My beautiful poem

Started by parallelzero October 6th, 2004 1:59 PM
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  • 10 replies

parallelzero

chelia.blendy

Age 32
The capital of Canada (not Toronto)
Seen May 11th, 2015
Posted May 20th, 2013
14,627 posts
19.3 Years
Heh, I'm poet! It's short, but oh well! It's also a prepositional poem.

Just Around the River bend

Against the currents of life shall I fight

Of the bitter rivers I will drink

Around the river bend, sweet waters await

Below the black waters my boat will sink

Beneath it my burdens rest ever after

Onto my soul they rest no longer

SKY GOD SLAYER: CHELIA BLENDY
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Age 35
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Seen December 26th, 2005
Posted November 10th, 2004
329 posts
18.8 Years
excellent, a few problems though.

"Against the currents of life shall I fight"
-first line, good thought, but bad structure. This is a bit too passive for me. Also shall looks out of place it really gives nothing, try something else like vow or swear. So it would ideally look something like this I (vow) to fight against the currents of life, or now that I look at it more maybe "I shall vow to fight against the currents of my life". yeah you don't have to use those its just an example of how it would look, of course youre going to want to put in better diction. writing in the active voice always makes it seem more to the point and after looking at it a few times the way "life" was used seemed a little vague. are you fighting against life in general? or against the "currents" of your life?

"Of the bitter rivers I will drink"
-good, I like use of the word bitter here, a fine use of imagery.

"Around the river bend, sweet waters await"

"Below the black waters my boat will sink"

- eh I see you were going for a bit of contrast here. It came out a little ambigous, but maybe you were going for that. If I interpreted it correctly it should work fine. So basically my question is, do you mean that in the metaphor of the river as life that good moments seem just around the bend, but we as humans tend to "sink ourselves" rather than accept good tidings that come our way? I can see a few interpretations, maybe personal ones to you, but this was the best general one I could think of.

"Beneath it my burdens rest ever after

Onto my soul they rest no longer"

-ooh I like the ending, gives me some closure, and now that I look at it it clearsa up my problem with the two lines prior to this.
"We must carry war into every corner the enemy happens to carry it, to his home, to his centers of entertainment:a total war. It is neccesary to prevent him from having a moment of peace, a quiet moment outside his barracks or even inside; we must attack him wherever he may be, make him feel like a cornered beast wherever he may move. then his moral fiber shall begin to decline, but we shall notice how signs of decadence begin to disappear."- Che Guevara

"shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man"-Ernesto "Che" Guevara

parallelzero

chelia.blendy

Age 32
The capital of Canada (not Toronto)
Seen May 11th, 2015
Posted May 20th, 2013
14,627 posts
19.3 Years
haha
It was a school assingment, so I had to start everything with a preposition, no exceptions. But thanks for da tips. I'll use them next time I make a poem like that.

SKY GOD SLAYER: CHELIA BLENDY
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Shiney

Sometimes, we come back!

Age 34
Where exploitation is exploration
Seen November 3rd, 2013
Posted March 13th, 2011
8,429 posts
19.3 Years
haha
It was a school assingment, so I had to start everything with a preposition, no exceptions. But thanks for da tips. I'll use them next time I make a poem like that.
Next time? 0_0;; LP, have you lost what little ammount of sanity you had left?
Seen March 30th, 2005
Posted March 11th, 2005
1,912 posts
18.6 Years
Awwwwwww, that poem was wonderful, it created a beautiful picture! I hope you post more great poems like it sometime. It flows wonderfully and you used good word choice. ^^ 10/10

~Kelsey
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(. (.` ♥ Kelsey

Now officially moving to a new name, with Steve's OK, I shall now be known as Mori Seirei. ^.~