*~*~*Whisper of death*~*~*

Started by Ryoutarou October 12th, 2004 11:15 AM
  • 704 views
  • 3 replies

Ryoutarou

Seen April 2nd, 2023
Posted December 29th, 2020
30,927 posts
19.3 Years
Ok, here is my first oneshot, I know it's kinda short for a one shot, but I got this from an idea I used on a paper at school, hope you enjoy it!

*~*~*Whisper of death*~*~*
By blue
Death came to me the night before, had it waited for me longer, I would have taken myself. Muttered the dusty eyed boy, waiting in the dark hallway to nowhere he saw a showdown come close to him, it reached its hand and Erick took its hand.

Come with me, now is your time to be at peaceSaid the shadowy figure in a cold and stern voice.

At peacehow can that be? If all I ever did was hurt otherswhy do I deserve to be at peace? They are all in pain from what I did, and yet Im here and they still live in suffering.

Their suffering was caused by your pain; your pain was caused by their suffering. You tried to help, but it was a vain choice. Said the figure as the two continued walking towards a giant black door, that looked as if was ready to fall apart at any moment.

How can it be a vain? If all I ever did was try to help them, to stop me suffering, to stop THEIR suffering. Remarked Erick as the shadowy figure opened the door.

Oh but it was vain, you say you did it to stop their pain, but you know why you really did it. Had it not affected you, you wouldnt have given them the time of day. The only way to stop your pain was to stop theirs, you were the selfish one. They saw that you hurt and it caused them pain so they helped you the best they could.

Then why arent they here? You say I was the one in vain, but they only tried to stop my pain because it caused them pain, they were in vain as well! Yelled Erick

The door had now opened, what came before Ericks eyes was a beautiful collage of colors and sound, all of which had been events from his life, the accident, the treatment, the pokemons help. Yet none of it seemed to bother him, Erick had not realized that they were in pain for other reasons, the other children were in pain as well, and all these pokemon could do were to bring a smile to their face, no matter how short-lived it was. Erick stood watching the images pass him by.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Not having to wait for now or for more, those words were still deep in Ericks heart, but what did they really mean?

A small Hypno stood by the side of a young Erick, the pokemon swung its pendulum before Ericks eyes. His head was almost healed, all that remained was the pain in his eyes, they were blank as a board, grey as mist, the color had gone, and the eyes were dead.

Two doctors stood in the same small white room as Erick and the Hypno.

So, do you really think this will help him at all? Asked one doctor to another.

The other gave a short pause before he began to speak and took a long look at the young Erick, still not knowing what had happened to him.

I dont know, but it wont ever come back. This boys life might as well be over as it is now. He lost everyone, they all did. Seventy-nine children without a home, but I guess you can call this one lucky, he is only ten, but he wont miss what he cant remember well. The others, much older then he lost more then him, they cant walk, talk, or even hearand they knew what joy the senses brought them. They will miss what god took from them, but this boy should be so lucky as to only have lost something as small as this. With the pendulum treatment, at least the boy can have a chance of being able to make out shapes with sound, but who knows? Maybe in time to come, there will be a better trained doctor that can help him more then we ever could. Remarked the white haired man in a apathetic voice. Why is this one so special? He lost nothing, yet they say he was affected the mostwhy? He doesnt have to wait, not now, not everhell never really now what the others lost, he was always a orphanselfish child.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why did you do this?!?!? Yelled the white haired doctor as he stared at the hoard of dead pokemon bodies on the floor, at the end of the trail of bodies, Erick stood with his hands bloody, looking happy as if he had freed them from some pain.

I did it for them; they were all in pain, because of them! Yelled Erick as he pointed towards the other children, they were crying in their beds, they couldnt move, and yet it was as if they were using all their strength to reach and help their pokemon.

You fool! These pokemon were happy, they wanted to help out the children, these werent captured pokemon, they came to us, and they helped us. You dont understand it was their choice to help us! Yelled the doctor as he called for help.

Your wrong old manthey were in pain, these pokemon tried to help usbut they were in pain, these childrenthey always had to help us, they couldnt have a life of their own! Yelled Erick as he took his wrist and placed it near his heart.

Youyou even killed the Hypno that helped you make out shapes! You could have even spared him! What are you made of iceyouwho told you that is was your job to judge when these pokemon were in pain! Yelled the man as two hospital workers came in, they were in shock from what they had seen.

Who told me to judge? It was himhe gave me the power to seeso I saw that Remarked Erick as he pointed towards a cross behind him.

Youyou dont know what these pokemon had to give up to make you happy! Yelled one of the hospital workers.

They made us happy? How could any of us be happy when we knew they were in pain, we all went through the same thing, so we all could feel their pain! I freed them! I helped them! I SAVED them! Yelled Erick as he took a knife to his heart ready to stab him self.

You werent all the same, you were different, they saved you, it was only you that could tell and if these beings worked to make you and the children happy at the expense of their own well being, then it was their choiceyou were different.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The birds whispered, the silence came, it came for the pokemon, but why didnt it take me to? Remarked Erick.

He was now in a small room, white and the walls were padded with a soft material, Erick lie on the ground rocking back and forth, he uttered those words everyday for years on end.

Why not? Please, just help me! Peace not be forgotten
by the truth of my words. Does that mean anything to youI freed you all why, you are haunting meWHY!

Dont ever say you helped us, were happy with the children, you took us from our joy, you put us into our own personal hell for years, but at last we crossed into after lifenow you call me down and ask for help? Whispered a voice, silently leaving its words on Ericks ears.

PleaseI cant see you anymore, it left when you leftwhy did you take it away from me? Muttered Erick

A image appeared before Erick, a outline of a hypno, its head was the only part that was clearly visible, it looked Erick it its eyes, and for the first time Erick could see the truth.

You gave it back. Thank youplease I needplease help me! Wont you please help me! Yelled Erick as he tried to stand up, using the white and barren walls for support. Can see the truth, but nothing beyond this room, no windows to feel the rest of the truth, please help me.

The Hypno looked at Erick once again with those cold eyes, and it didnt speak, it only mouth out one word as Erick stood at his feet begging for help.

HELP ME! PLEASE! I DONT WANT TO LEAVE HELP ME! AHHHHHH! Echoed a scream from Ericks room, the sound proof room stood with the body of the silent boy, he was gone and no one cared, his world had ended, but the world moved on.


The peace came tonight its whisper so sweet.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So you really all want to help? You know that youll be giving up a lot to help these children. Said a brown haired man as he stood in front of a line of seventeen pokemon, each was ready to help the children out. These were truly selfless beings; they couldnt see what god had coming for them though.

So, I guess these children will have something to bring a smile to their hearts and faces again, even that one boy. He calls himself lucky, but he doesnt have to face the harsh reality anymore, he can be at peace with himself, he wont have to lie alone in his room, even if he cant see his new friendshell at least be able to feel something from them.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As a set of nine yellow school buses were on the road headed for some far off place, a memory that would never return. A busy day it had been, a crowded street, nine buses, three tankers, what they were carrying seemed un important now, all that was known is that it destroyed childrens lifes, all but one, a single ten year old, he didnt know the real joy of sense yet, but the others did. Children as old as seventeen that were about to have their life turned upside down, all lose of sense, no more walking, no sound, no nothingjust a shell, the soul had left and what remained seemed painful and unimportant.

So fast it happened, no one could have predicted it, the nine buses each crashed into those tankers, one hundred and forty kids aboard, only seventy-nine made it out alive, only one made it out without losing anything importantanything important to the world that is.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Just as sudden as it started, the flash of scenes from Ericks life was over. He and the shadowy figure stand in what seemed to be a endless area of nothingness, only black looming nothing, no stars, no earth, no home.

So you see boy, you were not the one being just, and by killing them you only gave them the chance to be reborn again and not enter their rightful heaven. They felt pain, it caused you pain, you wanted to stop it, you were being unjust, they did not feel pain because of some false idle that they were forced to help, they came on their own, they felt pain for the children, they felt pain for not being able to do anything to help the children aside from providing a smile. Though my time is now gone and your time has come Remarked the shadowy figure.

The being as of nowhere was lit up and its body was shown, and hunched being in a robe. The being lifted its head piece and showed its face to Erick

You...ohplease help meUttered Erick.

The being once again looked at Erick with those cold unforgiving eyes, eyes that Erick now had, to see the truth, to see the pain. Without saying a word, the beast muttered a single word with terrified Erick in his last desperate moments. A light came clear at the end of a tunnel, the once wide area was now a single dark tunnel with a light at the end of the road, Ericks body was being carried to the light and the beast uttered a single phrase.

That lightat the end of the tunnel, thats not heaven thats The beasts body disappeared and Erick was shoved into the light. What awaited him was bliss and horrid pain.

Peace came tonightand it whispered of death.

The End

Mr Cat Dog

Frasier says it best

Age 32
Male
London, UK
Seen September 29th, 2017
Posted July 12th, 2017
11,344 posts
19.1 Years
There were three main areas of concern for me with that fic. One was the use of proper nouns. Another was the use of periods and commas. The final one was the bit with the knife.

I'll start with the proper nouns. ALL proper nouns need to be capitalised. "Pokemon" is a proper noun, as well as all the different species of Pokemon, like Hypno. There were times when you just typed pokemon or hypno instead of capitalising the first letter.
Also - in dialogue, if someone is going to say "Bla Bla Bla" said Mr X, "Bla Bla Bla", then at the end of the first bit of dialogue needs to be a comma, exclamation mark, or question mark. No other use of punctuation. There were frequent times when you ended with a period, and it didn't look right.
The bit with the knife should have created a lot more tension. Yet... it seemed to be only one sentence, then forgotten about. Something as seriously as that should have been described more carefully, and with more emotive language - instead of being restricted to one sentence.

Now... the criticism over - time for the praise. ^_^ This is a VERY original fic you have here. The constant repetition of "pain" really gets to the reader, and although there was a bit much dialogue - this was the type of fic where it was needed, and description did take a backseat. Well done ^_^