I'm In Love

Started by s l u g July 6th, 2009 11:18 AM
  • 823 views
  • 6 replies

s l u g

arriving somewhere but not here,

Age 30
Male
Seen January 2nd, 2023
Posted September 25th, 2017
961 posts
15.4 Years
Before I sleep I think of you
When I wake I think of you
All I can think about is how much
I truely do love you

Each & every day
I only think of you
At night when I pray
I pray only just for you

And I will always love you
No matter what they say
Remember I am here for you
Each & every day

And if Tomorrow Never Comes
I Know That You Are Mine
Our Love Is Eternal
And ever through all time ..
Age 29
Female
Bloody Hell
Seen July 8th, 2009
Posted July 7th, 2009
40 posts
13.9 Years
It's pretty good. And it's meaningful too. But some suggestions i should give you. Whats with the line " When i wake i think of you ". You should've put " When i wake up i always think of you ". But still think of you is doubled. But still it's your own decision. How about. Everytime i sleep i always dreamed of you. Something like that. And the line " At night when i pray.i pray only just for you " You should've put it Every night when i pray. I pray for the ones i love and your one of them ". But i'm not pretty sure if it's correct. But still it's pretty good. And i like it. Keep up the good-work and i hope you'll improve. i also hope to see more of your poems.

Akiko.

seeker

Ireland
Seen November 1st, 2019
Posted May 20th, 2018
10,593 posts
14.1 Years
First i will Review the poem verse by verse then as a whole.

Verse 1


Before I sleep I think of you
When I wake I think of you
All I can think about is how much
I truely do love you

Okay the opening line doesn't sound good for an opening line as you are saying you are about to go to sleep before the poem starts. I would swap your first 2 lines around. Your opening phrase is slightly typical of a love poem especially for teens etc. But it's a safe introduction just don't be afraid to go beyond what initially enters your mind. The opening lines of a poem often pave the way for the receeding verses. Anyways a safe bet for your first 2 lines. meh i know what you were going for here but the problem is you said you at the end of 3/4 lines. So the rhyming goes out the window. If you changed the enitial two lines to something to fit better with the last two. Somthing off the top of my head, you could use Such at the end of the first line to match up with line 3 and say something like 'Nobody fills my mind like the way you do' for line 2 to match up with line 3 & 4. Not a bad first verse, just needs a little polish.

Verse 2


Each & every day
I only think of you
At night when I pray
I pray only just for you

I found a slight bit of repition from the first verse here. You ended a verse with you rhyming with itself
which never goes well going into the next verse. Try not to rhyme you with you. If it's what you are trying to do just don't end a verse with it. The ryhming of pray and day is fine but when i read this aloud it gets a little difficult to comprehend. What i mean is when i read it aloud it doesn't feel right. Mainly because in line two you put only as the second word then in the last line you expect to hear the same and when you hear only is moved it doesn't roll off the tongue. Try reading this one aloud. Otherwise it's fine :)

Verse 3


And I will always love you
No matter what they say
Remember I am here for you
Each & every day

This is where things start to pick up. I have nothing to complain anout really! Just change & to and. It just looks better in poetry. And the only other thing i am iffy with is when you started the verse with the word "And", it's almost like starting a scentence with "Because" try to avoid that. You could try putting in "know I will always love you" Or "Know that i will always love you" it reads better and sounds a little more personal and personal is what you want to be when it comes to love poems. Good job with this verse.

Verse 4


And if Tomorrow Never Comes
I Know That You Are Mine
Our Love Is Eternal
And ever through all time ..

Again avoid using and at the begining of a verse. Also why did you start typing ech word with a capital? Anyway This verse is your second best. It loses out due to the 2 ands you used. The last line sorta baffles me because it doesn't make complete sense. "Our love is eternal and ever through time" read that back to yourself and just change the wording. But never the less this was a good verse just needing some polishing.

Overall rating


Before I sleep I think of you
When I wake I think of you
All I can think about is how much
I truely do love you

Each & every day
I only think of you
At night when I pray
I pray only just for you

And I will always love you
No matter what they say
Remember I am here for you
Each & every day

And if Tomorrow Never Comes
I Know That You Are Mine
Our Love Is Eternal
And ever through all time ..


Okay i read back the poem to myself and i think if you just made those small changes it would be very good. Some of your lines are great just try to be a little more original. You do however show talent. If ou keep practicing you will perfect your style. The poem has some sharp rhymes but you should try using some other techniques too. If i were to refer you to a website it would be this, Www.Poemhunter.com . It os my personal host and you will find some great influences in there!
Keep up the good work! Keep practicing and work on some of the aformentioned.
7/10 for concept and ideas.
A small town ^^
Seen February 22nd, 2015
Posted October 26th, 2010
252 posts
15.2 Years
What beautiful words you write there! It made me remember when I was in love, and all I felt back there was esactly what you wrote.
I wish u luck with your lady (or guy I dunno) !!

9/10

Non-Pokemon Writings:
I Desire..
Blue and Green
Title-less

Pokemon Writings:
Green Everlasting (OneShot)
My First Fic: The Rivalry






..:: The Poetry does not belong to its creator, but the one who needs it ::..

s l u g

arriving somewhere but not here,

Age 30
Male
Seen January 2nd, 2023
Posted September 25th, 2017
961 posts
15.4 Years
First i will Review the poem verse by verse then as a whole.

Verse 1


Before I sleep I think of you
When I wake I think of you
All I can think about is how much
I truely do love you

Okay the opening line doesn't sound good for an opening line as you are saying you are about to go to sleep before the poem starts. I would swap your first 2 lines around. Your opening phrase is slightly typical of a love poem especially for teens etc. But it's a safe introduction just don't be afraid to go beyond what initially enters your mind. The opening lines of a poem often pave the way for the receeding verses. Anyways a safe bet for your first 2 lines. meh i know what you were going for here but the problem is you said you at the end of 3/4 lines. So the rhyming goes out the window. If you changed the enitial two lines to something to fit better with the last two. Somthing off the top of my head, you could use Such at the end of the first line to match up with line 3 and say something like 'Nobody fills my mind like the way you do' for line 2 to match up with line 3 & 4. Not a bad first verse, just needs a little polish.

Verse 2


Each & every day
I only think of you
At night when I pray
I pray only just for you

I found a slight bit of repition from the first verse here. You ended a verse with you rhyming with itself
which never goes well going into the next verse. Try not to rhyme you with you. If it's what you are trying to do just don't end a verse with it. The ryhming of pray and day is fine but when i read this aloud it gets a little difficult to comprehend. What i mean is when i read it aloud it doesn't feel right. Mainly because in line two you put only as the second word then in the last line you expect to hear the same and when you hear only is moved it doesn't roll off the tongue. Try reading this one aloud. Otherwise it's fine :)

Verse 3


And I will always love you
No matter what they say
Remember I am here for you
Each & every day

This is where things start to pick up. I have nothing to complain anout really! Just change & to and. It just looks better in poetry. And the only other thing i am iffy with is when you started the verse with the word "And", it's almost like starting a scentence with "Because" try to avoid that. You could try putting in "know I will always love you" Or "Know that i will always love you" it reads better and sounds a little more personal and personal is what you want to be when it comes to love poems. Good job with this verse.

Verse 4


And if Tomorrow Never Comes
I Know That You Are Mine
Our Love Is Eternal
And ever through all time ..

Again avoid using and at the begining of a verse. Also why did you start typing ech word with a capital? Anyway This verse is your second best. It loses out due to the 2 ands you used. The last line sorta baffles me because it doesn't make complete sense. "Our love is eternal and ever through time" read that back to yourself and just change the wording. But never the less this was a good verse just needing some polishing.

Overall rating


Before I sleep I think of you
When I wake I think of you
All I can think about is how much
I truely do love you

Each & every day
I only think of you
At night when I pray
I pray only just for you

And I will always love you
No matter what they say
Remember I am here for you
Each & every day

And if Tomorrow Never Comes
I Know That You Are Mine
Our Love Is Eternal
And ever through all time ..


Okay i read back the poem to myself and i think if you just made those small changes it would be very good. Some of your lines are great just try to be a little more original. You do however show talent. If ou keep practicing you will perfect your style. The poem has some sharp rhymes but you should try using some other techniques too. If i were to refer you to a website it would be this, Www.Poemhunter.com . It os my personal host and you will find some great influences in there!
Keep up the good work! Keep practicing and work on some of the aformentioned.
7/10 for concept and ideas.
Oh my god! Oh my god!! Review's, and i plain even didn't bother to check this out, thanks for the in-depth review, but i won't change it now since this way other's can know of my mistakes too, thanks for taking out your time and pointing those mistakes, too think of it i'm like " Oh my god, why didn't i thought of this earlier..? I will do has you say, once again thanks for the review :)

What beautiful words you write there! It made me remember when I was in love, and all I felt back there was esactly what you wrote.
I wish u luck with your lady (or guy I dunno) !!

9/10
It's lady love, since i'm a guy ^^. Neverthless thanks for the comment :)