Pokemon World war

Started by dark_giratina July 5th, 2009 3:32 AM
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  • 8 replies
Age 28
Male
Raccoon city
Seen August 31st, 2013
Posted August 31st, 2013
150 posts
13.9 Years
This is my first pokemon fiction so dont critisize too harshly.Oh i wrote this in the space of an hour and will be doing more detailed chapters as this is only a prologue
The Pokemon World War

Prologue

“I have called you here today, to talk about the uprising hostilities with the Sinnoh region”
The speaker was General Surge, leader of the Kantonian army and spokesperson for the people of Kanto.

He was addressing a group of middle aged men and women, who were of course the council of Kanto.

“Now ever since the events of Mt Coronet and Cyrus, the Sinnoh region has become more and more uptight and hostile than ever before”

“We should attack them while we still have the chance”, said one of the council members.
He was by far the youngest of them all and very hotheaded ,and his name was Simply Nova

“Now, now Nova, we don’t want to be classed as Barbarians do we?”, replied Surge, tickling his beloved and oldest partner, Raichu, under the chin where he liked it best.

“Well, what are we supposed to do, sit here and wait for them to come and get us?!” shouted another council member.

“That is exactly what were going to do” replied Surge.

A strange ripple went through the council members.

“He`s insane”

“We should take him off the council”, whispered another

“No, I am not insane” Surge proclaimed. “We put our armies up to DEFCON 1,recruit as much fresh talent as we can and when they attack, we repel them swiftly and efficiently, then put an end to this war before it has even started!!!”

A huge explosion sent them unexpectedly flying through the air. Dust shook from the ceiling and screams could be heard outside.

“What the hell was that?! ” Surge shouted.

They all ran outside to see a lone figure there with her six Pokemon viciously attacking any passers by.

It was Cynthia

“Well, hello there councilors” Cynthia said calmly “We people of Sinnoh have known about your plans for weeks now, and as we speak thousands of the finest Sinnoh Pokemon soldiers are making their way here to destroy what little your pathetic region has left”

“Raichu, Thunder” Surge shouted

“Milotic, deflect it with protect”

Milotic detached itself from an old couple, which it had been in the process of crushing. It erected a powerful shield of Green light, and the attack faded into nothingness.
It then turned its tail to iron and lunged at the Raichu, but Raichu dodged it with agility and countered with Focus punch, leaving a nasty bruise in Milotics side.

“Interesting, but you cannot defeat me” Cynthia proclaimed. “As much as I would love to destroy you right now, I have bigger fish to fry,An emergency alliance meeting with Hoenn has been set up, and Johto is a lost cause, everyone knows their allegience lies with you.In the end, both your regions will fall. Milotic, Flash!”

There was a blinding light and when they could all se again Cynthia and her Pokemon were gone. Surge was screaming at any councilor that would listen

“Set up an emergency meeting with Johto, prepare all of our soldiers, prepare for war!!”
It took Jesus 3 days to respawn,talk about lag!!!

Citrinin

Nephrotoxic.

Age 26
Male
New Zealand
Seen August 2nd, 2010
Posted July 19th, 2010
2,778 posts
13.9 Years
“now now Nova, we don’t want to be classed as Barbarians do we?”, replied Surge, tickling his beloved and oldest partner, Raichu, under the chin where he liked it best.
"now now " should become "Now now " (or "Now, now, ")

You lack some punctuation at the end of the dialogue in quite a few places, like here:
“Hes insane”
(in which "Hes" should be "He's", by the way.)

We put our armies up to defcon 1,recruit
"defcon 1,recruit" should be "DEFCON 1, recruit".

They all ran outside to see a lone figure there with her six Pokemon viciously attacking any passers by.
It was Cynthia
"It was Cynthia" should be "It was Cynthia." For maximum effect, there should be a blank line between these two sentences.

you can have Johto, they’re so weak and pitiful. Milotic, Flash!
This is just bad military strategy. Johto is poised perfectly to attack Kanto, and Cynthia seems to be alienating them for no valid reason. Also, this massive change in personality does violate canon, unless you have a good explanation cooked up for it later.

If you wish to set up the story so it's Kanto and Johto vs. Hoenn and Sinnoh, that's fine, but you need a better reason than it's too weak. For example, Kanto and Johto being close allies.

In summary, the grammar does need a workover. As far as the story goes, I think the threat of Sinnoh should have been developed more. It is unlikely that Surge's only thing to say was that they've got uptight in hostile. In rhetoric, you provide examples, however stretched, to get people on your side. Surge could have provided examples of events and acts that show how they become a threat, specifically to Kanto or to one of its allies. This has potential, but the ideas need to be developed more.

Hope I helped. :)
~

Miz en Scène

Everybody's connected

Male
The Wired
Seen 2 Days Ago
Posted August 30th, 2016
1,645 posts
14.7 Years
This is awesome, I've had this same concept mulling about in my brain for a while too. I just couldn't get started due to other obligations to other fics *points to Sig*.

A few nitpicks about your writing though,

“Hes insane”
'He's insane' it should be. Apostrophe and s to signify He is, hmmm.

Why am I talking like Yoda?

Oh well, why didn't Cynthia kill them all there, Milotic has hyper beam, no?

Edit: Posted at almost the same time Citrinin so review is partially similar...
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Age 28
Male
Raccoon city
Seen August 31st, 2013
Posted August 31st, 2013
150 posts
13.9 Years
“Staravia, quick attack”

“Chimchar, dodge it”

The Lieutenants Staravia missed its target as another young private, Zach Brody, sought to finish his army training and enter the front lines

“Chimchar, flame wheel”

The fiery monkey spun itself into a ball of fire and hurled itself at Staravia, hitting it square in the chest

“Direct hit” Zach exclaimed

Staravia rose in the air, hurt but eager to continue.

“Wing attack”

Staravia spread its wings and flew at chimchar, but Zach was ready.

“Grab its wings and use focus punch”

Chimchar launched itself into the air and grabbed onto Staravias wing. It then raised its fist and slammed it into Staravias face. Staravia fell to the ground, dazed.

“Chimchar, finish this. Use Flamethrower”

A torrent of fire streamed from its mouth and engulfed Staravia. It slumped to the ground unconscious, smoke streaming from its wings.

“Well done Zack, but remember the Sinnoh and Hoenn army has trained their Pokemon to kill, as have we”, said Lieutenant Pryce as he returned his unconscious Pokemon to its rightful ball.

“I know Sir, I won’t forget it” replied Zack

Zack is 18 years old, standing at a firm 6 feet with rippling muscles all over his body. He is dark skinned and, surprisingly, has light blue eyes. His hair is jet black, and like most other army members, cut brutally short.

“We have already assigned you a squad, named Echo five” Pryce said “They are waiting at base camp 12 on the other side of route 14.To get there will be a fitting challenge for a young private, and when you’re there, ask for Luma.

“Luma, sir?”

“Yes Luma is the leader of Echo five, a captain. He will assign you your codename for the rest of your army life, because as you know, keeping your own name is a fatal mistake. You have 24 hours to reach base camp 12 Now get to it soldier!”



“Altair…No that just sounds stupid. Phoenix, no too cheesy. Hmm, what could my codename be” mused Zack aloud as he wandered through the forest that lead to base camp 12.

“This must be one of the only places in Kanto not ravaged by the war, its so awesome” thought Zach

“Stop there, and prepare to die”

A voice brought Zack out of his reverie, and Goosebumps ran down his spine. In front of him was a soldier wearing a pale blue uniform with 2 horizontal lines running across his uniform and a cross through them. The uniform of a Sinnoh soldier. Not only that, his sign was one of a Lieutenant, so he was experienced

“How did he end up here?”

As If able to read his mind, the Lieutenant mumbled almost shamefacedly. “I was separated from my squad” .He perked up immediately. “No matter, at least I’ve found another Kantonian scumbag to kill. Ambipom, go” he shouted unleashing an angry looking purple monkey with two tails ending in fists

“Chimchar, use flamethrower”

However, Ambipom dodged this torrent of Fire and used focus punch with both its tail hands. Chimchar tried to dodge but wasn’t quick enough as one of its tails connected with Chimchars belly and he was sent spiraling into one of the nearby trees. It had hurt Chimchar badly, and Zack didn’t know how much longer Chimchar could carry on for.

“Give up now , and I promise your death will be swift” smirked the Lieutenant

“Never”, cried Zach

But the situation seemed hopeless. Ambipom was so much faster and stronger than Chimchar, not to mention more experienced.

A sudden flashback echoed in Zacks head. It was the voice of Lieutenant Pryce on his first week of training. “Always use the surroundings to the best of your advantage”

“Chimchar, light the ring of trees around Ambipom on fire”, shouted Zack, and before Ambipom or the Lieutenant could act, Ambipom was surrounded by fire and intense heat.

It never stood a chance

In its death throes it tried desperately to jump over the falling trees, but landed in one and became entangled in its branches.

“Anyone fancy a barbeque” Zack laughed

The Lieutenant sunk to the ground, speechless with remorse for his Ambipom.

Zack suddenly stop laughing

“Could I really take this guys life, even though he was going to take mine” mused Zack

“Chimchar, fury swipes on his neck”

Zack watched as his Chimchar descended on his helpless victim and cut his throat”

“That was easier than I thought”
It took Jesus 3 days to respawn,talk about lag!!!

Citrinin

Nephrotoxic.

Age 26
Male
New Zealand
Seen August 2nd, 2010
Posted July 19th, 2010
2,778 posts
13.9 Years
Grammatically, it suffers from a lot of the same problems in the prologue - namely, you're often forgetting to put punctuation (i.e. full stops/periods) at the ends of sentences.

I would like to compliment you on your description, which has improved markedly since the prologue. To improve this further, I suggest using colours to show, rather than tell. You don't have to do this with everything (otherwise it gets repetitive), but an example of how this could be done is as below:

The fiery monkey spun itself into a ball of fire and hurled itself at Staravia, hitting it square in the chest
Could become The fiery monkey whipped in the air, became a blur of orange and red, and hurled itself at Staravia's chest. You don't actually say that he's whipping up a wheel of fire around him, but you give enough so that your readers can easily infer it.

Also, a nice dark ending to the protagonist.

All in all, a definite improvement from the prologue. :)
~
Age 28
Male
Raccoon city
Seen August 31st, 2013
Posted August 31st, 2013
150 posts
13.9 Years


Could become The fiery monkey whipped in the air, became a blur of orange and red, and hurled itself at Staravia's chest.

Also, a nice dark ending to the protagonist.

:)
Thanks for showing me what it could become so I can change it in the future.Yeah, this isnt the world of pokemon that everyone is used to, its quite dark:)
It took Jesus 3 days to respawn,talk about lag!!!

Age 28
Male
Raccoon city
Seen August 31st, 2013
Posted August 31st, 2013
150 posts
13.9 Years
Hey, after a bit of thinking, ive decided to stop writing the pokemon world war fanfic.This is due too the fact that im quite inexperienced, and would like to read and criticize a few others before writing my own.Thanks to those that actually did read and comment on it!!:)
It took Jesus 3 days to respawn,talk about lag!!!

Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 28
He/They
Nimbasa Gym
Seen October 3rd, 2022
Posted September 27th, 2022
3,488 posts
14.3 Years
Hey, after a bit of thinking, ive decided to stop writing the pokemon world war fanfic.This is due too the fact that im quite inexperienced, and would like to read and criticize a few others before writing my own.Thanks to those that actually did read and comment on it!!:)
Perhaps you should ask Astinus to lock this for you, then.
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