Okay i will cut this into sections
I will rate the lyrics and general layout of the song as i write music myself i feel a good song is written with good structure and lyrical presance.
Section 1 - Song Start
My life has its eyes set on you
But I don’t feel like your trap, I fell through
….
I have lost all my interest in you
But I just can’t leave you this soon
Give me some clearance and I might agree
That together we shall breath
Okay first off i liked your wording. You're not using the normal radio friendly lyrics like a lot of bads a=starting out these days. One thing i will say bout the song up to here is it has one or two iffy sentences i'm unsure of. Where you say "But i don't feel like your trap, I fell through" Now i might be misreading it but it doedn't make perfect sence to me. You don't feel like their trap yet you fell through? Maybe "But i don't feel like you're my trap, but i fell through" or something like that? Please correct me there i might just be reading it incorrectly. The next verse is okay. A little contradictory though. I'm not a big fan on how you began to say you've lost all interest then go on to, once you get clearance you'll breath together. Wht i'm saying is why one minute go from not having any interest any more to deciding you might want to be together again, all in 4 lines? It's okay i guess just a rush i think. But steady work there. Not much off
Section 2 - Verse into Refrain
Refrain:
I can’t just leave, away from you
But being away from you feels so good!
But I won’t be long
And I won’t be gone
In my time away from you I’ve been so far
But I had to return to you, my star
…
The only prob,em here is and it persists a little bit is the Leaving and coming back part.
You're talking about how you want to leave ine second then you're saying whats happned while you are gone and when you'll be back for eg.
Thinking about going -
I can’t just leave, away from you
But being away from you feels so good!
But I won’t be long
And I won’t be gone
Being away and coming back -
In my time away from you I’ve been so far
But I had to return to you, my star
The lyrics are good though no need for a change there!
.
Section 3 - Progressing into main song feel
I just don’t want to leave
But it takes away my grieving heart
I am attached to you, and you, to me
How long, though, is it before love I see?
Refrain 2:
I can’t just leave, away from you
But being away from you feels so good!
But I won’t be long
And I won’t be gone
Forever……. And Ever!
But what if I just made you know
What I feel
It just makes see the light and say
What if I JUST LET GO!!!
………………………
And it seems we're back on track with no jumping between times and what not. This is my favourite part so far i think it's definatel the pinacle of your song, If you added in a nice guitar solo after "I JUST LET GO!!" It would go down well before coming into the ending refrain and verse. I like this bit well structred and has a good feel to it. Then again it all depends on the way its sung. Try different vocals here and there to mix up your sound bit!
Section 4 - Song Outro, repeat refrain
I made you mine
It’s time to give up your shine
I won’t let go of you
But I still somehow don’t love you
And I can’t keep going away
I must stay
For you………
(Refrain)
No, not for long
I won’t be gone
Not forever not ever again
I’ll stay
Though
You should know
I will let go
And for all that you do-
-No, not for long…
(END)
And Alas the end peice! Still the slightconfusion from sentance to sentance you change your mind but i'm sure thats the way you want it. But i don't see too much wrong here. Wouldn't change anything. I think a lot of this song is really dependant on the way it's sung!
The Final Verdict
To be quite honest it was good! I would love to hear the music and hear it sung. Well done. Maybe a few tweaks here and there. I hope i didn't seem too harsh but i think it's good! So work on your structure a small bit ie. decideing what actually is going on rather than picking random lines where one miute you love the person and the next you're not. Sure i bet you're sick of me now xD
So 8/10 well done
Alright, thanks. Yes, it was intended that the story behind this was changing minds but here:
To sum it up, the person loves the feeling of being gone from the other person, but at the same time, the person wants to stay with the other person cuz they feel attached. (I used person instead of he/she to avoid any confusion.) The "I don't feel like your trap, I fell through" I will fix that up, that seems like my biggest flaw, this is my 1st complete song.
Yes, a guitar solo is planned after "JUST LET GO" not to be spoiling anything but..
The vocals will be very, more indepth than what you could imagine. This is a big song. It will also be difficult to complete.
One more thing, I said earlier I can't record until we can get things right in the song. We're not even half way through memorizing instrumental parts. Our singer could use a lot more time singing the song, but I won't strain her, well, not now at least. :P