Experiments [15+]

Started by Anxiety. July 8th, 2009 5:41 AM
  • 627 views
  • 4 replies

Anxiety.

Walking on sunshine.

Birmingham, England.
Seen February 5th, 2011
Posted June 16th, 2010
1,669 posts
15.6 Years
15+ for violence and foul language. Constructive Criticism please.


Chapter 1

Toby broke out into a cold sweat. Warm bloods trickled down his chin from the fresh wound, his hands were bound to the chair, a blindfold tied over his eyes, he wasn’t sure what was going on, but he feared for his life
“So” the voice made Toby jump “do you want to tell me? I can keep going” he felt the cold blade on his arm
“I... uh... I-I don’t k-know wh-what you’re on about” he opened his mouth to scream, but it came out as a yelp
“Shut up. You do know” he twisted the knife before sharply pulling it out, and pressing the tip onto his other arm “where is the experiment. It ran away on your watch, you let it out. Where is it?”
“F-fine, I-I’ll tell you!” he yelped
“Just like a dog” Toby shook at the reference
“I...” he panted heavily, blood dripping from his arm “I opened the cage... to... put food... in...” he gulped “and, it... attacked me... and ran off...” he felt the blunt force of bare knuckles strike his face
“Idiot!” he shouted “I told you to not feed him without backup around! Idiot!” he repeated the insult “we’ll never track him down! We don’t even know what he looks like now!”
“I...” a smile grew across Toby’s face “I know”
“You...” he was cut off by Toby’s fist, knocking him onto the floor
“Me” he grinned, picking up the discarded knife and driving it into the man’s chest, pulling it down his stomach, cutting his torso open, he removed his blindfold and looked around the room, other items used for torture were hung on the walls, some blood stained, some new. He grabbed the body, and pulled it close to his chest, taking on the form of the man he’d just killed. He looked in the mirror by the door, almost bald, in a blood covered suit, dark brown eyes; he would defiantly change from this form once he left, he cleaned some of the blood off; the stab wound had disappeared, and he left the room.
“Did you...?” a thin tall man asked
“He refused to answer my question. I had too” he smiled and walked towards the dead man’s office. As soon as he walked in he checked the name. ‘Michael Brown, founder of Experimental Facility 105’ he grinned, he had taken the right man’s body, he grabbed the microphone and spoke into it
“This is Michael Brown speaking. This is an emergency, experiment 652 has escaped. I repeat, experiment 652 has escaped, please move all experiments and personal to Experimental Facility 64. If you are unaware, 652 can take form of anyone; do not trust your colleges. The danger level is 10. Please evacuate immediately” he grinned, turning the microphone off and grabbing a jacket, zipping it to the top to cover the ‘652’ tattoo that had been imprinted on his neck for as long as he could remember. It felt strange walking through all the people who had tortured him in this facility, and them not giving him a second glance
“Sir” a younger employee ran over to him
“Yes?” he stopped and turned towards the small man
“I think I know who 652 is posing as” he pointed to another experiment, it was moving strangely, and had become more violent, he knew this because this experiment had been in the cell next to him for some time, and it was a rather docile creature
“... I see. Bring him over here, I’ll have a look. Continue to evacuate, I have this thing under control” the man nodded and ran off, Toby approached experiment 527 ‘Zack Simpson’. Every experiment had a real name, most likely one that the people here had given to it, as nothing here was born human
“Leave 527 to me. I would like to check something, please continue to evacuate” he looked at the two workers holding the cage, they did as they were told and left, Toby enjoyed this power, to make people do as he said without having to be violent. He grabbed the cage and leaned into it
“Wh-what do you want?!” Zack tried to sound strong and confident; Toby knew otherwise, he laughed
“It’s me Zack. Toby, 652” the taller creature stopped struggling against the bars and looked at him, Toby wasn’t sure what Zack could do, but he seemed to be looking through him
“652. How did you escape without being caught?” he seemed relived
“A little trick I had up my sleeve for a long time” he smiled and put his hand on Zack’s blonde hair “We’re escaping. Every experiment in here is going to be free, and we’re going to get these *****es back” he moved his hand out of the cage and pulled it along with him, until he was standing outside facility 64, he moved Zack’s cage around the back of the building before returning to the group, he sighed
“Okay, I’m going to go and explain the situation to Jacob, and see if we can bring some experiments in here” he walked in, looking around, this was set out the same way as facility 105, he knew exactly where to go. Once again, he was ignored by everyone, nobody cared that he was walking around; nobody tried to force him into a cage. He walked right up to Jacobs’s room without being stopped, and walked into it without an odd look.
“Jacob. My facility has had a breakout, is it okay if I move some experiments in here?” the man in the chair nodded
“Sure. Which experiment broke...” he was cut off by Toby’s nails dug into his neck, he ripped it open, killing him quickly, he threw the body out the window and jumped out after it, landing next to Zack’s cage, making him jump, he opened Zack’s cage and forced Jacobs body onto him, forcing him to change form
“Huh?” Zack looked at his hand, noticing it grow bigger and thicker “I didn’t know you could change the form of other people”
“Come with me” he grabbed his arm and pulled him along with him, he climbed up the wall, Zack clinging to his back. He climbed into the room again, and got Zack to make everyone leave before releasing all the experiments.
-[Inject Me]-
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Esper

California
Seen June 30th, 2018
Posted June 30th, 2018
My first impression is it does not flow well. Your Toby character grins and smiles too much, like he's playing a game he knows he is going to win. He gets away with things that I felt would be ridiculously difficult, like pulling a cage with a person in it through a building without anyone noticing. The group (I assume this means the employees or whatever they are) is nowhere to see this. I understand it all falls within the logic of the story, (they're evacuating, of course they don't see anything) but that logic is rather convenient for Toby, don't you think? I never felt like there was even a chance for him to get caught. And since the escape is the big dramatic focus of this chapter it ends up being, quite frankly, boring.

I'm not saying that he shouldn't get away with everything he does, but he shouldn't be doing it so effortlessly. Is he not weakened from being imprisoned? Where is the person who looks at him funny for just a moment and makes him worried that he might be found out?

Please, proofread before asking other people to critique your work. It's the least you can do. I'm referring to lines like this:
He walked right up to Jacobs’s room without being stopped, and walked into without being stopped
Please, please, please add all the necessary punctuation. Almost every single paragraph is missing a period or similar at the end. You also have a number of run-on sentences and some questions that don't end in question marks. And this needed to be formatted for the web with line breaks where there are normally indentations. All these technical bits made it hard to read through.

Anxiety.

Walking on sunshine.

Birmingham, England.
Seen February 5th, 2011
Posted June 16th, 2010
1,669 posts
15.6 Years
I can see what you mean. But, although it isn't said, his power includes physical strength.

Hm. For punctuation, I might want to look over that again.

And yes, he does smile and grin too much, because he thinks he's going to win. You've picked up on some of the things I was unsure of when reading through this myself.

Also, he is moving a cage around, so are other people, they are moving the other experiments, and he left slightly after everyone else, so he could sneak around them and take the cage to the back of the building.


EDIT: I did it when I was tired and stressed as well, so I missed out a few things when proof reading it. My bad, sorry.

EDIT: Yeah. Scratch most of that, I've come up with an idea to fix it. Also, I fixed the first chapter I think.
-[Inject Me]-
-

Anxiety.

Walking on sunshine.

Birmingham, England.
Seen February 5th, 2011
Posted June 16th, 2010
1,669 posts
15.6 Years
Chapter 2

He had escaped with Zack, ran through the building, transforming himself and Zack back into their original forms, cover no longer mattered
“C’mon, let’s get the ones outside free. They should join the carnage” he grinned, leaving the building, the chaos was also outside, some experiments had already eliminated the guards inside and gotten out, they were attacking the other workers, the cages to the other experiments had been broken, they were already enjoying the freedom
“Now what?” Zack cracked his knuckles
“We have fun” Toby grinned, he began to slam his fists into the workers, stomping on their faces, ripping their bodies apart with his nails and teeth. The experiments were truly inhuman; some had even lost their human form, assuming they had one. The building was set alight, the heat making Toby hesitate and move back, it was strange, nothing else was affected by it
“What is this?” he shouted to himself, then there was the immense pain of fire on his arm, burning through his skin and showing it’s fleshy, bloody interior.

Then he woke up.

“Ah!” he gasped, attempting to sit up straight, but the bounds around his chest, arms and legs prevented him from doing so. He noticed the severe pain had not disappeared with his hopeless dream of revenge and freedom, his arm was really on fire
“What are you doing?!” he demanded an answer
“Testing you” a thin man smiled, holding a small flamethrower
“For what?” he breathed heavily, trying not to scream, the fire spread slowly from his arm to his chest
“Resistance to fire” he answered calmly
“Well, I’m not resistant! Put it out!” he yelped, the man nodded and grabbed the bucket of water from the table behind him, Toby tried to tell him to hurry, but the words wouldn’t form in his mouth, the pain was too much
“First” the man paused, an evil grin forming on his face “say please”
“Put it out!” he screamed
“Say please” his voice was forceful; once again, words wouldn’t form in Toby’s mouth. He couldn’t speak, pain engulfed him, it had spread over his chest to his neck, fear built up in him, he was going to die, without ever having a family, seeing freedom. Then the heat was gone, cold water cut out the flames food source and killed it, the pain hadn’t, it was better, but not gone, the man wrote down something in his notebook and looked back up at Toby
“How did that feel?”
“What?” he croaked, words could form again, the bounds were apparently fire-proof, meaning they were rubbing against his revealed flesh
“Explain how that felt, or I’ll burn you again” Toby knew well enough that nobody here lied. They never bluffed
“F-fine. Have you e-ever been s-stabbed?” the man nodded, Toby winced as he spoke “Imagine that, but w-with the blade on fire, a-and instead of stabbing, it’s s-skinning you, t-times 100” he moaned in pain
“I see. A better response than some others, so you’re slightly fire resistant” he muttered as he wrote it down “McDine” he called one of the security guards
“Yes sir?”
“Take 652 back to his cage” he released the bounds from Toby; the guard attached a lead to his god collar, and dragged him out.
He knew that dream was too good to be true. It was too easy, he wasn’t questioned, he escaped with no problems, and, he couldn’t transform other people with his powers, he wasn’t that strong, not in his current state, not strong enough to do half the things he did. He yelped in pain as he was threw into his cage, it was more of a tank really, with indestructible walls. His mind became fuzzy, things were becoming out of focus, nothing looked real, then it all went black.
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Sorry about this chapter being short. I just wanted to clarify why Toby was so able in the first chapter.

Read and review. There's no doubt I've made more errors. No matter how many times I proof read something, I'll always miss the simple things.
-[Inject Me]-
-

Esper

California
Seen June 30th, 2018
Posted June 30th, 2018
These two chapters would be better combined. That, or take the first bit of chapter two at move it to chapter one since it seems a more logical break in the story and is a better teaser/cliffhanger. It works much better as a dream, but if you cut chapter one too soon a reader might not start to figure out that something's amiss and could loose interest.

I'm not sure what else to say about the story since, as you say, it's only a short addition. He gets tortured which is not unexpected, but there is the tiny glimpse in his head with that comment about wanting a family and the obvious desire for freedom. More of this later on would be good.