Lost a Pokemon story (PG-13)

Started by Trainer_Trevor October 10th, 2004 11:31 AM
  • 977 views
  • 7 replies
Age 29
Good Question I Forgot
Seen February 14th, 2015
Posted November 14th, 2009
33 posts
18.6 Years
Introduction
This is not a prologue. This is what I warn you for in the story. This has no happy beginning, no happy middle but a happy ending. You can stop reading. You can go off and read another FanFic. I'm just warning because this has killing. I'm just going to cut to the chase and tell you all the main facts about this story. You know some.

Well this story takes place in Mintale (as in Pokemon Channel) and is going to get worst. You know all the places on Mintale right? Springfeild, Viridian Forest, Mt.Snowfall, Cobalt Coast. Well anyway this takes place there. I don't even know why I am making up the island but it's way off from way to the Eat of Cobalt, and wa north of Mt.Snowfall. No one knows of this island and I'm here to tell it. Some rumors are that it's Ursaring and Sharpedo infeasted.

This is all I'm going to say or else I'd be giving spoilers. See ya bye

Remember if you don't like it don't read it it's not happy

Ryoutarou

Seen April 2nd, 2023
Posted December 29th, 2020
30,927 posts
19.3 Years
This is not a prologue. This is what I warn you for in the story. This has no happy beginning, no happy middle but a happy ending. You can stop reading. You can go off and read another FanFic. I'm just warning because this has killing. I'm just going to cut to the chase and tell you all the main facts about this story. You know some.

Well this story takes place in Mintale (as in Pokemon Channel) and is going to get worst. You know all the places on Mintale right? Springfeild, Viridian Forest, Mt.Snowfall, Cobalt Coast. Well anyway this takes place there. I don't even know why I am making up the island but it's way off from way to the Eat of Cobalt, and wa north of Mt.Snowfall. No one knows of this island and I'm here to tell it. Some rumors are that it's Ursaring and Sharpedo infeasted.

This is all I'm going to say or else I'd be giving spoilers. See ya bye

Remember if you don't like it don't read it it's not happy
Not sure if you acutally read the other fics, but a good deal of them are not light fics. Also I'm not sure, but I don't think you can post previews.
Age 29
Good Question I Forgot
Seen February 14th, 2015
Posted November 14th, 2009
33 posts
18.6 Years
Chapter 1
Trevor was sitting in a plaine heading to Mt. Snowfall. Trevor was hand-cuffed he killed someone. He was looking around then looked at his Pokemon. He had two of them. He had a Charmander, and a Pikachu. He really liked his Pokemon. They looked at him. All three of them were queezy. They hated plaines they were really scared of them too. Soon they back felloff with another person. Trevor looked at the back.
Trevor: Oh my god

They were all looking at him. They were thinking why would a killer be scared. They gave him a look then they looked out the back. Soon they air mask came down. Trevor tried to reach them. Then charmander broke the handcuffs he grabbed the air mask and put them on. The plaine went spiraling down then it wrecked. All the people got out. It was cold.
Trevor: Where the hell are we
Guy: Good question for a killer
Trevor: I am not the killer
Guy: Who is
Trevor: My freakin' look alike friend Chad
Guy: (Shakes hand) Hi I'm Paul
Trevor: I'm Trevor

The two went up to the Pilot as he was using the radio.
Pilot: Hello
Radio: not responding
Trevor: Let me try

Trevor was good with machanics so he took the machine and put in the batteries. He called into the radio
Trevor: Help
Radio: What
Trevor: We need help our plaine crashed 90 miles from where we are supposed to head
Radio: I'tll be a few days

Trevor took a breath as what everyone looked at him.
Trevor: Let's go catch some Pokemon
People: What did they say
Trevor: It'll take a few days okay

Trevor went into the forest then he looked. They looked at him weirdly.
Trevor: Food, Water, Pokemon, Better signal

The people agreed and followed him into the woods then and there a bear was running toward them. Trevor looked eyes wide. Then he told Pikachu to thundershock it. It did and the Ursaring died.
Trevor: What the
Paul: Its an Ursaring
Trevor: This place is dangerous what can we do to live
Age 33
Female
In the soup dragon's cavern.
Seen November 13th, 2009
Posted October 27th, 2009
37 posts
18.6 Years
Okay, you really shouldn't be using script unless you can't avoid it. It just makes everything look unprofessional and detracts from the fic overall. A spellchecker would have been nice too - note that it's planes not plaines.

You need to say what's going on too, one second Trevor was thinking how they couldn't see how a killer could be scared and the next the plane was crashing. O_o;; What the heck happened there?!

Also, you said at the beginning that Trevor was a killer, but then he said that he wasn't, it was his look-alike friend later on. Generally the narative should tell the truth (he was convicted of murder?) so I assume that Trevor is lying, but because you used script form you couldn't write ""I am not the killer." lied Trevor" or anything.

Pretty bumpy so far, you've got a lot of work to do.


.:Touch my food, feel my fork:.
Twisted Hierarchy - Plague

Mr Cat Dog

Frasier says it best

Age 32
Male
London, UK
Seen September 29th, 2017
Posted July 12th, 2017
11,344 posts
19.1 Years
Are you trying to make this a script fic or a normal fic? If script - emotions cannot be used unless you use symbolism to the maximum - and that's extremely hard. Also, script fics should be in present tense, since they are used for actors to act out plays - nothing more in real life!!! If it's not trying to be a script, then use some speech marks for God's sake. Laziness springs to mind as well.

The plot is extremely dishevelled and unclear. A Thundershock would not have killed a fully grown Ursaring, especially from a Pikachu in the first place. It just didn't seem very real. People back at Flight Centres don't just go "What" when they hear someone in distress... that would just be absurd. All I'm going to say is that this fic needs a LOT of work on it.
Age 33
Female
In the soup dragon's cavern.
Seen November 13th, 2009
Posted October 27th, 2009
37 posts
18.6 Years
sorry I like posting like that with setting and plots and people talk in script I figure you would like the story not the Paragraphing
It's not the layout that bothers me: it's just that script is so constricting. In a fiction that uses quotations a lot about the character can be revealed through a simple block of otherwise boring dialogue. Something like this:

Sandy: Hello.

Sandy holds out a hand to Denis.

Denis: Hi.
says nothing about the characters at all. Put it into the other form, however, and so much more can be shown...

"Hello." Sandy said with fake cheer, her mouth smiling but her brown eyes cold as she held out a tanned hand to the other trainer.

Feeling uneasy, Denis replied with a quick "hi."

He didn't dare take that hand.
Now we get something better than that flat emotionless bit of script. We can see that Sandy isn't just a friendly person saying hello, there's something else going on in her head. I also managed to pop a bit of description in there too, so we also know that she has brown eyes and tanned skin. Something as simple as that can say so much when it's not in script, so by saying that you could do better by using speech marks we reviewers are just trying to help you out...

Of course, you don't have to take the advice of any reviewer - it is your fic. Just keep in mind that I'm not here to complain, just help point out flaws so they can be fixed.

Good luck!


.:Touch my food, feel my fork:.
Twisted Hierarchy - Plague