My first Poem (attempt) eek!

Started by Kazukii July 29th, 2009 10:30 AM
  • 874 views
  • 11 replies
Female
Seen December 2nd, 2009
Posted November 28th, 2009
3,290 posts
14.7 Years
Watching over the Uk

I sit here on this mossy rock at the peak of the UK in Stornoway,
I can see all the way down to the likes of western Plymouth,
There's the old time favourite Edinburgh Castle with all those little dots flashing their cameras,
I look not too further down and I see Bamburgh Castle next to a beautiful sandy beach,
Now I can see Liverpool Cathedral in all it's glory,
Standing tall representing the north is The Angel Of The North who looks proud,
There I see the massive Blackpool Roller Coaster that has intimidated so many,
I push aside a little fog that seems to be obscuring Birmingham,
Ah, there's the famous NEC Birmingham arena that holds so many incredible events,
It looks like I can see Englands capital now; London,
Tick-Tocking away is Big Ben and I've just heard the hourly clang of the bells
No further I look do I see The O2 arena where the likes of Beyoncé perfrom their stylish arts
The last thing London shows me is The London Eye which very slightly rotates around
The last landmark that draws the attention of my eyes is in Southampton right at the foot of the Uk,
The famous remains of the walls that helped protect Southampton during WWII brings pride to my heart,
The incredible land of the Uk holds so many majestic adventures & wonders to experience,
What will I see next?

___________

My first attempt at doing a poem online so go easy on me XD;

Vie

...

germany
Seen March 17th, 2011
Posted December 24th, 2010
1,113 posts
15.7 Years
I think its okay for the beginning, it has a nice topic (UK ftw!) and I like the open end with the question. To make it sound more like a poem, you should try to get the same amount of syllables in every line. You don't need exactly the same number of them, but similar would be good. I also like the personifications that you have there.
Keep it going.
:D
Female
UK
Seen October 10th, 2009
Posted August 28th, 2009
34 posts
13.8 Years
Yeah its an alright poem but to be honest, I would do it about Pokémon because it feels out of random.
Its a bit strange to write something about the UK on a Pokémon Poetry Forum!
Oh well get it published, I'm sure you'll make fine money out of it!
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Female
UK
Seen October 10th, 2009
Posted August 28th, 2009
34 posts
13.8 Years
True. But still you'd be better off going to another website and then you may get money for it, trust me Zenus
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Alexithymia~

-

Female
UK
Seen January 10th, 2015
Posted June 3rd, 2012
1,701 posts
14.1 Years
Watching over the Uk




Standing tall representing the north is The Angel Of The North who looks proud,
~
~
~

The last thing London shows me is The London Eye which very slightly rotates around
These two sentences get me.
There is no need to repeat the word 'North' and 'London', it just doesn't flow.

So basically:
'Standing tall representing the north is The Angel who looks proud' &&&
'The last thing London shows me is The Eye which slowly rotates around'

I also suggest taking out the 'very' in the London sentence, as again, it doesn't flow, and try to stick to some sort of group of syllables or rhythm.

Just something to chew on there.