last thing he does.

Pikachu and the rest of Ash’s, Dawn’s, and Brock’s Pokemon will finally be able to leave their trainers to have a short vacation from the constant battling and training.
I'm pretty sure when I say that it should be "Ash, Dawn, and Brock's Pokemon." I'm 98% positive on that one.

“Ugh… I still don’t see the point of pausing our journey for some stupid Tsuyakono.” Ash complained after he groaned, still lazily swinging his arms with an annoyed look.
Fixed where you needed it done. You put a sentence without a subject to even swing arms and have an annoyed look.

Dawn suddenly appeared behind the gawking Ash with a cute smile with her tongue out while holding a sign that had “VICTORY!” on it.
I understand the anime-ness you were going for here, but...I don't know. It has a distaste with me. -shrug-

“Look at it this way Ash, even if we were to head to Snowpoint City for your seventh gym battle it would most likely be closed because of the Tsuyamono,” explained Brock. Ash’s eyes slightly widened when he realized Brock was right. The Tsuyamono was a big time holiday in Sinnoh even for people who don’t really celebrate it.

Brock grinned before he continued, “and who knows you may be able to find a date for the Tsuyamono yourself Ash.” Brock watched in amusement when he caught Ash’s right eye twitch. The group heard Dawn snort causing all eyes to lie on her including Ash’s glaring ones.
I don't know how to explain the quote/comma rule, nor can I find the grammar thread because someone must have killed it while I was gone...I'll have to get back to you on that rule, really. But I am positive that if the person is going to continue talking, if the sentence normally would end with a period, you put a comma instead. Just check where I fixed it in the above quote.

Lucky Bastard…the jealous Breeder thought
Bastard doesn't need to be capitalised, and you need a period after thought.

“No you misunderstand me, I’m sure Ash could get a date…. At least I think so (Ash growled), Outside of Tsuyamono. My point is girls are going to be looking for a guy who can give them the best date and no offense but Ash wouldn’t know how to plan a date even if the worlds renowned dating experts explained it to him 24/7 for the rest of his life.”
Never put anything in parentheses inside a dialogue tag. It even looks worse when it's someone other than the speaker saying something. And instead of growled, which you've overused quite a bit, try switching it up a little. Snarled, scoffed, muttered, mumbled, etc.

Anyway, I like reading shippy fics (we seems to share the same reasons for liking things to be PG-13, ohoho), especially since I don't see a lot of stories that catch my eye. Aside from uber grammar mistakes, I like the story so far. It's got something to it and it seems very original.

Just remember: commas are your friends! I'll be checking back in for chapter two. If you need help before getting it posted, feel free to PM or VM me about it. I can see to it.
BURY ME SIX FEET DEEP COVER ME IN CONCRETE
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Age 30
Male
In my own personal after life.
Seen May 10th, 2017
Posted May 1st, 2010
67 posts
14.1 Years
First thing's first: leave the font the same. That way it stays the default so that no matter what skin someone's using, it looks decent. It's kind of hard to read when you've got Quilava's Glaciation going on over here.
Ah, good point. I'll change it, thanks.

The bolded part doesn't even need to be there. You've mentioned that Ash has a protest to it, and the only other people are obviously Dawn and Brock, so you don't need to mention that.
Yeah, I knew I didn't have to put that in there, but that was for a more humorous effect than anything else.

Needs a colon, not a complete stop.
Apostrophe.
Bolded where you needed commas. Commas: they can make you or break you.
Made me giggle, but "then" should be "than". Then refers to time, while than is for comparisons.
Does. Last thing he does
I'm pretty sure when I say that it should be "Ash, Dawn, and Brock's Pokemon." I'm 98% positive on that one.
Fixed where you needed it done. You put a sentence without a subject to even swing arms and have an annoyed look.
I don't know how to explain the quote/comma rule, nor can I find the grammar thread because someone must have killed it while I was gone...I'll have to get back to you on that rule, really. But I am positive that if the person is going to continue talking, if the sentence normally would end with a period, you put a comma instead. Just check where I fixed it in the above quote.
Bastard doesn't need to be capitalised, and you need a period after thought.
Never put anything in parentheses inside a dialogue tag. It even looks worse when it's someone other than the speaker saying something. And instead of growled, which you've overused quite a bit, try switching it up a little. Snarled, scoffed, muttered, mumbled, etc.
:shocked:

God, and here I thought my grammar was at least decent and I get A's in English... damn school system. Thanks for all this, are you a beta-reader?


Okay, here, you seemed to drift away from writer's mode and go into "talking with my buddies" mode. Try not to go too casual like that when explaining something.
Kind of getting out of the writer's mode here again...more into the "HELL YEAH!!" biker/rocker dude type mode...something along those lines.
LOL, you figured out my personality. Anywho, I know what you mean, but I didn't think that a dull and bland writing style suited a comedy story. Besides, I've seen this kind of "casual" talk in many professional novels especially first-person and YA novels.


Interesting, indeed. But maybe you should replace the word "controller" with "deity" seeing that controller reminds me of a television remote. Just a suggestion, though.
Suggestion noted, that makes much more sense.

I understand the anime-ness you were going for here, but...I don't know. It has a distaste with me. -shrug-
Can't please everybody, but I'm kind of dissapointed right now because you didn't find my jokes to be funny....:(


Anyway, I like reading shippy fics (we seems to share the same reasons for liking things to be PG-13, ohoho), especially since I don't see a lot of stories that catch my eye. Aside from uber grammar mistakes, I like the story so far. It's got something to it and it seems very original.

Just remember: commas are your friends! I'll be checking back in for chapter two. If you need help before getting it posted, feel free to PM or VM me about it. I can see to it.
LMAO, yes so it seems.

I'll try harder next time to get rid of the uber grammar mistakes..., and I'll make sure to drill in my head to use commas. If you think the grammar here is bad, you should check out some of the stories I have up at FF.

I'm glad you liked it, and took your time to give me some advice and pointers. Unlike my reviewers at FF, you shown me I still have a long way to go... and thanks for the offer, if I'm not sure my grammar is up to sniff then I'll send it to you.

Sydian

fake your death.

Age 30
they/them
Georgia
Seen May 22nd, 2022
Posted November 29th, 2021
33,354 posts
15.2 Years
God, and here I thought my grammar was at least decent and I get A's in English... damn school system. Thanks for all this, are you a beta-reader?
I am, actually.

LOL, you figured out my personality. Anywho, I know what you mean, but I didn't think that a dull and bland writing style suited a comedy story. Besides, I've seen this kind of "casual" talk in many professional novels especially first-person and YA novels.
Eh. I never read anything. That might be why I didn't notice it. It was an awkward thing to read, however.

Can't please everybody, but I'm kind of dissapointed right now because you didn't find my jokes to be funny...
Don't get me wrong, bud. I did find it a bit humorous. Nothing knee slapping or gut busting, but the little things are good too. Any laugh you can pull out of readers is a good thing, as long as their not laughing at your grammar mistakes or terrible plot. And I personally think the plot's great so far. Just keep it up.

I'm glad you liked it, and took your time to give me some advice and pointers. Unlike my reviewers at FF, you shown me I still have a long way to go... and thanks for the offer, if I'm not sure my grammar is up to sniff then I'll send it to you.
Hey, at least you got some reviews. I have no hits on FF as far as I know. And that's fine, but I have to inform you that I'll be gone for a week. So yeah.
BURY ME SIX FEET DEEP COVER ME IN CONCRETE
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