The Next Legend

Started by Nnaemeka June 28th, 2009 11:23 AM
  • 728 views
  • 8 replies
Seen July 30th, 2009
Posted July 11th, 2009
6 posts
14.9 Years
My first Pokemon fancfic. Comment!!

Chapter 1- Why?


"Mom! I'm going out, now!" Josh ran out of the house at full speed.
"Ok, but be careful!" she shouted out of the laboratory, where she was working. Josh was excited. Today was the day his mother had finally allowed him to catch a wild Pokémon of his own. She had also given him one of the new prototype 'elemental' Pokéballs. They would allow him to catch a Pokémon of a certain type, for instance this one with a thunderbolt would allow him to catch an electric Pokémon much more easily (but it was not necessarily limited to electric Pokémon). His mother only got these to test out with because she was a professor and in an inspiration to try them out, she had allowed Josh to catch his first Pokémon with one. Josh smiled to himself and paused. His black hair, which was slightly spiked up, shone in the sunlight. Thanks to his taller than average height, he scanned the area for any Pokémon he might want. He saw all the usual Pokémon. The mankey and sentret hanging in the trees. The pidgey and spearow’s flying up ahead. There were the horsea's and goldeen's and magikarp's splashing about in the river. He stared at it intently, lost in its deep, mesmerising blue and he remembered.

***
It was going to storm that day, yet despite his mother's warnings he had gone out to play there. The rain had been splattering all over him, making his clothes stick to him uncomfortably. The rocks had been made wet and dangerously slippery due to the heavy rains. He had been messing on the rocks by the side, jumping from stone to stone, when he slipped and fell in, gashing his leg on the side. Pain flared up and he cried out in pain, but that was soon cut out as he entered the water and it rushed into his mouth, choking him. Normally the river is shallow, but due to the heavy rain and winds, it had become deep and wild. He struggled, thrashing and kicking, but he still sank under. The cold was seeping into him, into his very bones. Never had he experienced such cold. It froze him and his struggles stopped. He felt calm now, almost peaceful and very tired. His eyelids drooped lower and lower until his eyes closed. And he died. Suddenly there was a blue light. It seeped into him, warming up his chilled bones. Revived somewhat he frantically surged towards its source. As he broke the surface, he opened his eyes and found himself staring into Suicune, its eyes aglow and staring at him intensely. It had brought him back.
***

That was the reason why. Why he had to capture Suicune.
Seen July 30th, 2009
Posted July 11th, 2009
6 posts
14.9 Years
May add more to this....but please comment!!!

Chapter 2- The start of a beautiful friendship?

Josh gasped as he felt icy cold water suddenly splash onto his face. Shaking himself out of his reverie, he looked up to see several horsea's braying in laughter. They had used water gun on him. Josh glared at them.
"It's not funny!" he waved a fist at them. The horsea's fell silent for a second, staring at him long and hard. Then they burst into laughter again and swiftly swam off, but not before spraying him with ink.
"ARGGHH!!" Josh, blinded, stumbled and fell backwards, falling straight into the river. The icy cold seeped into his bones and for a second he thought he was six again and drowning. He flailed around a bit, until he realised he was in a shallow end. Embarressed, Josh dragged himself slowly out of the water, his clothes somewhat heavier and dripping serious amounts of water. As he coughed and spluttered, a pokemon ran up to him, stopping a short way off. It was a small and round mouse looking thing, yellow in colour. It had a short black tail, somewhat reminding him of a thunderbolt and it had two pink spots on its cheeks. It was a Pichu. Oddly, it had a quiff. The pokemon stared at him with its little round blackcurrant eyes for a little bit, then came up closed and sniffed him. Suddenly it's nose twitched.
"Pi...pi...PICHU!" The Pichu sneezed, letting off small sparks of electricity. Normally they would be harmless, but since Josh had come out of a river, the electricity did a little more than just tingle him. It shocked him.
"Ow...." Josh muttered after the pain had stopped. The Pichu looked at him distressed at the pain it had caused for him.
"Pipi!" It said worriedly. Josh staggered to his feet slowly, first on one knee, then the other. Once he had stood up fully, he checked himself out. His clothes were singed and he smelled slightly burnt. But otherwise he was A-Ok. Then he saw the Pichu and the tears that were welling up in its eyes.
"He..hey! It's ok little buddy! I'm fine. See" Josh knelt down and patted the Pichu on its small furry head. The Pichu sniffed and nodded. Then suddenly seemed to brighten as it regained its happy self. It jumped up and down happily, then tripped and crashed noisily to the ground. Josh looked at it warily.
"You sure are clumsy" he remarked. Then he noticed the Pichu was out cold.
"Scratch that. Your dangerously clumsy" Sighing, he picked up the unconscious pokemon and started walking home.
"Well I can't just leave it out here" he said to himself.
Age 29
Male
England
Seen April 25th, 2011
Posted April 17th, 2011
197 posts
13.9 Years
Wow this looks like it will be one good story ^^, There is a few errors here and there; but thats ok if you ever get stuck you should use Micorsoft Word; it normally helps correct things that could be wrong; but all in all you've done a good job and it will be a good story no doubt! =3 Keep up the good work.
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Everybody's connected

Male
The Wired
Seen 2 Days Ago
Posted August 30th, 2016
1,645 posts
14.7 Years
Since no one has gotten around to a proper review, I’ll do it.
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but that was soon cut out as he entered
‘But that was soon cut off’. Grammar really isn’t my forte but usually I notice that some words don’t fit quite right together.

Normally the river is shallow
‘Normally the river was shallow’ Try to get your tenses right. Before this you seem to be writing the story in simple past tense but this one was just present tense.

Suddenly there was a blue light. It seeped into him, warming up his chilled bones. Revived somewhat he frantically surged towards its source. As he broke the surface, he opened his eyes and found himself staring into Suicune, its eyes aglow and staring at him intensely. It had brought him back.
I didn’t know Suicune could bring back the dead. 0_o?

That was the reason why. Why he had to capture Suicune.
I don’t know much about Pokémon ethics but, if one saved you, why would you want to capture it? Isn’t that kind of a selfish reason?

"Ow...." Josh muttered after the pain had stopped.
That was somewhat anticlimactic. Maybe you should add more description to the line before that.

It is a new line whenever someone is speaking. It looks like all one paragraph to me.
So true… Don’t type this in the reply box. That’s there when you want to type a quick message, not a chapter. If the spaces go away when you paste it, try double-spacing it.

This concludes my review. Bear in mind that you can’t live on a few good comments. You have to read the reviews and fix them too. I can’t say the story was particularly interesting though. What makes yours different than all the other thousands of OT fics out there? There’s no variety.
“OT fic?” you say.
Yes, your fic is slowly turning into an OT fic like it or not. Try to fix it if this isn’t what you’re aiming for.
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