It's a poem! read it!...haha...now

Started by John Denver October 9th, 2004 5:19 PM
  • 2549 views
  • 28 replies
Age 35
War n' stuff
Seen October 2nd, 2006
Posted May 14th, 2006
8,290 posts
19.7 Years
The Truth

What is pain but a feeling
Love but a thought
Laughter but a speech
That ends up for naught

What is Joy but a premise
A Friend but a corpse
Everything dies
Except for remorse

When you think about life
you'll soon get depressed
of all there is to think
about sin's duress


I can't think of anything else...but really now, this is how the "smart" people like to think nowadays...don't think like this poem says
Age 31
Tennesse -_-
Seen September 28th, 2013
Posted May 23rd, 2005
828 posts
19.7 Years
I have corrections. Mmkay-daisy, "joy" does not need to be capitalized even if it is used as a noun or like an emotion or jeez... Do you get what I'm saying? Same for "friend". You used the second person pronoun "you'll" as well as a contraction. No no no... In poetry and writing in basic, general rule, no contractions. Replace "you'll" with "one shall". Capitalize the first words of the last stanza like you did in the others.

Angst... I see so much of it when I go to competition. Overall, Dakota, it's not your best.

And yes, do not think like this. It'll screw you up really badly and you'll have to go through years of therapy like me and take icky medicines. So be angst free.

And as always, please pardon my critisism. You know I'm only offering advice.

Rogue: "What am I going to do with you Remy LeBeau?"
Gambit: "I have a list, but I left it in my other pants."
-- Astonishing X-Men #1

Rogue + Gambit
The Mississipian and the Lousianian Cajan, too cute together


--The Daily Post, the Xanga of Blaine--
Age 35
War n' stuff
Seen October 2nd, 2006
Posted May 14th, 2006
8,290 posts
19.7 Years
Girl from Tennessee

In Tennessee down where the buffalo roam
Lives a girl, named Blaine, in a Tennessee home
With a Tennessee sis and a Tennessee life
She'll court a Tennessee man an' be a Tennessee wife

Tennesse you say? Where on earth would that be?
On the eastern USA you would find Tennessee
With it's long, narrow look...Tennessee is all plain
That is, until you meet, my good buddy Blaine

She'll liven you up with Tennessee chatter
And write a Tennessee poem about Tennessee matters
As a lyricist goes she's a Tennessee best
And she'll ask you not to look at her Tennessee chest


Heh, I had to add that last part...BOO ya!
Age 35
In a box, where do you think?
Seen December 4th, 2006
Posted November 26th, 2006
4,294 posts
18.9 Years
I have corrections. Mmkay-daisy, "joy" does not need to be capitalized even if it is used as a noun or like an emotion or jeez... Do you get what I'm saying? Same for "friend". You used the second person pronoun "you'll" as well as a contraction. No no no... In poetry and writing in basic, general rule, no contractions. Replace "you'll" with "one shall". Capitalize the first words of the last stanza like you did in the others.

Angst... I see so much of it when I go to competition. Overall, Dakota, it's not your best.

And yes, do not think like this. It'll screw you up really badly and you'll have to go through years of therapy like me and take icky medicines. So be angst free.

And as always, please pardon my critisism. You know I'm only offering advice.
That's not advice, that's rubbish. As any real poet would know, he can capitalize any words he wants in order to better show his emotions or reflect his feelings. Poetry has no rules, in fact, the only way we can really determine if something is poetry or not is how we accept it, and I guess you don't accept that work at all.

I like the poems, keep up the good work Lulu!

Shana

bigmouth strikes again.

Age 32
New Jersey.
Seen August 31st, 2014
Posted July 21st, 2007
4,617 posts
18.9 Years
The Truth

What is pain but a feeling
Love but a thought
Laughter but a speech
That ends up for naught

What is Joy but a premise
A Friend but a corpse
Everything dies
Except for remorse

When you think about life
you'll soon get depressed
of all there is to think
about sin's duress


I can't think of anything else...but really now, this is how the "smart" people like to think nowadays...don't think like this poem says
Awesome poem...I like it a lot.
My heart's a graveyard, baby.
And to evil we make love
on our passion's killing floor.
In my arms you won't sleep safely.
And of lust we are re-born
on our passion's killing floor.
Age 31
Tennesse -_-
Seen September 28th, 2013
Posted May 23rd, 2005
828 posts
19.7 Years
Girl from Tennessee

In Tennessee down where the buffalo roam
Lives a girl, named Blaine, in a Tennessee home
With a Tennessee sis and a Tennessee life
She'll court a Tennessee man an' be a Tennessee wife

Tennesse you say? Where on earth would that be?
On the eastern USA you would find Tennessee
With it's long, narrow look...Tennessee is all plain
That is, until you meet, my good buddy Blaine

She'll liven you up with Tennessee chatter
And write a Tennessee poem about Tennessee matters
As a lyricist goes she's a Tennessee best
And she'll ask you not to look at her Tennessee chest


Heh, I had to add that last part...BOO ya!
My dear Dakota, you're ruining my hard outside. How can I be Miss Jolly Rancher if I'm not tough? ^^''' I appreciate the flattery? I'm just blushing as red as the autumn leaves. I do hope I won't alope to a Tennessee man though... Heheh. But yep, Tennessee is as plain as our front door, though I must say we know how to have a fun time at a football game. Haha. Darn those second person pronouns, arrrr. Hehe. How can I begin to correct your poetry when I'm reverted to a bundle of laughter?

That's not advice, that's rubbish. As any real poet would know, he can capitalize any words he wants in order to better show his emotions or reflect his feelings. Poetry has no rules, in fact, the only way we can really determine if something is poetry or not is how we accept it, and I guess you don't accept that work at all.
I can only shrug and say that as you have opinions, I do as well. Poetry has many many rules. There is no such thing as a concept without boundaries. Only published poets have right to a poetic liscense. Poetry is not my forte; I am an essayist at heart. And my corrections convey my niche. Like beauty, acceptance is in the eye of the beholder. Only may one's person determine if she accepts a piece or not. Call it rubbish if you must, but I see nothing wrong with constructive criticism.

Rogue: "What am I going to do with you Remy LeBeau?"
Gambit: "I have a list, but I left it in my other pants."
-- Astonishing X-Men #1

Rogue + Gambit
The Mississipian and the Lousianian Cajan, too cute together


--The Daily Post, the Xanga of Blaine--
Age 35
In a box, where do you think?
Seen December 4th, 2006
Posted November 26th, 2006
4,294 posts
18.9 Years
I can only shrug and say that as you have opinions, I do as well. Poetry has many many rules. There is no such thing as a concept without boundaries. Only published poets have right to a poetic liscense. Poetry is not my forte; I am an essayist at heart. And my corrections convey my niche. Like beauty, acceptance is in the eye of the beholder. Only may one's person determine if she accepts a piece or not. Call it rubbish if you must, but I see nothing wrong with constructive criticism.
Since when did poems have any real rules? That almost completely trashes the concept of poetry in the first place. If you can't express what you feel, or what you need to say, the way that you feel it needs to be done, then what can we consider poetry? People make line breaks(in the wrong areas), spelling errors, and capitalization(where it doesn't really need it), just to better express the way they feel about the subject they portray. The only real rule, is that there are no rules.
Age 31
Tennesse -_-
Seen September 28th, 2013
Posted May 23rd, 2005
828 posts
19.7 Years
Since when did poems have any real rules? That almost completely trashes the concept of poetry in the first place. If you can't express what you feel, or what you need to say, the way that you feel it needs to be done, then what can we consider poetry? People make line breaks(in the wrong areas), spelling errors, and capitalization(where it doesn't really need it), just to better express the way they feel about the subject they portray. The only real rule, is that there are no rules.
I'm not going to sit and have a quarrel of pens. You can choose to ignore my comments if it would make you feel better. We all see things differently and are entitled to our own opinions. Ours are dissimilar, end of story.

Rogue: "What am I going to do with you Remy LeBeau?"
Gambit: "I have a list, but I left it in my other pants."
-- Astonishing X-Men #1

Rogue + Gambit
The Mississipian and the Lousianian Cajan, too cute together


--The Daily Post, the Xanga of Blaine--
Age 35
War n' stuff
Seen October 2nd, 2006
Posted May 14th, 2006
8,290 posts
19.7 Years
Just Remember

There are lots of times when one might say
"What if I took my life today?
I tell you now, to reconsider
A choice like that is always bitter

Your life, your soul, your memories
Taken away with painful ease
End your time on God's green earth?
Make your death as natural as birth!

When your time is done, let it be good
Don't end it shorter than you should
Cherish the moment, forget the bad
Remember the wonderful times you had!

If ever I need say something more
Suicide holds one more thing in store
Though self-destruction leaves a mortal welt
You kill you friends as you do yourself


meh...I'm done for today
Age 35
War n' stuff
Seen October 2nd, 2006
Posted May 14th, 2006
8,290 posts
19.7 Years
The day

My life was initially ruined
the day I told her I loved her
why did I do it?
heat of the moment where
anything you want to do
you'll do
without ever thinking of the consequences.
Idiot.

I'm losing my friends in
what seems to be an overnight occasion
and there's nothing I can do about it!
Why did I tell her
that I loved her
when at the time that she thought I didn't
my life was fine
Age 35
War n' stuff
Seen October 2nd, 2006
Posted May 14th, 2006
8,290 posts
19.7 Years
Bothered

What I once was the king of all
Now I'm just a lowly nooB
Punched and Beaten
By those I once respected
As friends
good friends
best friends
What once was regarded as funny is now annoying
Cool now stupid
Smart now un-intelligent
What happened? Why did it happen?
The only ones that know the answers to those questions
are the ones that are beating me.
Seen March 30th, 2005
Posted March 11th, 2005
1,912 posts
18.6 Years
I like it, Dakota. I think the flow's a wee bit choppy, but then, I have had poems like that as well. The peom's meaning is as clear as day. I just rated Liquid Lighting's poem and also found that the flow could use some work, but his peom's meaning stood out very well also. Your poem suggests a theory that even simple peeaceful things can be dark. Like the thought of all your friends dying out. Or even staring blankly at a beautiful blooming rose to watch it suddenly wilt in the moonlight. Very good poem. 9/10

~Kelsey

EDIT: This rating was for teh first poem, just so's you know. ^_^
*)
..*) .*)
(. (.` ♥ Kelsey

Now officially moving to a new name, with Steve's OK, I shall now be known as Mori Seirei. ^.~
Female
La La Land
Seen September 1st, 2016
Posted May 22nd, 2012
2,002 posts
18.6 Years
The Truth

What is pain but a feeling
Love but a thought
Laughter but a speech
That ends up for naught

What is Joy but a premise
A Friend but a corpse
Everything dies
Except for remorse

When you think about life
you'll soon get depressed
of all there is to think
about sin's duress


I can't think of anything else...but really now, this is how the "smart" people like to think nowadays...don't think like this poem says
I like this poem. It really does make you think about why in the world do we exsist if life just sux anyways? You have to pick out tthe positives in life, not the negatives!
"Life is a choice. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be" ~ Chuck Palahunik
Age 62
Male
Melbourne, Australia
Seen April 26th, 2018
Posted June 9th, 2014
11,439 posts
19.7 Years
The one about Blaine scares me. Meh. I like the others though, they actually have meaning.


"One reason why mathematics enjoys special esteem, above all other sciences, is that its laws are absolutely certain and indisputable, while those of other sciences are to some extent debatable and in constant danger of being overthrown by newly discovered facts."
Albert Einstein

"What science can there be more noble, more excellent, more useful for men, more admirably high and demonstrative than mathematics."
Benjamin Franklin

"Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty – a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of paintings or music, yet sublimely pure and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show."
Bertrand Russell

avatar and signature by FoxHound

ANNOY ME AT YOUR PERIL. I am becoming increasingly tired of the unmanly elitism and closed-mindedness of certain members who shall remain unnamed.
Seen May 21st, 2011
Posted May 9th, 2006
6,683 posts
19.5 Years
The Truth
What is pain but a feeling
Love but a thought
Laughter but a speech
That ends up for naught

What is Joy but a premise
A Friend but a corpse
Everything dies
Except for remorse

When you think about life
you'll soon get depressed
of all there is to think
about sin's duress
I really like this poem -very emotional, especially the first four lines
Your style kinda reminds me of one of my friends john (http://kickmeiamadog.deviantart.com)

Bothered
What I once was the king of all
Now I'm just a lowly nooB
Punched and Beaten
By those I once respected
As friends
good friends
best friends
What once was regarded as funny is now annoying
Cool now stupid
Smart now un-intelligent
What happened? Why did it happen?
The only ones that know the answers to those questions
are the ones that are beating me.
awws, its really cute..but really funny XD
Age 31
Tennesse -_-
Seen September 28th, 2013
Posted May 23rd, 2005
828 posts
19.7 Years
-waves to Dakota- Allo. Your signature is commanding me to "shut up and kiss you" so I shall! -kisses Dakota's cheek- Yay! Okay, okay, on to business.

Your new poem, Bothered, I have a few corrections. In the first verse... The opening word "What" doesn't really fit. I can't catch what you're meaning with it. Unintelligent isn't hyphenated.

I think it's honestly very true... I most definitely miss those days... I really miss the people... Goodness... You're going to make me cry!

Rogue: "What am I going to do with you Remy LeBeau?"
Gambit: "I have a list, but I left it in my other pants."
-- Astonishing X-Men #1

Rogue + Gambit
The Mississipian and the Lousianian Cajan, too cute together


--The Daily Post, the Xanga of Blaine--
Age 35
War n' stuff
Seen October 2nd, 2006
Posted May 14th, 2006
8,290 posts
19.7 Years
The last 2 seconds of your life

My feelings bore as all can tell
Into my shell of feeble skin
To enter in is easy now
But to ask how would be a sin

You can't hear the music play
The simple way I hear its tune
But soon, yes soon will be the hour
At which my flowers surround my tomb

And here my life ends with a whisper
A gentle kiss for me to die
Until I fly to heavens door
Forevermore will my heart cry


This isn't even a poem, it's just pretty words put together.
Age 31
Tennesse -_-
Seen September 28th, 2013
Posted May 23rd, 2005
828 posts
19.7 Years
Very pretty, Dakota. It is very melodious in a melancholy way, almost manevolent. Yet again though you're commanding us to kiss you! -winks and kisses Dakota- Yay. I really like it. The piece is rather poetic without you meaning to.

Rogue: "What am I going to do with you Remy LeBeau?"
Gambit: "I have a list, but I left it in my other pants."
-- Astonishing X-Men #1

Rogue + Gambit
The Mississipian and the Lousianian Cajan, too cute together


--The Daily Post, the Xanga of Blaine--
Age 35
War n' stuff
Seen October 2nd, 2006
Posted May 14th, 2006
8,290 posts
19.7 Years
Meh

Do it now
Don't wait
Don't wait 'till the last second
Don't wait 'till you won't have another chance
Do it now
Don't miss this opportunity
Do it now
It won't happen again
Do it now
You may think you'll have another chance
Are you willing to to risk it?
Do it now
Don't let time take your shot away
Do it now
Kiss me now!!


I had to add that last part :):):)