She is still too human, Pryce thinks. She has yet to learn how to distance herself from trivial matters such as feelings.
I absolutely love the starting. It perfectly captures Pryce’s thoughts about Lorelei, as well as explains to the reader about how he believes an expert in the Ice-type should be. Cold, unfeeling etc. I like what you’re trying to drive to the audience here, we can also feel that this statement hints that probably something will happen between the mentor and his pupil later on in the story. Continue to keep this small (but significant) hints in your writings, its a beautiful style.
Lorelei, beautifully unsympathetic and expressionless, would make a fine mind ruffian, wrenching spirits as she passed by and never picking up the pieces they’d leave.
She once almost felt remorseful.
I'm not very sure, but this
could be a wrong way to phrase the statement (I'll have to look that up and edit this post/post again later to explain why). I believe it should be 'Lorelei, beautifully unsympathetic and expressionless, would make a fine mind ruffian.
She wrenched spirits as she passed by, never picking up the pieces they'd leave.'
I like how you’ve managed to fit Lorelei’s cold personality into a few sentences, but also giving her that tiny, tiny hint of compassion, so that she doesn’t seem too ice-like (that would be too unbelievable in some cases, because everyone still has a heart deep down). I’d also like to commend on how you do care to include descriptive phrases. This makes the story a lot more interesting to read.
She knows better than to express herself with actions.What she needs to put out, she writes and then burns the letters, flames in her icily blue eyes, and the heat unable to melt her own will of winning.
Ah, I think you should have broken up the sentence here. There are far too many commas, it makes the statement unnaturally long, especially with that last part there that I bolded.
This is, as he perfectly knows, a lie.
Short sentences with loads of personality/depth are the love <3
Hadn’t they been so questioning about the talent of their daughter, hadn’t they delivered her to him in a hope that it could alter the impending doom on this family, perhaps things hadn’t gone so bad.
The first two 'hadn't's are fine, this last one is out of place. I think a better word to use would be 'wouldn't have'.
She trains for fifteen years.She grows up to turn out a beautiful woman with a hair of fire and a heart of ice.
Lovely. Contrasting is always good.
And when she loses to some stupid boy with no training and no experience—he who hasn’t fought for survival on arctic ground
—her insides break and spill, and she falls on her knees, and throws up on the floor, unable to keep precious cold dignity.
The spark is gone.
Too many 'and's :x Maybe you could break up the sentence or try 'and she falls on her knees, throwing up on the floor'
Lorelei’s freezing glare remains stitched to the floor.
I like how you've totally fleshed Lorelei out to the reader within so little words. So far, we learn that she's proud, unsympathetic, unremorseful and the list goes on..
Lorelei curls up her sleeves, and stares absently at marks he’d left with his frostbite, deep pink contrasting against alabaster white.
Sorry, I don't get this sentence o.o;
And she closes the door on her biggest hero.
(And his gym is empty from that day on.)
Nice ending. The brackets are like some sort of extra-note that just finishes off the story nicely.
I like the approach of this story, on how Lorelei and Pryce could have been pupil and mentor respectively. Its very unique, and was beautifully written. Do take note of your sentence structure though! You use beautiful phrases and words, but sometimes, simple phrases can also have as much (or even more) impact to the reader, in comparison to bombastic vocabulary. The title is well-thought out too, instead of being something totally randomly decided. Anyway, I like your style of writing. There are very few mistakes as far as I can see, so I do look forward to reading any of your other fanfics in the future :3 (and the words are of capable reading size haha)