Dragax67

A Rookie Trainer raring to Go!

Age 28
Male
Seen July 14th, 2015
Posted October 23rd, 2009
39 posts
13.8 Years
PROLOGUE
The Souls of Johto. A band of Pokemon that when one is captured, a new one appears. They guard the many Johto relics and landmarks, some of which are off the beaten route of Johto. The first one is known as the Shinto Ruins, said to be the one of the homes of Arceus, the Creator. Since Arceus is summoned very rarely, a pokemon lives in the Ruins, filled with the Mysterious Unown. It is said that the Guardian of the Shinto Ruins is a small Electric Pokemon, rarely seen, and not native to Johto. It is also said that the Souls of johto, when captured spark a reaction that could potentially cause chaos or order. However, the last time someone captured all of them, it caused unimaginable chaos. Lugia and Ho-oh, along with many other Legendary forces attacked and damaged the world of Pokemon. Now the world is in threat from a new force, and the Souls are needed, but with a 50% chance of chaos, is it worth the risk? one young trainer thought so, and decided to try to. This is the story of his journey, and his attempt to capture the Souls of Johto...

Feign

Clain

Seen January 24th, 2023
Posted March 12th, 2011
4,293 posts
14.4 Years
The prologue is a bit vague and confusing. There was also a lot of subject-object misuse within the sentences. Also I'd recommend sticking with the regular font without Italics, as well to type it in a program like Word before instead of typing it up here.

PROLOGUE
The Souls of Johto. A band of Pokemon that when one is captured, a new one appears. (so am I correct in assuming that "The Souls of Johto" is the name of the band of Pokemon? And what does that mean that when they are captured a new one appears? Who captures them, why does a new one appear? Now I know you don't wantto spoil much, but you have to grab the reader, not confuse them)They guard the many Johto relics and landmarks, some of which are off the beaten route of Johto. The first one is known as the Shinto Ruins, said to be the one of the homes of Arceus, the Creator. Since Arceus is summoned very rarely, a pokemon lives in the Ruins, filled with the Mysterious Unown. (so, because Arceus is summoned rarely, a pokemon lives in the Ruins? And you don't need the comma after Ruins) It is said that the Guardian of the Shinto Ruins is a small Electric Pokemon, rarely seen, and not native to Johto. It is also said that the Souls of johto, when captured spark a reaction that could potentially cause chaos or order. However, the last time someone captured all of them, it caused unimaginable chaos. Lugia and Ho-oh, along with many other Legendary forces attacked and damaged the world of Pokemon. Now the world is in threat from a new force, and the Souls are needed, but with a 50% chance of chaos, is it worth the risk? one young trainer thought so, and decided to try to. This is the story of his journey, and his attempt to capture the Souls of Johto...
(so a bad guy who wants to bring the world into chaos has the accidental chance of creating order?)

Dragax67

A Rookie Trainer raring to Go!

Age 28
Male
Seen July 14th, 2015
Posted October 23rd, 2009
39 posts
13.8 Years
Err... Woah... This is my first story so I knew I'd get criticism, being a young writer also.... Basically you are right. The Souls are a band. The reason another one appears is due to a very powerful force hidden deep in the last Souls home.

Yup, one lives there while Arceus is away, and flees when it senses Arceus nearby, to return when it is gone.

And yeah, the bad guy has a 50% chance of Order occuring but the Bad guys intervene...

Feign

Clain

Seen January 24th, 2023
Posted March 12th, 2011
4,293 posts
14.4 Years
Ah okay, just be sure to be more clear ;)

Be happy though that you're getting some early constructive criticism, I mean I want people to succeed in writing.

Dragax67

A Rookie Trainer raring to Go!

Age 28
Male
Seen July 14th, 2015
Posted October 23rd, 2009
39 posts
13.8 Years
Ah okay, just be sure to be more clear ;)

Be happy though that you're getting some early constructive criticism, I mean I want people to succeed in writing.
I will, don't worry, and its good to get some, it means I can improve. Also, the first Chapter is ready to be posted...
I have also checked it on Word, hope you like it.


Chapter One: A Legend is Born

FIVE YEARS AGO

New Bark Town. A child of the name Seth is currently watching Television. The eight year-old doesn't know that around him, the Region of Johto is anxious, as a threat from far away is looming over.
A man, known as Zeke, a powerful leader of a team that emerged as if they came from the Sunset. He is the leader of Team Dusk, and he is after the Souls of Johto. He plans to corrupt the world with them after using an item known as the Chaos Sceptre to influence the souls to use Chaos. However, he does not know the location of them. To do so, he needs to find the family who have the map to these Souls. He needs to find them before Team Flash do. But he was too late.
Team Flash are a force dedicated to good. They help and are planning to defend the Souls from Chaos. However, the side of Order is protecting the family. Seth is being watched over by the Flash-Rangers, his protectors. But this would soon change. The rangers left when Seths Mum and Dad, Amber and Kyle, arrived home.
"Dusk Squadron A, move in." Zeke commanded to a radio device, that sent a signal to five men, elite Traibers who moved in for the kill. However, Amber heard them.
"KYLE! It's them! We need to go! Get Seth and go out the back!" She yelled. Kyle ran and grabbed Seth. he sent out his Luxray and Noctowl to defend himself. But Pokemon wouldn't help this time. As Kyle ran, he heard a gunblast from in the house. Dusk were attacking in a more violent way than normal.
"Seth, listen. I need to tell you something. I have a friend who lives in Cherrygrove City. Take this Cyndaquil and go to him. And take this map. It is the map of the Souls of Johto. It might not mean anything to you but it will in the future. Go, and remember me and your mother love you." Kyle turned and ran back into his house, with Seth running the opposite direction. Seth ran and hid, scared to go any further, even with Cyndaquil. Route 29 was a large route for a beginner, and Seth being only eight wouldn't go. Then he heard more shouting. Gunshots....Explosions....Screams. Then he felt something skim the side of his head. He was bleeding, and in the tree next to him, there was a spatter of blood, witha bullet wedged into the trees bark. Blood was starting to trickle down his face and onto his clothes. He ran as he saw the Dusk trainers chasing, with Dusknoir, Houndoom and Honchkrow out also following him. Suddenly there was a huge flash of light. A Flash Ranger had appeared. Out came a Gallade, Raichu and Metagross. Seth spun round dizzily. He collapsed on te floor, not knowing if his family were alright...

Seth woke up, shouting and crying out. A Flash-Ranger was next to him.
He looked around and saw he was in the underground Cherrygrove Base. The Ranger looked very depressed and solemn. Seth knew what he was about to say. He broke down and cried hard, frustrated and angered, but most of all upset. His Mum and Dad had been killed for something his dad had given him. The Map of the Souls of Johto. He looked at it, and put it in his backpack. He then felt his head. No bandage, but a huge scar, that he didn't want to see. He grabbed a headband and pulled it over. A Flash One. Red and Yellow.
He didn't know what the map was for, but he would find out, someway. And he would find the Souls of Johto. For his parents. Now an Orphan, but a trainer who would try to achieve his parents goal, and hopefully, just maybe... he fainted agin, and the Ranger left him to rest.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Neutrino

The Jelly-Stuff of legend...

Age 28
Male
Leeds, England
Seen July 10th, 2010
Posted March 28th, 2010
333 posts
14.3 Years
I will, don't worry, and its good to get some, it means I can improve. Also, the first Chapter is ready to be posted...
I have also checked it on Word, hope you like it.


Chapter One: A Legend is Born

FIVE YEARS AGO

New Bark Town. A child of the name Seth is currently watching Television. The eight year-old doesn't know that around him, the Region of Johto is anxious, as a threat from far away is looming over.(Woah. 'A child of the name Seth? Wrong. No description of him, at all.)
A man, known as Zeke, a powerful leader of a team that emerged as if they came from the Sunset.(That emerged as if they came from the sunset? Even to me, it doesn't make sense.) He is the leader of Team Dusk, and he is after the Souls of Johto. He plans to corrupt the world with them after using an item known as the Chaos Sceptre to influence the souls to use Chaos.(The souls? What souls?) However, he does not know the location of them. To do so, he needs to find the family who have the map to these Souls. He needs to find them before Team Flash do. But he was too late.
Team Flash are a force dedicated to good. They help and are planning to defend the Souls from Chaos. However, the side of Order is protecting the family. Seth is being watched over by the Flash-Rangers, his protectors. But this would soon change. The rangers left when Seths Mum and Dad, Amber and Kyle, arrived home.(This bit was all wrong. It's just, 'blahblah. blah. blahblahblah.' all sentence, then full stop. There's no emotion, no description, nothing so far has reached out to me.)
"Dusk Squadron A, move in." Zeke commanded to a radio device, that sent a signal to five men, elite Traibers who moved in for the kill. However, Amber heard them.(Who's Amber? And, who's Kyle? We have no idea what they look like, not even a vague one. It needs structure, and so far, there is no structure.)
"KYLE! It's them! We need to go! Get Seth and go out the back!" She yelled. Kyle ran and grabbed Seth.(Kyle ran and grabbed Seth? Oh please, I seriously doubt this is the best you can think of.) He(Should be a capital 'H'.) sent out his Luxray and Noctowl to defend himself. But his Pokemon wouldn't help this time. As Kyle ran, he heard a gunblast from in the house. Dusk (Dusk were attacking makes no sense. At all. The dusk, perhaps.)were attacking in a more violent way than normal.
_______________________________________Paragraph needed_________________________________
"Seth, listen. I need to tell you something. I have a friend who lives in Cherrygrove City. Take this Cyndaquil and go to him. And take this map. It is the map of the Souls of Johto. It might not mean anything to you but it will in the future. Go, and remember me and your mother love you."(Was this supposed to be emotional? It wasn't. 'Go, and remember em and your mother love you. It's too basic.) Kyle turned and ran back into his house, with Seth running the opposite direction. Seth ran and hid(Ran and hid, huh? Come one! This can't be the best you can think of.), scared to go any further, even with Cyndaquil. Route 29 was a large route for a beginner, and Seth being only eight wouldn't go. Then he heard more shouting. Gunshots....explosions....screams. Then he felt something skim the side of his head. (OMG. Then he felt somethign skim past his head. He was bleeding. That line was terrible. We need more than THAT!)He was bleeding, and in the tree next to him, there was a spatter of blood, witha bullet wedged into the trees bark. Blood was starting to trickle down his face and onto his clothes. He ran as he saw the Dusk trainers chasing, with Dusknoir, Houndoom and Honchkrow out also following him. Suddenly there was a huge flash of light. A Flash Ranger had appeared. Out came a Gallade, Raichu and Metagross. Seth spun round dizzily. He collapsed on te floor, not knowing if his family were alright...(Suddenly there was a-- okay, that's it. This isn't good. Suddenly there was a flash of light. A flash ranger appears. That tells us what? Who are teh flash rangers. What do they look like?)

Seth woke up, shouting and crying out. A Flash-Ranger was next to him.
He looked around and saw he was in the underground Cherrygrove Base. The Ranger looked very depressed and solemn. Seth knew what he was about to say.(What, is he psychic or something? Just because someone has a solemn face, doesn't mean that? 'Solemn face+Sad eyes (automatically) = Mum and Dad dead. Don't really think so.) He broke down and cried hard, frustrated and angered, but most of all upset. His Mum and Dad had been killed for something his dad had given him. The Map of the Souls of Johto. He looked at it, and put it in his backpack. He then felt his head. No bandage, but a huge scar, that he didn't want to see. He grabbed a headband and pulled it over. A Flash One. Red and Yellow.(A flash one. Red and Yellow. Do I need to say anything?)
He didn't know what the map was for, but he would find out, someway. And he would find the Souls of Johto. For his parents. Now an Orphan, but a trainer who would try to achieve his parents goal, and hopefully, just maybe... he fainted again, and the Ranger left him to rest.(I don't understand. It felt like the prologue, no, not even that, it felt like it was way too rushed, and it felt like someone was just filling in what had happened to someone who'd just gotten abck from somewhere.)




TO BE CONTINUED....

I didn't really like this, at all. There was nothing that reach out to me. There was no description, ti felt like I was rushing through a chidlren's book. I hope it's not the best you can do, I know it's not, because it felt like something you'd ruffled up from wiping your face across the keyboard. Also, that last 'agin' should be 'again'.

Feign

Clain

Seen January 24th, 2023
Posted March 12th, 2011
4,293 posts
14.4 Years
I will, don't worry, and its good to get some, it means I can improve. Also, the first Chapter is ready to be posted...
I have also checked it on Word, hope you like it.


Chapter One: A Legend is Born

FIVE YEARS AGO

New Bark Town. A child of the name Seth is currently watching Television. The eight year-old doesn't know that around him, the people of Johto are anxious (a region cannot be anxious ;) ), as a threat from far away is looming over.

A man known as Zeke, a powerful leader of a team that emerged as if they came from the Sunset is the leader of Team Dusk, and he is after the Souls of Johto. (edited sentence) He plans to corrupt the world with them after using an item known as the Chaos Sceptre to influence the souls to use Chaos. However, he does not know the location of them. To do so, he needs to find the family who has the map to these Souls. He needs to find them before Team Flash does. But he was too late. (also be sure to stay in the same tense form, you're writing in present tense so keep up with that :) )

Team Flash are a force dedicated to good. They helping and are planning to defend the Souls from Chaos. However, the side of Order is protecting the family. (this sentence is confusing, that because Team flash is helping and planning, that this Order is protecting the family) Seth is being watched over by the Flash-Rangers, his protectors. But this will soon change. The rangers left when Seth's Mum and Dad, Amber and Kyle respectively (for clairty), arrived home.

"Dusk Squadron A, move in." Zeke commanded to a radio device, that sent a signal to five men, elite Traibers(?) who moved in for the kill. (perhaps it could be clarified as to why they would kill, as opposed to capture etc, how evil is Zeke and his Team?) However, Amber heard them.

"KYLE! It's them! We need to go! Get Seth and go out the back!" She yelled. Kyle ran and grabbed Seth. He sent out his Luxray and Noctowl to defend himself. But Pokemon wouldn't help this time. As Kyle ran, he heard a gunblast from within the house. Dusk was attacking in a more violent way than normal.

"Seth, listen. I need to tell you something. I have a friend who lives in Cherrygrove City. Take this Cyndaquil and go to him. And take this map. It is the map of the Souls of Johto. It might not mean anything to you but it will in the future. Go, and remember me and your mother love you." Kyle turned and ran back into his house, with Seth running the opposite direction. (Did Seth have anything to say, was he afraid of his parents leaving?)

Seth ran and hid, scared to go any further, even with Cyndaquil. Route 29 was a large route for a beginner, and Seth being only eight wouldn't go. Then he heard more shouting. Gunshots... Explosions... Screams. (Three ellipses max ;) ) Then he felt something skim the side of his head. He was bleeding, and in the tree next to him, there was a spatter of blood, with a bullet wedged into the trees bark. Blood was starting to trickle down his face and onto his clothes. He ran as he saw the Dusk trainers chasing him, with a Dusknoir, Houndoom and Honchkrow out also following him. Suddenly there was a huge flash of light. A Flash Ranger had appeared. Out came a Gallade, Raichu and Metagross. Seth spun round dizzily. He collapsed on the floor (do you mean ground?), not knowing if his family were alright...

Seth woke up, shouting and crying out. A Flash-Ranger was next to him.
He looked around and saw he was in the underground Cherrygrove Base. The Ranger looked very depressed and solemn. Seth knew what he was about to say. He broke down and cried hard, frustrated and angered, but most of all upset. His mum and dad had been killed for something his dad had given him, the Map of the Souls of Johto. He looked at it, and put it in his backpack. (was it still in his hands after he passed out, perhaps it should be described that he took it out to look at it) He then felt his head. No bandage, but a huge scar, that he didn't want to see. (No bandage? I hope he isn't Wolverine :P) He grabbed a headband and pulled it over. (Might want to say where this headband was found/received) A Flash One, red and yellow.

He didn't know what the map was for, but he would find out, some way. And he would find the Souls of Johto, for his parents. Now an Orphan, but a trainer, he would try to achieve his parent's goal, and hopefully, just maybe... (haha I had to laugh at this, so does this mean then that it would be in the point of view of Limited third person omnicent? Meaning that the narrator only knows certain things or thoughts of some characters?)he fainted again, and the Ranger left him to rest.

TO BE CONTINUED....
Sorry about the nitpicking, but I do hope it helps ;)

Mistakes in red of course.

I have to say though, that you have made it interesting, especially in itself, with the unpredictability of the item being sought.


Perhaps a major pointer that I hope does help: while you as the writer might know what is going on, or otherwsie know the basic plot, or what the character is thinking, it might be best to try to look at it as though it was not your own work, and that you are reading this for the first time. The last thing you want to do is have your reader assume too much. While it is okay to assume sometimes, for simpler matters (as described above), you could expand upon them for continuity.

Anyway I hope the above helps.

Dragax67

A Rookie Trainer raring to Go!

Age 28
Male
Seen July 14th, 2015
Posted October 23rd, 2009
39 posts
13.8 Years
I didn't really like this, at all. There was nothing that reach out to me. There was no description, ti felt like I was rushing through a chidlren's book. I hope it's not the best you can do, I know it's not, because it felt like something you'd ruffled up from wiping your face across the keyboard. Also, that last 'agin' should be 'again'.
I will say, definitely not my best, but some of it, if you had read it would have made sense where you put (something)?
And I have left out description for a reason, it shall all be explained later, and I'm a first-time writer, my first story, and I'm open to ctriticism.