Tean Fusion

Started by Gordonator123 July 6th, 2009 2:10 PM
  • 1354 views
  • 5 replies
Male
Somewhere.
Seen October 29th, 2013
Posted July 20th, 2010
51 posts
13.9 Years
Hi, I'm gordonator, I've tried to make fanfics but they all didn't go well, so here's another one , hope you like it :)(please go easy on the rating)



*Prologue*

If you control Pokémon you control the world.That is my purpose...in life.

Pokémon are mysterious creatures that have unlimited power... but limited abilities...For example, Fire Pokémon can burn a whole city, but water Pokémon put their power down. The cycle continues for water Pokémon, water Pokémon can flood the land, but electric types weaken them. Everything has its weakness, or as I call it, limitation. But what if there was a Pokémon that nothing could weaken its power...

I have spent years studying Mew, Eevee, and Ditto...They are perfection uncompleted; they have limitations to their powers but have some ofthat true power.

Mew can transform into any Pokémon and learn any move of any type.

Eevee is a Normal type but exposed to certain things he can transform into seven different types enabling him to adapt to different environments.

Ditto has a DNA that enables him to transform into anything he wants to copy, in his blood is a gene that has every gene in the world.

Imagine combining all of those things, Mew’s transformation power and his ability to learn any move, Eevee’s power to adapt to different environments, and Ditto’s DNA that contains every other DNA in the world. Combine all of that and you have pure power... perfection.


“I, Adam Graymore, will achieve perfection.”

Citrinin

Nephrotoxic.

Age 26
Male
New Zealand
Seen August 2nd, 2010
Posted July 19th, 2010
2,778 posts
13.9 Years
Just a note on punctuation, the end-quote only goes on the end paragraph. Essentially - it's a start-quote at the beginning of every paragraph, and an end-quote at the end of the last one.

You've managed to create a good air of suspense for your story, and introduced a potentially very effective character. Unfortunately, as the prologue is so short, there isn't much to comment on. But I do look forward to reading more. :)
~
Age 30
Male
In my own personal after life.
Seen May 10th, 2017
Posted May 1st, 2010
67 posts
14.1 Years
Just a note on punctuation, the end-quote only goes on the end paragraph. Essentially - it's a start-quote at the beginning of every paragraph, and an end-quote at the end of the last one.

You've managed to create a good air of suspense for your story, and introduced a potentially very effective character. Unfortunately, as the prologue is so short, there isn't much to comment on. But I do look forward to reading more. :)
This, this, this. I agree with this.

Follow that rule and this story will be great. The concept is interesting, I never would have thought of seeing Mew, Eevee, and Ditto, in that fashion. Hope you don't repeat that grammatical error in later chapters or, put it bluntly, I won't read it. =D
Platinum FC: 2148-8178-2341
Possibly in a tree
Seen October 1st, 2015
Posted October 1st, 2015
161 posts
15.2 Years
As requested, here is my review.

I think the concept is very intriguing; however, I find it extremely hard to comment on the actual concept because of grammatical errors. Usually I'd go through and point out the grammatical errors and then discuss other review topics, but in this case, I think it would be easier for me to break it down line by line.

“Pokémon, some see them as friends, others as helpers, others as allies, but intelligent people see them as powerful tools. If you control Pokémon you control the world. That’s the purpose of Team Fusion, that is my purpose...in life.”
It should be: "If you control Pokemon, you control the world. That's the purpose of Team Fusion; that is my purpose...in life." You forgot a comma and should have used a semi-colon in the last sentence because if you notice, the two phrases you connected with a comma before could actually be separate sentences.

To be honest, I think this first line is a complete turn-off. It seems extremely cliche. In fact, I think the prologue would be more intriguing if you just scratched this line completely and started with "Pokemon are mysterious..." We don't need to know about Team Fusion because we learn about Adam Graymore.

“Pokémon are mysterious creatures that have unlimited power... but limited abilities...” “For example, Fire Pokémon can burn a whole city, but water Pokémon put their power down. Same thing for water Pokémon, water Pokémon can flood the land, but electric types weaken them. Everything has its weakness, or as I call it, limitation. But what if there was a Pokémon that nothing could weaken its power...”
What is with the quotation marks? I don't think anybody needs to be speaking. You can get rid of all of those, and then maybe this would all make more sense.

Same thing for water Pokémon, water Pokémon can flood the land, but electric types weaken them.
In general, I would avoid using the word "thing" as much as possible. In this instance, "thing" is very vague and makes Adam Graymore seem uneducated, which I do not believe you intended to imply.

“I have spent years studying Mew, Eevee, and Ditto...” “They are perfection uncompleted; they have limitations to their powers, but have some ofthat true power.
You need a space between "of" and "that." The comma after "powers" is unnecessary.

“Mew can transform into any Pokémon and learn any move of any type, because of his DNA.”
Technically, Mew is genderless.

Look, I could go on for a long time correcting minuscule mistakes. I really do not want to be mean, but before you start writing, you should have your English rules down pretty solid. I like your idea, but I don't think you have the most basic foundation to build off of- an understanding of the English language.

What I would recommend is to begin by reading. Read books (not just fanfics)! This will help you learn specific English rules and gain a greater vocabulary.

I also recommend continuing to write. Practice will eventually make perfect (or close enough, anyway). To become a better writer, start by writing something other than fanfic because us reviewers usually do not bother putting the time in to give a thorough review of your work. Unfortunate, but true. Even now, I know that I have skipped over many subjects I would like to talk to you. However, all of it would take too long to type! Show your writing to a teacher and let the teacher do his or her job- teach you!

In the meantime, while you are developing writing skills, plan your story. Thouroughly and systematically. Know what is going to happen in the end. Know how your characters are going to grow and change. Plan ahead now, while you have the chance because once you start writing, the story can get messy very quickly! Be organized!

Look, I really hope I was not too harsh. I want you to continue this story, but mostly, I'd like you to become a better writer. Work on that first!
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Male
Somewhere.
Seen October 29th, 2013
Posted July 20th, 2010
51 posts
13.9 Years
Chapter 1: The Desire.
“What is the current status, give me a full report?”


“The Type Fusion Mechanism or as we call it the T.F.M. is thirty-five percent completed. Our researchers are currently working in amplifying the machine’s power so we can have enough for inserting different types on a Pokémon. Our best researcher, Chris Nixon, wants to test the machine, we need your permission.”


“Why should I give you permission for operating something incomplete?”


“Well sir, there is a probability that...”


“After it is more completed I will give the order personally.”


“But sir...”


“Dismissed.”


I cannot even use something incomplete, it must work without flaws. With an incomplete machine I can’t achieve the perfection I have dreamed of since that day...


It was a rainy day in Hearthome City, there was a large thunderstorm that covered the sky, I was fourteen back then, I was awaiting the sun to come out so I could play Basketball with some friends outside. My Mother was in the Pokemart buying some Potions for her Ninetails. I looked sadly through the window at a large mountain whose peak couldn’t be seen because it pierced the clouds. I continued to gaze through the window and the more time I stared through the window the harder was for me to see because of the water drops covered my window. I still could see something through it so I continued watching the mountain. Suddenly I saw a white yet pink streak of light coming from the mountain, the clouds dispersed and the peak was visible. I saw seventeen hand-like things all with different colours disappear into what seemed like tablets of stones, the tablets turned in the colour of the hands and spread across the land. I was shocked of what I saw ,I never saw that kind of power .I went down stairs to see if my Mother had arrived to tell her. I suddenly looked through a window downstairs and I saw my Mother. She was outside in the rain crying over a body.She was not the only one, there were others bodies that laid on the floor. I ran outside to see what happened. My Father died .He had a hole in his chest; it seemed to be made by a beam. The beam I saw was the cause of my Father’s death .I will control that power; I will avenge my Father.


That day I saw power in the Pokémon and perfection in the plates.


I’m not interested in the Pokémon. Every Pokémon has its limitations, even if he is the one that created perfection; I only care about the plates. Those plates have the power of the type it beholds. If I have the all plates, I have power of all the types. That’s one step to achieve true power.