I agree with ShinjisLover about your comma usage. Commas can interrupt the flow of your work. So can 'buts' and 'evens' and 'even thoughs.' Like this sentence:
I bend my head, but I still feel your gaze, even through my protective curtain of hair.
sounds better (to me) as:
I bend my head, but I still feel your gaze through my protective curtain of hair.
See how it flows more smoothly? It shifts the emphasis from the hair to the gaze.
A single crystal tear spills onto my hot cheek, and I don't even bother wiping it away,
I was getting into the groove until this line hit me. Single tears and hot cheeks feel cliche to me.
"Please, stop it." I cry, and push you away.
Is this meant to be two sentences? I ask because it looks like you might have meant for there to be a comma after 'it' meaning that the words are cried (instead of said, shouted, etc.), but you could keep it as it is, perhaps with a line break like:
"Please, stop it."
I cry, and push you away. You stop...
It's like what you do it in this line.
"I love you." It's all I can say, because I know...
The trouble I'm having is with your story being in first person. I need to feel empathy for a character I'm supposed to "be." When I read
You try to connect with me, but I stay un-responsive, shutting you out.
I need to feel it. I need to understand the character somewhat because I'm supposed to be in their shoes.
There aren't many clues to the identity of these two ("This isn't your home." "You were always one of them.") so I can only guess at the forces that are pulling them apart. If I could deduce, for instance, only that one of them was a soldier and that it was 1939 then I would understand their heartache so much better and it would heighten the mystery. (Which side is he on? Which side is she on? Could he be killed if someone found out about them? Could she?)
A little editing and a sprinkling of hints and details here and there and you could have something really solid.