Hello, Luphinid. It's been a while since I've ventured into a fiction, and even longer since I've reviewed one, but I'm going to give this a shot.
To me, this short story seemed to be about a deity overlooking his creation, an allegory to religion, perhaps. You wrote about how the "deity", which is what I will refer to the character who's point of view the story was told from, longed to be with or watch the human. To be honest, I'm still a little confused on a lot of the deeper meanings. That is, if they do exist and I'm not thinking about this a little too hard.
I noticed few mistakes, and most of them appeared to be only typographical errors. There was some awkward diction as well, and I'll do my best to find and show you all occurrences of these mistakes.
Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek
I know I have a deep longing
for these my thoughts to see sunlight, but they would ruin everything.
I can't be completely sure, but I'm under the impression that you forgot to delete the phrase 'my thoughts' from a previous revision. My first thought was that you merely forgot to separate the phrase with a pair of commas, but reading through the rest of the sentence, I saw that it wouldn't make much sense even with commas. If you meant to include that phrase, I'm sure that you could fit it in better if you restructured the sentence. However, if you choose to omit the given phrase, then you would have to revise the subordinate clause to keep the pronoun forms consistent throughout the entire sentence.
Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek
There's such a delicate balance established here, pairings of joy and incompleteness poised just so to complete your perfection.
Although not necessarily incorrect, it seems to be discordant. However, this may be a fallacy of my own.
Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek
Perhaps
my gaze might shift a molecule of your existence and derail its wondrously ordained course.
Small typo.
Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek
(But you see this is still a part of it, the new form you take on after
this alteration another aspect of your and the universe's perfection.)
I believe that there should be a comma in the section that I have bolded, between 'alteration' and 'another'.
Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek
A parasite that has caused nothing but suffering nudges its host's course into something better formed and
meeter than it could have been.
There are a few things I would like to say about this sentence. The first thing I would like to bring up is diction. I assume that by 'meeter', you mean 'assembled' or 'grouped'. However, given that not everyone on PC has such an expansive vocabulary, you may want to consider revising this so that your peers can understand the meaning of this sentence better. Second, although I understand that adding 'on its own' at the end of the sentence may not be necessary, since it is implied, it may be a worthy addition to better the overall structure of the sentence. To me, it seems that the sentence ends abruptly.
Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek
Only recently have I gained the decency to withdraw from all action and existence (unless thinking and watching are a trespass, and for me they should be): I've communed with intelligence only twice in the last stellar lifetime.
I rather liked this. I can't really say why, but I did. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek
It holds in itself a little of the human's being,
and as it were something higher and further still
'As if' would be a better choice to use. I don't see any way that a coordinating conjunction would be effective in that context.
Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek
Of course, the inevitable would happen: I would either be repulsed or forgotten, more worthy thoughts chosen above me.
Another small typo. I liked this sentence as well; it's a very effective depiction of how the deity considers himself worth less than the worries of the human.
Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek
I'm contented simply with the fact of your existence, I want to know that something like you is justifying itself with the beauty of its nature (like everything around me).
This is up to interpretation, but I think that it would be more effective to use a semicolon instead of a comma after 'existence'.
Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek
I don't think I'm part of the universe, I've become too alien, unaccustomed to it.
This is another instance where I think a semicolon would be more effective. In this case, the semicolon would replace the comma after 'universe'.
Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek
I only take the place of dying creatures, it
dull and shortens my sensation of their life while stealing the least possible portion of their lifespan from them, but this one was different.
It seems to me that 'dull' should be 'dulls', unless you had another meaning for it. The rest of the sentence seemed a little awkward. Perhaps some restructuring of the sentence will give it the free-flowing feel that it should have.
Originally Posted by Luphinid Silnaek
Her death was emphatically... red.
I liked this as well. It felt like the deity thought of her death as a curiosity, perhaps as something that s/he had never seen or experienced before.