OldRivalShipping Fanfic: MA for drug use, acts of a sexual nature and medium violence

Deception: OldRivalShipping MA15+

Hi Haz here. I'm a big fan of OldRivalShipping and I've decided to right a fic on it. I was inspired by these pics: Clickie.
Anyway this is MA15+ for drug use, medium violence and acts of a sexual nature (although theres nothing too bad). You've been warned people.

The sharp stones were starting to cut at her feet, but she didn't feel nor care as she walked down the dirt road. Her name was Blue. She was twenty-one years of age and over the past years of her life she had changed greatly. She was kind of a girly-girl before with dresses and skirts but now she preferred to toss on jeans and a t-shirt, depending on the weather of course. Her hair was long and brown with blonde streaks through it although there was a single blue streak in her fringe. Like her name, her eyes were bright blue

A soft summer breeze was blowing and tried to brush her hair all over her face but her flat-brimmed hat stoped it. This hat once belonged to her boyfriend Zorro, who was currently away. He had given it to her as a good-bye present.

Her attention was drifted as she thought about her boyfriend. He was twenty-four and had lived his whole life in Vermillion. Her heart began to melt at the thought of him. He was so sexy, so gorgeous; God damn it words didn't describe him because he was just so hot. The girl began to think back to their last meeting.
It was a warm summer night in Vermillion. The moon hung low over the ocean as Blue and Zorro swam in the warm water of the bay. After an hour of swimming, they swam towards the sandy shore where their towels clothes were.

Wrapping an arm around her, Zorro kissed her. Returning it, she wrapped her arm around his neck while running her other hand through his slick blond hair. He removed his mouth from hers and leant against her forehead while she leant against his chin. He was much too tall for her but that didn't matter.

"Blue…" he whispered.

"Zorro." She answered as she kissed him again.

"I better leave now. The ferry leaves at fiver-thirty AM and I haven't packed at all yet."

Blue looked up at him with her deep blue eyes, "Why Zor? You get to have an adventure in Sinnoh while I wait for you to come back?"

Zorro let go of her and picked up his shirt. He put on the tight-fitting tank-top before answering, "You know it's not like that Blue."

"Isn't it? I haven't had a battle with my Pokémon since I met you."

"But Pokémon are dangerous, you have to be strong enough-"

Blue interrupted him, "So you think I'm weak? I don't the have power to control them?"

"I never-"

"God damn it Zorro! It's so obvious!" she pushed him away and gather up her clothes, a tank-top and board shorts and put them on over her swimmers, "Go off to Sinnoh then. Go on, go!"
She turned and ran up the stairs to the dirt road. The lights of Vermillion twinkle at her. Fighting tears, she ran back towards the city but as ran, a voice called out from behind her.

"Blue, wait up! C'mon babe, we need to talk!"
Blue stopped and turned to find Zorro right behind her.
He opened his mouth to explain but Blue beat him to it, "What do you want?"

Zorro stammered a little bit as he talked "I didn't mean what I said Blue, I think you're a trainer, but sometimes I got jealous of your friendship with them."

Blues heart melted at the sight of her boyfriend confessing his heart out to her.

"I'm sorry Blue. I hope you understand." As an answer Blue kissed him, "Go to Sinnoh, I'll be waiting for you when you come back, not as a trainer but as a champion." She smiled at him "Now are you going to be a gentlemen and drop me home or do I have to walk alone?"

He laughed and called out his Fearow. The Fearow allowed the two to climb before taking off into the night sky with Blue and Zorro upon its back.
Blue sighed at the thought of this. Zor seemed sorry so, why hold a grudge? At least she was back being a trainer while he was away.

She was just passing an iron fence with a two meter tall hedge behind it when a Pokémon, a Growlith, appeared in front of her. It barked at her and jumped at her, begging to be patted which Blue did. A tall iron gate opened up in a one and a half meter gap in the hedge and a yen-year-old buy ran out. He wore blue shorts and a yellow t-shirt along with a blue cap. His hair was neat under his cap and he held a Poke ball in one hand. He called the Growlithe, "Growly! Here boy!"

The Growlithe trotted over to the boy who rubbed its belly after it rolled over. He then asked Blue, "Hey are you a trainer?"
Blue smiled, "Yeah, wanna have a battle?"
The boy grinned, "You bet! You too Growly?" Growl barked in agreement. "Right then, go Snaky!"

He sent out an Ekans, "Ekanssssss!" it hissed while rattling its tail like mad.

"Ekans huh?" Blue smiled, "Okay then. Okay, let's try out my new Pokémon, Slicey!"
Throwing out a ball, a Sneasel burst out, twitching its claws and crying "Sneasel!"

"By the way," Blue said "What's your name kid?"

"Rex." he called back as he and Blue stepped back to give the Pokémon room to battle "What's yours?"

"Blue. Now Slicey, Quick Attack!"

Slicey darted forward and struck Ekans. Ekans was pushed backwards but not majorly harmed.

"Snaky, use Poison Sting!" Snaky opened its mouth and fired white needles at Slicey. Slicey tried to hit them away with its claws but got hit. Blue called out to it.

"Don't give up! Use Fury Swipes!"

Slicey leapt forward and sliced Ekans at least four times leaving deep scratch marks in its scales. It reared up trying to do another attack but the bleeding from the scars took its toll. It fell on its belly and gave a final hiss.

"Awww man!" Rex groaned "Snaky!" he sighed and returned the Pokémon.

"Wanna go again?" Blue asked but before Rex could answer; a call came from behind the hedge "Rex! Lunch time!"

Rex yelled back, "Coming Dad!" turning to Blue he said, "Thanks for the battle, it helped me learn a lot. Do you want to stay for lunch? I want to show you more of my Pokémon."

"Sure thing. I might show you my other Pokemon" Blue smiled as she walked through the gate.

"Radical"

The first thing she saw was an olden styled, wooden, two-story house you might see on a ranch of some kind. The veranda had a fence with a gate around it and a table with wooden chairs. The screen door had a doggy door for Growly and the open windows showed the rooms inside. The right hand side showed a modern-styled kitchen. On the bench in the middle with a bag of hot chips and a bottle of gravy nearby. Viewable through the other window, was a lounge room. A flat screen TV was in the corner with a Wii hooked up to it. A leather lounge was opposite it. The coffee table beside the lounge had a packet of cigarettes on it as well as a jumble of magazines.

The yard wasn't as nice as inside. There were a few berry trees planted near the right hand side of the hedge and long grass was growing in patches near the left hand side as well. A double-door garage was a joined to the house and inside, was a Harley Davidson motorcycle.
As they got closer to the house, Rex told Blue about his Dad.

"He's a Pokémon trainer too! He's been all over the world!" he kept going on in an excited voice. Once they reached the house, Rex called out to his dad. "Dad! I'm home; I brought a friend home that I battled!" A twenty-two year old man stepped out onto the veranda. He wore a tank-top which seemed it had once been a normal t-shirt as the edges where the sleeve once was were ripped. His arms were riddled with tattoos of chains and vines with thorns. His brown hair was spiked up on his head and had stubble on his chin. He wore dark cargo pants with a packet of cigarettes in one pocket. Around his waist was a belt with six Poke balls. He wore skate shoes and had a fang dangling from a ring through his ear. He was kind of scruffy looking with his clothes and stubble but looked kind enough. And his eyes, they were kind-looking and deep green. But even though he was older, Blue knew exactly who he was. And he knew who she was.

"Green? Is that you?"

It was... okay, the only problem being it's structure. Let's break it down, shall we?

The sharp stones were starting to cut at her feet but she didn't feel or care as she walked down the dirt road. The soft summer breeze tried to brush her long brown hair all over her face but her flat-brimmed hat stoped it. This hat once belonged to her boyfriend Zorro, who was currently away. He gave it to her as a good-bye present.

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The first sentence was a bit too much of a mouthfull, it should have a comma after 'feet'. again, there should be a comma after 'face' in the second sentence. 'This' should be 'the', wrong person.

Her attention was drifted as she thought about her boyfriend. His name was Zorro; he was twenty-four and lived his whole life in Vermillion. Her heart began to melt at the thought of him. He was so sexy, so gorgeous; God damn it words didn't describe him because he was just so damn hot. The girl began to think back to their last meeting.

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You already said that his name was Zorro, so you don't need the bold sentence. I don't quite understand the 'lived his whole life in Vermillion' bit. I have a feeling that there should be a 'had' before 'lived'. We still have no clue as to who 'the girl' is.

It was a summer night in Vermillion. The moon hung low over the ocean as Blue and Zorro swan in the warm water of the bay. After an hour of swimming, they swam towards the sandy shore where their clothes were.
Wrapping an arm around her, Zorro kissed her. Returning it, she wrapped her arm around his neck while running her other hand through his slick blond hair. He removed his moth from hers and leant against her forehead while she leant against his chin. He was much too tall for her but that didn't matter.

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moon? Should be 'Moon'. Would sound and look better, if there was a ',' after ocean. Um, I'm hoping after you mentioned that their clothes wer on the shore, that they put them on before wrapping themselves around eachother in ways I deeply do not want to think about. Otherwise, it would be... weird, adn teh comment about the clothes being on the shore would be uneccessary.
Unless Zorro is some alien species, I'm pretty sure it should be 'mouth' not 'moth'. also, if he's leanign agaisnt her forehead, - although, 'rested his chin on her forehead' would put it better - then I'd find it rpetty hard NOT to lean on his chin, so that bit wasn't really needed. And, so far, we ahve no idea as to what they look like, except that blue has brown hair, Zorro has blonde hair, and that blue has a flat-rimmed hat.

there was a lack of description in characters,s o that's one thign that could be added. Also, there should be a space or, preferably, a double space between paragraphs, and start a new line each time someone new talks or, in the Pokemon's case, makes sound.

Also, I find it horribly innapropriate that someone, in there twenties, would be invited in by a nine year old. I mean, she is in her twenties, right? otherwise, she shouldn't really have a 24 your old boyfriend. If so, then she must at least be in her late teens, 19 at a minimum, and as such, why would the 9 year old's dad allow a 19 year old girl to be invited in by his 9 year old son? Even if they do know each other, some midunderstandings may come around, and, it's common sense that you don't just invite someone in for tea, as well as, accepting an invitation from a 9 yeard old, someone ten years or more younger, that you've known for less that a quarter of an hour.

It could be a good story, it has the potential roots, but, heed the advice with a clean up, and it'll surely look better ^^

If I may...

Ditto-Jelly said:

moon? Should be 'Moon'.

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Actually, no, the capitalization of this word is optional and depends on consistency. (You can see an example of it not being capitalized here.)

Would sound and look better, if there was a ',' after ocean.

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The comma would have absolutely no function in this sentence. "As" serves as a adverb here to indicate the timing of the events. In other words, this would be like saying you need a comma in the sentence, "The moon hung low over the ocean while Blue and Zorro swam in the warm water of the bay."

I also note that you missed the misspelling of the word "swam."

Um, I'm hoping after you mentioned that their clothes wer on the shore, that they put them on before wrapping themselves around eachother

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*facepalm* If you're going to correct someone's grammar, at least proofread your review. Numbers of errors in grammar and spelling in a review that also covers grammar and spelling tend to make a writer take your review less seriously because they start to ask why they should take your advice concerning the English language if you don't yourself, bluntly put.

That said, "each other" is two words," and "wer" is not one at all. That and...

adn teh ... uneccessary

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Seriously?

also, if he's leanign agaisnt her forehead, ... then I'd find it rpetty hard NOT to lean on his chin,

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Depends on what body parts are connecting. There's such a thing as resting your forehead against someone else's. Or a cheek. Or basically any part of the face that wouldn't hurt if you tried to connect it with something (you know, like the eye).

Also, there should be a space or, preferably, a double space between paragraphs, and start a new line each time someone new talks or, in the Pokemon's case, makes sound.

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This I agree with, and it's really the reason why I'm having difficulty actually reading the story itself. This is basically a massive wall of text to me, and unfortunately, my eyes tend to wander if I see a page of solid text with no indentation (for printed text because, yeah, you can't indent on the internet) or paragraph breaks at all. Once the author inserts clearer paragraph breaks, I'll be able to go through with reading it. Sorry.

Also, I find it horribly innapropriate that someone, in there twenties, would be invited in by a nine year old.

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The kid was inviting her in for lunch to congratulate her for her victory. =| Get your mind out of the gutter.

Seriously, there's nothing wrong with that. Granted, the real world presses into kids the idea of, "OMG DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS," but the Pokémon world tends to function differently. By the age of ten, kids in that world are mature enough to go out on their own and make decisions, all while protecting themselves. It's probably not unusual for a kid to say, "Hey, you beat me! Why don't we have lunch?"

I mean, she is in her twenties, right? otherwise, she shouldn't really have a 24 your old boyfriend.

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There's nothing unusual about a teenager having an older boyfriend so long as it's not an obscene age difference. As in, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, yeah, that's not exactly taboo. Anything younger than that isn't exactly kosher except in certain fandoms, of course, but still.

Even if they do know each other, some midunderstandings may come around,

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I think someone in their late teens would know enough about preteen kids to know what is and isn't a good idea around them. After all, Ash travels with at least one all the time.

and, it's common sense that you don't just invite someone in for tea,

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It happens all the time in canon. How many characters of the day said to Ash, "Oh, you're a traveler. Want to come in and have a snack?" The answer is a lot of them.

as well as, accepting an invitation from a 9 yeard old, someone ten years or more younger, that you've known for less that a quarter of an hour.

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Again, happens all the time in canon.


Overall, Ditto, seriously, some of your advice is good, but a lot of it shows you really need to do research into both the canon and language in general before submitting comments to someone else's fic. As noted in the thread Reviewing and You, reviewers are here to help the writer improve. Misinformation leads them off the right track, and a lack of displayed skill (e.g., your constant misspellings) make the writer take your review less seriously. Try writing your review in a word processing document, and always, always fact check. There should be as much care going into reviewing as there is in writing the actual story, and except for the "don't revive threads whose last post was made over a month ago" rule, you've got no reason to rush.


Posted this review-to-a-review here to help clarify some points. There are a lot of other points Ditto didn't touch on, but unfortunately, my primary concern is the lack of paragraph breaks. It's clear you understand paragraphs, Haz, because I can see this isn't one massive, square block of text. Just hit the enter key twice instead of just once between each paragraph, and you should clear that problem up.

The rest of the review should come later. I'll put this on my to-read list.

Thanks for the advice guys I'll try and fix the mistakes. I might increase the kids age but I was comparing this to the anime like you said.
I'll fix yhe mistakes up this afternoon, I got to go to the school :(
And also, I took what you said, valentine and tried to fix the paragraphs. Also, ditto-Jelly, I didn't follow your advice because 1: most of the mistakes I made were spelling mistakes, and 2: The other mistakes that you said I made were not mistakes at all.
For example:

moon? Should be 'Moon'.

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Heres a brief space lesson for you. There are over 10 moons in our solar system and most have thier own names. If I was referring to one of Saturns, I would say: "Saturns Moon is one of the biggest in our galexy."
But if was just reffering to any moon, mainly the one closest to us it would be uncapalised.
Did you get all that? Sorry, sometimes I have trouble explaining things :P
Oh and another thing, about the midnight swim. If it sounded kind of wrong it wasn't meant to be. I said that Zorro just put his shirt on meaning, he was alredy wearing pants. So I thought people would assume they were both wearing swimmers.

Anyway next chapter will be up soon.

'>> phew... Glad about that ^^

Okay, re-reading I can see some things that aren't mistakes that I put them down as, and for that, I apologise, but the things I said at the beggining about the commas was correct, and they're not spelling mistakes, they're grammatical mistakes. Also, 'galexy' is spelt 'galaxy', just so if you're plannign on using it in the future. ^^

The sharp stones were starting to cut at her feet, but she didn't feel nor care as she walked down the dirt road. Her name was Blue. She was twenty-one years of age and over the past years of her life she had changed greatly. She was kind of a girly-girl before with dresses and skirts but now she preferred to toss on jeans and a t-shirt, depending on the weather of course. Her hair was long and brown with blonde streaks through it although there was a single blue streak in her fringe. Like her name, her eyes were bright blue

A soft summer breeze was blowing and tried to brush her hair all over her face but her flat-brimmed hat stoped it. This hat once belonged to her boyfriend Zorro, who was currently away. He had given it to her as a good-bye present.

Her attention was drifted as she thought about her boyfriend. He was twenty-four and had lived his whole life in Vermillion. Her heart began to melt at the thought of him. He was so sexy, so gorgeous; God damn it words didn't describe him because he was just so hot. The girl began to think back to their last meeting.
It was a warm summer night in Vermillion. The moon hung low over the ocean as Blue and Zorro swam in the warm water of the bay. After an hour of swimming, they swam towards the sandy shore where their towels clothes were.

Wrapping an arm around her, Zorro kissed her. Returning it, she wrapped her arm around his neck while running her other hand through his slick blond hair. He removed his mouth from hers and leant against her forehead while she leant against his chin. He was much too tall for her but that didn't matter.

"Blue…" he whispered.

"Zorro." She answered as she kissed him again.

"I better leave now. The ferry leaves at fiver-thirty AM and I haven't packed at all yet."

Blue looked up at him with her deep blue eyes, "Why Zor? You get to have an adventure in Sinnoh while I wait for you to come back?"

Zorro let go of her and picked up his shirt. He put on the tight-fitting tank-top before answering, "You know it's not like that Blue."

"Isn't it? I haven't had a battle with my Pokémon since I met you."

"But Pokémon are dangerous, you have to be strong enough-"

Blue interrupted him, "So you think I'm weak? I don't the have power to control them?"

"I never-"

"God damn it Zorro! It's so obvious!" she pushed him away and gather up her clothes, a tank-top and board shorts and put them on over her swimmers, "Go off to Sinnoh then. Go on, go!"
She turned and ran up the stairs to the dirt road. The lights of Vermillion twinkle at her. Fighting tears, she ran back towards the city but as ran, a voice called out from behind her.

"Blue, wait up! C'mon babe, we need to talk!"
Blue stopped and turned to find Zorro right behind her.
He opened his mouth to explain but Blue beat him to it, "What do you want?"

Zorro stammered a little bit as he talked "I didn't mean what I said Blue, I think you're a trainer, but sometimes I got jealous of your friendship with them."

Blues heart melted at the sight of her boyfriend confessing his heart out to her.

"I'm sorry Blue. I hope you understand." As an answer Blue kissed him, "Go to Sinnoh, I'll be waiting for you when you come back, not as a trainer but as a champion." She smiled at him "Now are you going to be a gentlemen and drop me home or do I have to walk alone?"

He laughed and called out his Fearow. The Fearow allowed the two to climb before taking off into the night sky with Blue and Zorro upon its back.
Blue sighed at the thought of this. Zor seemed sorry so, why hold a grudge? At least she was back being a trainer while he was away.

She was just passing an iron fence with a two meter tall hedge behind it when a Pokémon, a Growlith, appeared in front of her. It barked at her and jumped at her, begging to be patted which Blue did. A tall iron gate opened up in a one and a half meter gap in the hedge and a yen-year-old buy ran out. He wore blue shorts and a yellow t-shirt along with a blue cap. His hair was neat under his cap and he held a Poke ball in one hand. He called the Growlithe, "Growly! Here boy!"

The Growlithe trotted over to the boy who rubbed its belly after it rolled over. He then asked Blue, "Hey are you a trainer?"
Blue smiled, "Yeah, wanna have a battle?"
The boy grinned, "You bet! You too Growly?" Growl barked in agreement. "Right then, go Snaky!"

He sent out an Ekans, "Ekanssssss!" it hissed while rattling its tail like mad.

"Ekans huh?" Blue smiled, "Okay then. Okay, let's try out my new Pokémon, Slicey!"
Throwing out a ball, a Sneasel burst out, twitching its claws and crying "Sneasel!"

"By the way," Blue said "What's your name kid?"

"Rex." he called back as he and Blue stepped back to give the Pokémon room to battle "What's yours?"

"Blue. Now Slicey, Quick Attack!"

Slicey darted forward and struck Ekans. Ekans was pushed backwards but not majorly harmed.

"Snaky, use Poison Sting!" Snaky opened its mouth and fired white needles at Slicey. Slicey tried to hit them away with its claws but got hit. Blue called out to it.

"Don't give up! Use Fury Swipes!"

Slicey leapt forward and sliced Ekans at least four times leaving deep scratch marks in its scales. It reared up trying to do another attack but the bleeding from the scars took its toll. It fell on its belly and gave a final hiss.

"Awww man!" Rex groaned "Snaky!" he sighed and returned the Pokémon.

"Wanna go again?" Blue asked but before Rex could answer; a call came from behind the hedge "Rex! Lunch time!"

Rex yelled back, "Coming Dad!" turning to Blue he said, "Thanks for the battle, it helped me learn a lot. Do you want to stay for lunch? I want to show you more of my Pokémon."

"Sure thing. I might show you my other Pokemon" Blue smiled as she walked through the gate.

"Radical"

The first thing she saw was an olden styled, wooden, two-story house you might see on a ranch of some kind. The veranda had a fence with a gate around it and a table with wooden chairs. The screen door had a doggy door for Growly and the open windows showed the rooms inside. The right hand side showed a modern-styled kitchen. On the bench in the middle with a bag of hot chips and a bottle of gravy nearby. Viewable through the other window, was a lounge room. A flat screen TV was in the corner with a Wii hooked up to it. A leather lounge was opposite it. The coffee table beside the lounge had a packet of cigarettes on it as well as a jumble of magazines.

The yard wasn't as nice as inside. There were a few berry trees planted near the right hand side of the hedge and long grass was growing in patches near the left hand side as well. A double-door garage was a joined to the house and inside, was a Harley Davidson motorcycle.
As they got closer to the house, Rex told Blue about his Dad.

"He's a Pokémon trainer too! He's been all over the world!" he kept going on in an excited voice. Once they reached the house, Rex called out to his dad. "Dad! I'm home; I brought a friend home that I battled!" A twenty-two year old man stepped out onto the veranda. He wore a tank-top which seemed it had once been a normal t-shirt as the edges where the sleeve once was were ripped. His arms were riddled with tattoos of chains and vines with thorns. His brown hair was spiked up on his head and had stubble on his chin. He wore dark cargo pants with a packet of cigarettes in one pocket. Around his waist was a belt with six Poke balls. He wore skate shoes and had a fang dangling from a ring through his ear. He was kind of scruffy looking with his clothes and stubble but looked kind enough. And his eyes, they were kind-looking and deep green. But even though he was older, Blue knew exactly who he was. And he knew who she was.

"Green? Is that you?"

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See how much better that looks? For one, it is a lot easier to read, and two, when correcting, one can easily pull the out the chunk that they want you to look at it.

I recommend that you you have your alignment and spacing like this from now on.

Also, when you describing "Green," it seemed a little bland to me, I don't know, but it seemed like you were just listing articles of clothing and accessories, maybe you could perhaps put some of Blue's personal input on his appearance?

Okay, I'll try that. Next chapter might be up by next week.

EDIT: Did that in word but when I copied and pasted it in here, it didn't stay the same :(

Haz said:

EDIT: Did that in word but when I copied and pasted it in here, it didn't stay the same :(

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Tip: Notice how the reply box has all those buttons above it? Go to the far right. Above the one that says "YouTube," there's a button that looks like A/A. That switches editing modes. When you paste your story into the reply box, hit it a couple times to clear the formatting of your work (i.e., so whatever formatting you put on the Word document isn't screwed up by the internets).

After that, you should be able to manually insert line breaks between each paragraph. Line breaks are lines of nothing but clear space, like the spaces between the paragraphs I'm writing right now. They serve as substitutes for indenting (hitting the tab key or space key before the start of a new paragraph) because you can't indent on the internet unless you know the code to do it. Browsers tend to strip that kind of stuff away.

In other words, even if you do it in Word, you'll have to double-check your work in Preview Post or generally in the reply box. At the same time, you'll probably have to add in paragraph breaks by hand after you paste your work in this field.

Oh okay, thanks for that.

EDIT: Stupid computer wont let me press it for some stupid reason. >:(

EDIT 2: Sorry for no fic! I've got writers blok :(