Adventures in the Silpron Regions

Started by Gordonator123 July 4th, 2009 2:02 PM
  • 930 views
  • 6 replies
Male
Somewhere.
Seen October 29th, 2013
Posted July 20th, 2010
51 posts
13.9 Years
Hey I'm Gordonator123, I'm going to try to make my fanfic, so I hope you like it. I also tried to make it better so here it is.

description:

Two twins, Jake and Samantha Summers, will get their first Pokémon today. Jake wants to become the Champion by beating all the Gym Leaders and Samantha wants to become the best coordinator. They will begin an adventure, meet Pokémon and friends along the way.

Chapter 1: the beginning of the start

"Let's go Samantha, we're going to be late for the starter catching contest!"

"I'm on it!" said Samantha trying to hurry up.

"What’s taking you so long."

"I have to comb my hair," said Samantha putting a white diadem on his long, brown hair.

"OK, but lets try to reach Honeyshrub Forest in time"

After waiting a few minutes for Samantha to finish combing her hair the twins cycled from their home, located in Rosebud town, to the nearby forest where the monthly starter catching contest was made.

''Hey Samantha we made it just in time." said Jake panting from all that cycling."

"Yeah, Professor Simon is going to talk now, lets go by that tree."

"Good day kids," said the Professor to all the other kids who were going to start their adventure today," today is the day you get your first Pokémon. My assistants and I released yesterday some Pokémon into the forest, why did I do that. You will all catch your starter with some Pokémon my assistants will loan you. Why do this, I can simply give all of you your first Pokémon without you having to capture it, but by doing this you learn to battle, you catch the starter you want, and the spare Pokémon that nobody captured will stay in the forest filling it with more Pokémon. Also you learn to use different Pokémon of different types since the Pokémon we will give you will be a random one. So lets begin, my assistants will loan you now all the temporary Pokémon that I mentioned earlier.

"Hey Samantha lets go so we can get the Pokémon the professor will give us!" said Jake excited.

"Right!" said Samantha also excited.

They went toward the tables where the assistants of Professor Simon where handling the Pokémon.

"Did you recieve the Pokémon that Professor Simon will loan to everyone?" said one of Professor Simon's assistants."No, “we replied quickly so he would give us our Pokémon."Alright, here are two Pokémon, one for you and one for you."The assistant handed us the Poke balls, we felt something we never felt before, it was a mix of responsibility with excitement.

"Hey Samantha now lets go into the forest so we can catch our starter," said Jake as if he was going to explode with excitement.

"Yeah, lets go before all the good Pokémon ran out!" said Samantha sarcastically. After laughing they went into the forest.

“Hey Jake lets leave the Pokémon the Professor gave us out!” said Samantha excitedly.

“OK, I even don’t know the Pokémon the professor loaned us,” so they both pressed the release button and left out the Pokémon. Jake’s Pokémon was a Monferno and Samantha’s Pokémon was an Azumarril.

“Hey they loaned us some really got Pokémon, “said Jake looking at the Pokémon with excitement. “Yeah now we have to catch ours, so lets keep looking.


“ Hey Samantha have seen any Pokémon yet? “ said Jake tired from searching.

“No...” said Samantha with a sad look on her face. Suddenly a bush began to move rapidly. “Hey Samantha there might be a Pokémon on that bush, order the Azumarril to attack!” “But I don’t know what attack he might know.””Well maybe he knows water gun, “said Jake with doubt. “Ok, then Azumarril use water gun!”Suddenly a scream with pain came out of the bush and a boy with blonde , spiky hair came out.“Ouuuuch, Who did that!” “Jake that was a person not a Pokémon!” said Samantha nervously.

“How was I supposed to know!”


“We’re so sorry, we thought you were a Pokémon!” said Samantha and Jake with embarrassment.

“Don’t worry it was just water blasted with pressure on my face!”said the boy sarcastically and they all laughed.

“So we haven’t introduced ourselves, I’m Jason, Jason Grismore, and you two.”

“I’m Jake Summers and this is my sister, Samantha Summers. “

“Well I better get going, like you I have a Pokémon to catch, maybe we will meet again soon!” said Jason walking into the green forest trees.

“We better try to find our Pokémon Jake.” “Right, lets keep going.”


They walked deeper into Honeyshrub Forest and found a big pond.


“Hey Samantha look at this cool pond!”

“Yeah, never knew it was here, hey lets split up I’ll explore the left side of the pond and you explore the other side of the pond,” said Samantha thinking it was a good idea to search for Pokémon. “Yeah, that way we can explore and maybe find more Pokémon!” said Jake also thinking it was a good idea. They split up and began searching.

“Hmm, if I were a Pokémon where would I be,” said Samantha questioning herself.She walked farther and spotted a green, round-like Pokémon drinking water by the ledge of the pond, it was a Budew.

“ Look at that Pokémon, now’s my chance!" She released the Azumarril and shouted the command, "Azumarril use water gun!”
The Budew was startled and fell, but quickly got up. The Budew used Razor Leaf at the Azumarril but missed.

“ Azumarril do another attack that you know!” said Samantha nervously because it was her first battle. The Azumarril ran up to the Budew and used Double Edge and knocked out the Budew.Samantha then threw the pokeball and captured it.


“I did it? I did it!” shouted Samantha like crazy in the forest, Jake heard the scream and ran to where her sister was.

“Samantha what happened?!” asked Jake looking at her sister that was running in circles like crazy.

“I caught my first Pokémon!” said Samantha really excited. “ You did, awesome! Now yo have to help me get mine, also what Pokémon did you catch? ”


“A budew! One it will evolve into a Roserade! ” said Samantha.

“Nice! At least you have a Pokémon I haven’t even seen one...” said Jake with a sad look on his face.

“Don’t worry I’ll help you, let’s go find your Pokémon!”said Said Samantha trying to cheer up her brother.” OK, lets go.” She withdrew the Azumarril, they left the pond and entered to another part of the forest.

“Have you seen anything Samantha?”

“Nope, not yet.” Said Samantha looking everywhere, then an idea occurred to Samantha, “Hey Jake, what if we split up again, this time if I see a Pokémon I’ll tell you.”
Thinking that it was a good idea they split up.


This time Jake had the luck to find a Pokémon, it was a small blue dog-like Pokémon sleeping on the top of a rock, it was a Shinx. Jake released the Monferno and gave an order before the Shinx woke up.


“What attack would Monferno know? Oh Monferno use Fury Swipes!”The Monferno Ran to the Shinx ho woke up when the trainer said the command.
The attack was successful, but the Shinx still did not give up; the Shinx covered itself in electricity and ran against Monferno, it was a strong spark attack which landed and made some damage on the Monferno. The Monferno continued using Fury Swipes and the Shinx continued using Spark. They were both about to faint, but neither gave up.

“Maybe the Monferno knows Flame Wheel, like the one in T.V.” so he shouted the command, “Monferno use Flame Wheel!” and so he did the Monferno used Flame Wheel and since he was already weak the Blaze ability activated, the hit did not miss, thus knocking out the Pokémon. Jake threw the Pokeball and caught the Shinx. He started jumping, running in circles, and shouting like her sister.Her sister heard her shout and ran to him.

Seeing the expressions he made were similar to hers she knew what happened and asked “ You caught a Pokémon didn’t you”

“Yeah! How did you know?”

“Just guessed, by the way, what did you catch?”

“A Shinx!”

“Nice! So do you think Jason has caught a Pokémon yet?” asked Samantha.”I don’t know maybe, so what do you say, I’m hungry, lets get out of the forest.”

“Ok, I’m hungry too!”

And so they caught their Pokémon and where on their way to exit the forest.

Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 28
He/They
Nimbasa Gym
Seen October 3rd, 2022
Posted September 27th, 2022
3,488 posts
14.3 Years
First off, you flip awkwardly between poorly written script format and equally poor narration. The forum rules say that scripts have to be written with more than just dialogue. That includes stage direction etc. I hope that's what you're trying to do with your narration, but I'm not sure.

Your dialogue is awkward and badly punctuated. This paragraph-
Yaaaaaaaay after so much waiting I will finally get my first Pokémon, which one would I want, maybe a happiny, he is strong and adorable, not to mention that it will grow into a tough Blissey, or a Pachirisu which is tough and super cute, I hope my stupid brother can only catch something weak so I can see the look on his face when he sees it!!!!Oooh well I should go to sleep so I can have energy for tomorrow.
Samantha-Hey Jake wake up!!!!It’s ten o’ clock, we’re going to be late !!!
Jake-Ooooooh I’m sleeping, can’t you see!!!!!
Samantha-Oooooooh look a legendary Pokémon!!!
Jake-Where!!!!
Samantha-Glad to see your up now go get dressed we must hurry!!!
Jake-Oooh right the contest might start!!!
was nothing but a string of triple exclamation marks, which is not good at all. Only use one, unless you want to risk looking like a third-grader. I have never read a book with more than one punctuation mark at the end of a sentence, barring '. . .' and the occasional '!?'.

Your description-
The boy looked in the mirror combing his spiky brown hair and after that putted on a black cap with red and white stripes in the middle, he wore a black and red shirt with a pokeball logo on the side. Her sister also combed her long brown hair wearing a white diadem, she had a blue and white shirt also with a pokeball logo on the side. She had a blue mini skirt and was always in the latest fashion.
is simply a list of attributes. NO. No, no, no, no and no. This makes your story look clumsy and n00bish (pardon the 1337speak). Write your description into the narration, or if you insist on doing it like this, at least narrow it down to a couple of details. I don't want to sit and read a great big paragraph of 'he had x-coloured y and wore a a-coloured b' etc.

Your narration-
Ooooooh I’m so excited, I hope I get the strongest Pokémon that professor Simon releases into the woods, like a larvitar, it will one day turn into a super cool Tyranitar or a Mudkip, it will one day turn into a Swampert, not like my sister who wants a cute Pokémon, I hope she can only catch a Caterpie or something that she doesn’t want hahahaha, oh well better go to sleep or else I might be tired tomorrow.
is an abysmal mess of runon sentences. The above example should be split into at least four sentences, by my rough count. Use punctuation, and not just an endless string of commas. Put a comma where there is a pause, a semicolon for a slightly longer pause (these are difficult, and have special rules governing them; be careful), and a period for an even longer one. Your dialogue is also full of this.

Now, for the good things. The idea of releasing Pokemon into a designated area and loaning Trainers a Pokemon to catch them with is a novel idea, but perhaps it could have been explained a bit better.

In short, the idea is good but the execution is not. I suggest rewriting this in narrative format; scripts are best left to experienced writers. Be safe, think positive, and don't eat yellow snow!
Star Performer
~latest chapter: 11~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Champion's Legacy
~on hiatus~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
New Game
~the classic~
Male
Somewhere.
Seen October 29th, 2013
Posted July 20th, 2010
51 posts
13.9 Years
First off, you flip awkwardly between poorly written script format and equally poor narration. The forum rules say that scripts have to be written with more than just dialogue. That includes stage direction etc. I hope that's what you're trying to do with your narration, but I'm not sure.

Your dialogue is awkward and badly punctuated. This paragraph-


was nothing but a string of triple exclamation marks, which is not good at all. Only use one, unless you want to risk looking like a third-grader. I have never read a book with more than one punctuation mark at the end of a sentence, barring '. . .' and the occasional '!?'.

Your description-


is simply a list of attributes. NO. No, no, no, no and no. This makes your story look clumsy and n00bish (pardon the 1337speak). Write your description into the narration, or if you insist on doing it like this, at least narrow it down to a couple of details. I don't want to sit and read a great big paragraph of 'he had x-coloured y and wore a a-coloured b' etc.

Your narration-


is an abysmal mess of runon sentences. The above example should be split into at least four sentences, by my rough count. Use punctuation, and not just an endless string of commas. Put a comma where there is a pause, a semicolon for a slightly longer pause (these are difficult, and have special rules governing them; be careful), and a period for an even longer one. Your dialogue is also full of this.

Now, for the good things. The idea of releasing Pokemon into a designated area and loaning Trainers a Pokemon to catch them with is a novel idea, but perhaps it could have been explained a bit better.

In short, the idea is good but the execution is not. I suggest rewriting this in narrative format; scripts are best left to experienced writers. Be safe, think positive, and don't eat yellow snow!
Thanks for correcting me, I will try to make it better, but was the story good for now.(Overlooking my errors)

Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 28
He/They
Nimbasa Gym
Seen October 3rd, 2022
Posted September 27th, 2022
3,488 posts
14.3 Years
I can't overlook your errors. I'm like that. You ask me if it's good now? I'm afraid I have to answer with an honest, brutal 'no'. I told you what I liked about it already.
Star Performer
~latest chapter: 11~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Champion's Legacy
~on hiatus~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
New Game
~the classic~

Citrinin

Nephrotoxic.

Age 26
Male
New Zealand
Seen August 2nd, 2010
Posted July 19th, 2010
2,778 posts
13.9 Years
Overlooking your grammatical errors (which you really should fix), I can comment on your story. There is nothing really gripping about your story. You've chosen to do an OT (Original Trainer) fic, which means you need a lot of experience to make your plot gripping. This means your only real option is to make your characters interesting, and they are the common stereotype of bickering siblings. Now, you can keep this, as there's a reason siblings stereotypically don't get along (because they often don't), but one, or both of Jake and Samantha should have some really interesting or quirky elements that basically says to the reader: "You are going to enjoy watching our adventures."

I would suggest that before you do Chapter 2, you redo Chapter 1.

Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 28
He/They
Nimbasa Gym
Seen October 3rd, 2022
Posted September 27th, 2022
3,488 posts
14.3 Years
Overlooking your grammatical errors (which you really should fix), I can comment on your story. There is nothing really gripping about your story. You've chosen to do an OT (Original Trainer) fic, which means you need a lot of experience to make your plot gripping. This means your only real option is to make your characters interesting, and they are the common stereotype of bickering siblings. Now, you can keep this, as there's a reason siblings stereotypically don't get along (because they often don't), but one, or both of Jake and Samantha should have some really interesting or quirky elements that basically says to the reader: "You are going to enjoy watching our adventures."

I would suggest that before you do Chapter 2, you redo Chapter 1.
^This.

I am actually in the process of writing a chaptered OT fic with a twin brother and sister as protagonists. My two, however, have a very different relationship. They don't bicker or squabble; they get along perfectly. This may seem Sue/Stu-ish, but the key difference is that each has a very unique and different personality that brings something else to the relationship. The only visible difference between your characters, however, is that Samantha is a bit of a girly-girl, which is fairly understandable. But you haven't given us much else to go on.
Star Performer
~latest chapter: 11~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Champion's Legacy
~on hiatus~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
New Game
~the classic~

Miz en Scène

Everybody's connected

Male
The Wired
Seen 2 Days Ago
Posted August 30th, 2016
1,645 posts
14.7 Years
I hope you know what you're doing writing an OT fic. An OT fic is technically viewed as cliche so most people don't bother to read a few paragraphs of it. Furthermore, are you sure you're up to it. Do you even know how long an OT fic takes.

I'm not discouraging you for writing but I'm just stating the obvious. I hope you do continue writing though I'm not sure much will come out of it if you keep writing like this (or on this fic). If you're still intent on finishing this, I suggest you go to the writer's lounge and search for Thesis's OT Fic Guide:What not to Include-By Scarlet Weather.

That thing lists down and explains almost everything you need to know about cliches in OT fics.

Well, uh good luck regardless...
» Fiction «
Havisham
SWC 2011
» Fanfiction «
The Rainbow Chasers
SWC 2016 (1st Place)
——
The Promise I Made to You
SWC 2012 (2nd Place)
——
The Best
Pokecreepypasta Entry 2010
——
Using Firefox and see a scrollbar?
Tell me so I can fix it! (Hopefully)
» TBD «

Want a fanfic review?
Just ask me!

Got a review from me?
Pay it forward!
Drop a comment or a review on someone else's fic. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!