The Assasin (13+)

Started by Fish94 July 7th, 2009 11:30 AM
  • 654 views
  • 4 replies
Age 28
Male
Newcastle, England
Seen January 25th, 2023
Posted June 3rd, 2010
82 posts
14 Years
This is the first 2 paragraphs from a story I am currently writing, entitled "The Assasin" (Likely to change)

1
The man perched himself on a small patch of tiles at the top of the building.He had been following his target for 2 entire months, and for what; a ten second job for some easy money? "No" he thought to himself.He brushed a hand through his infinite black hair, feeling the sweat from the sheer anticipation of what he was about to do.

At the same time, the target sat inside a posh restaurant, enjoying a portion of cheesecake.His name was Teuril Mensuta, and he was a well respected businessman. Unfortunatley, Teuril tended to do as he willed, regardless of who he offended. Little did he know this meal would be his last, and as he exited the restaurant, the assasin's plan commenced.

The door to the restaurant swung open and the man who had been so calm instantly reacted. Standing, he proceeded to jump from the top of the building, snatching a small, slender H&K USP from his trouser pocket and shooting once. The bullet hit with perfect accuracy to the forehead.
Of the wrong man.
The assasin landed softly on the floor, distributing his weight. "Denzel Avens, I shoukd have known." Teuril said, his voice tainted with hatred. "What is your problem with me?" He asked, never breaking eye contact. Denzel found it hard to match this, but still spoke softly and calmly. "I know what you're doing Mensuta. I know all about your plans to bring back the Celands" Teuril glared at him. "What's your point?" He whispered after what felt like an eternity to Denzel. "The point is" Replied Denzel, raising his pistol "That you aren't going to see tomorrow."
Another bullet was fired, and the now silent and still corpse of Teuril Mensuta dropped to the floor.

2
Denzel was a man of skill, an expert in his field. It was no wonder then, that instead of sleeping that night, he stayed up wondering how he managed to miss Teuril from such close quaters. "It was just a bad shot" He reassured himself over and over, untill the sun finally began to splinter across the earth, and Denzel Avens was yet again to get up and see his boss.

Skipping breakfast, he proceeded to dress hurriedly, throwing on a brand new jacket and grabbing the nearest watch to him. He headed down to his sleek silver Audi R8, making sure he wasn't being watched or followed; in his line of work, it was particularly easy to make enemies, so Denzel was always cautious of his surroundings.

After 20 minutes of driving through some of the most covert routes Denzel had ever known, he reached his bosses headquaters, and as he rolled up quietly to the door, he could have sworn he saw a glimpse of someone run away into the nearby woods.
Someone or something.
Something familiar.
Snapping out of his daze, he swiftly moved to the door and knocked three times, slowly and exactly, always striking the same postition. The door swung open and a tall, bold, executive looking man stepped out and grabbed Denzel's hand, pulling him into the rather violent handshake Denzel had become accustomed to everytime he met this man. The man of course was his boss, A Mr O'Neil. Originally from ireland, he moved to London after the murder of his wife and children and began a business in assasination. Denzel had always been fond of Mr O'Neil. Everyone always expected him to be some crazy bloodthirsty man, but really he was just a human being with a terrible, corrupted past.
Finally releasing his grip, he looked at Denzel and said peacefully "Lets go for a walk.We need to talk"

Comments and Criticism welcome.
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Alex's PokePet

Pylon the level 55 Electivire!

Esper

California
Seen June 30th, 2018
Posted June 30th, 2018
I was confused for a while as to who shot who. Was the man on the roof the 'wrong man' and shot by Denzel (or, in other words, did you trick me into thinking the man on the roof was the assassin when the real assassin was aiming for him)? Was the wrong man an innocent bystander and Teuril the intended target (if so, why does Denzel need to talk to him if he was planning on killing him no questions asked)? I know the answer by part 2, but I kept going over part 1 thinking I'd missed something.

One question: are you going for a James Bond kind of feel here? If you are, that's fine, but would an assassin (someone who is supposed to be inconspicuous) drive fancy cars around that draw lots of attention? I suppose it could be a Bruce Wayne/Batman secret identity thing.

I like that you had a lot happen in a short time: some action, introducing characters and giving them a sense of identity (new jackets, watches and murdered families). Denzel seems kind of a caricature, though. It flows well. It has a good, quick pace (once I got past that initial confusion).

Some of the wording is bothering me. I'm not fond of "at the same time" and "little did he know" (a bit cliche if you ask me) and this line
The bullet hit with perfect accuracy to the forehead.
Why to the forehead? And what's with "his infinite black hair?"

You also have some run-on sentences you should go back and touch up.
Age 28
Male
Newcastle, England
Seen January 25th, 2023
Posted June 3rd, 2010
82 posts
14 Years
Denzel was the assasin on the roof, but when he tried to assasinate teuril originally he accidentally missed.
It was to the forehead because I orefer writing like that, and without it the sentence does not make sense; 'The bullet hit with perfect accuracy the forehead.'
Infinite black hair was just because I wanted something interesting to show his hair was so dark it was almost like a black hole
I support:

Alex's PokePet

Pylon the level 55 Electivire!
Age 28
Male
Newcastle, England
Seen January 25th, 2023
Posted June 3rd, 2010
82 posts
14 Years
Denzel was the assasin on the roof, but when he tried to assasinate teuril originally he accidentally missed. The man he shot at first was just a bystander. Teuril questioned Denzel what his problem was with him, and Denzel gave a quick reply and shot Teuril before he could make an escape.
It was to the forehead because I orefer writing like that, and without it the sentence does not make sense; 'The bullet hit with perfect accuracy the forehead.'
Infinite black hair was just because I wanted something interesting to show his hair was so dark it was almost like a black hole

I don't really know the 'feel' I'm going for- If I had to say, it would be a kind of ninja, creeping through the shadows and killing quietly and efficiently.
I support:

Alex's PokePet

Pylon the level 55 Electivire!

Esper

California
Seen June 30th, 2018
Posted June 30th, 2018
Denzel was the assasin on the roof
I got that. I was saying it was confusing because it's not clear what is actually happening in that part and you only know because several sentences later it tells you what happened.
It was to the forehead because I orefer writing like that, and without it the sentence does not make sense; 'The bullet hit with perfect accuracy the forehead.'
I was questioning your choice of preposition, not suggesting you remove it entirely. The phrase 'to the forehead' would make sense if the line was something like 'a shot to the forehead' (to being a preposition that indicates direction), but as it's worded I think using in (indicating location) is a better choice.
Infinite black hair was just because I wanted something interesting to show his hair was so dark it was almost like a black hole
If you want infinite to describe the color it should be in the form of an adverb (infinitely black) otherwise you're describing infinite hair which is black.

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear earlier.