The time has come

Started by Kishijoten November 2nd, 2009 8:11 PM
  • 509 views
  • 1 replies

Kishijoten

CEO of trouble making~

Female
Hong Kong
Seen July 5th, 2016
Posted August 5th, 2013
1,175 posts
15.3 Years
When the clock striked 12
our time had end.
When the time had come
our paths separate into
two different ways.
When the time had come we
no longer see each other
day after day like in the
old days.
When the time had
finally come we wave goodbye
not a tear shall be shed
for we stand strong
whether we see each other
by daylight or by never
by dawn. We can't cry
for we had know that
when the time has come
we have to pack our bags
and hit the road.
So, when the time arrives
for someone like you don't
hesitate but, just hit the
road because, after all
sometimes good bye is
a second chance.

>Current happiness level<
Low/Somewhat happy/Maxed out
My Pokemon White 2 FC: 4943-3337-1645
Art by: Midori Chi

seeker

Ireland
Seen November 1st, 2019
Posted May 20th, 2018
10,593 posts
14.1 Years
Well seeing as in you made two threads, and I really dont want to make two individual threads (which was annoying in my opinion), I'll tackle both your poems in one post k? Here it goes.

Precious memories makes
you weak but, only because
that's what it wants you
to think. When you experince
something sad it all adds
up to your memorie that
you have.
Precious family times are
always the worest thing you
want to think since it is
the powerfulest sorrow
that can actually make
you cry.
Precious memorie is
not always so sweet
it can always distract you on
your most unfortunate times.
Precious memorie's doe's
make you weak although
it can make you strong if
you have inner strength
to back things up.

I'd just like to say, this is no different to the other poems of yours in which I've read. You should listen to advice you've been given and not rush into writing more poetry as you've uploaded two more since yesterday, which is just overwhelming. Sure poetry sometimes doesn't take long to write but you should have taken the time to learn some more techniques and find inspiration in which to write about. Currently what I see here is a bunch of broken scentences which make little sense, as well as the poem having no meaning. I might as well write 14 random scentences with recurring words with no theme or aim. That's pretty much what this poem is. I'm trying to be offensive, believe me but poetry is an art. Art is often critisized, without it, how do you improve? If you're being patronised and told you're good, when you're not. you'll never improve. It's good to see you're getting the idea but your poetry REALLY needs work, you'll only improve if you study and stop rushing your poetry, I can tell you're rushing, I mean, two poems in one day, both haven't differend from the last I commented on. But anyway, I'm not going to just ramble on about this, I'll dive right into your first poem.

Precious memories makes
you weak but, only because
that's what it wants you
to think. When you experince
something sad it all adds
up to your memorie that
you have.


So, your memories (which you made plural, then later made it into a single thing by saying "it" rather that "they") are making you weak, yet they're actually only making you think that? This doesn't make sense I'm afraid. I would have changed that, or taken it out. "When you experince
something sad," a comma is needed here. You also spelt "experiance" wrongly. "It all adds up to your memorie that you have.", bad grammar, and not to mention you spelt "memory" wrongly. I would replace it with "It all adds up to your inner memory" or something, either way i dont like it. Not a good line and ceases to make great sense to me.


Precious family times are
always the worest thing you
want to think since it is
the powerfulest sorrow
that can actually make
you cry.


Somehow I dont think "Percious family times" are the worst memory you can think of. If they are "precious" they are not bad. If they were, you would not say "Percious". Other issues woould be the fact that "worest" and "powerfulest" are not words. So basically most of this is built up of random words and half assed scentences.Try to make sense when writing ipoetry, the reader should be able to sense the emotions from the words and not try to fingure out what you're trying to say. Sorry, but you really need to work on language before anything else.

Precious memorie is
not always so sweet
it can always distract you on
your most unfortunate times.
Precious memorie's doe's
make you weak although
it can make you strong if
you have inner strength
to back things up.


Again "Memorie" is not a word. Also "Precious memorie is not always so sweet" doesn't actually make sense. You will need to change that to "Precious memories are not always so sweet". Continue you to say "they can always distract you during your more unfortunate times." which is more correct. "Precious memorie's doe's make you weak although it can make you strong if you have the inner strength to back things up", okay, firstly the spelling mistakes, "memorie's" > "memories", "doe's" > "Does" (I think that's what you were trying to say). Next thing would be the contradictions. Some poets like to use what is called "contradictory language" and an example would be the renound poet "Eavan Boland". But in this case you've just stated that your memories can make you weak, yet they can make you strong BUT you need strength to "back things up", what things are these? You've also just stated that you need strenth for your memories to give you strength? I really dont understand what you're trying to say here. Again try to make your poems more clear.


When the clock striked 12
our time had end.


Try chaning this to "Our time ticked an end" or something along tose line. This ties in nicely with the image of time and a clock, but the way you have it now reads badly and is improper use of grammar.

When the time had come
our paths separate into
two different ways.


I wouldn't repeat "time again" here, it breaks flow, repeating the smae word twice in such a short time. I also may change "ways" to directions, that way you have a nice little technique called "alliteration".

When the time had come we
no longer see each other
day after day like in the
old days.

Again, using "time" so frequently really decreases depth and repitition of words such as the way in which you have used them, really tends to drag your poem and break flow. Flow is one of the most important things in poetry, without flow, your words aren't heard as clearly. I mean this in the oral sense as well as in the the liberal sense, if I could use that term. Again you've done the same with the word "day" and repeated it 3 times out of 8 words. So replace 2 of them.

When the time had
finally come we wave goodbye
not a tear shall be shed
for we stand strong
whether we see each other

Instead of replacing each and every "time" try just erasing some so that they don't pop up so often. It just seems as if you could not find anything better to use and shows lack of diversity within your poem. I would also put a comma in after "come" so that there is a much needed pause. Another after goodbye & shed.

by daylight or by never
by dawn. We can't cry
for we had know that
when the time has come
we have to pack our bags
and hit the road.

Oh dont understand why you've put in "by never" hear, it makes little sense and ended that run of flow you had going. "We can't cry
for we had know that when the time has come we have to pack our bags and hit the road." change this to "We can't cry
for we had known that when the time comes we would have to pack our bags and hit the road.", this is better and more understandable grammar. But other than that it's pretty basic wording so I would work on adding some better imagery other than "hit the road", but it's still better than most of your other work, you used what it is called "metaphorical langiage" by saying "hit the road" which is to embark on a journey, but again, it's pretty basic and try to use less obvious or over used metaphors. Such as the ones that we dont use from day to day during slag talk.

So, when the time arrives
for someone like you don't
hesitate but, just hit the
road because, after all
sometimes good bye is
a second chance.

"So when the time arrives for someone like you,don't
hesitate, bu, just hit the
road
as after all sometimes goodbye is a second chance."
Just added in what I felt should bet there. I wouldn't repeat the same metaphor twice, it really is a bad idea. It ruined the last few lines for me as it was bad repitition. See my above notes.

Overall you've improved in this poem. Still very basic and still lacking in depth in techniques and themes. But at least I know what it is about. Which is a big plus. So keep working, try reading some of the poetry by famous poets and see why they are so renound. I'll give you a little homework if you'd take it - Try looking up techniques commonly used in poetry. Insert them to your poetry. Look up different styles of poems and choose one to follow. Plan out your poem or a story which you will tell with your poem, and finally think of the themes you're going to use eg. Lonelyness, love, regret etc.
Finally, take your time there is no rushing in poetry, seriously. There is no need for it. Some poems have taken months of tweaking so thaat they will turn out to what they do. you have a long way to go but at least you're showing progress. Just write less poems and concentrate on one at a time and make sure you perfect it. You cant just jot down a bunch of broken scentences and call it a poem.
I hope that you'll take some of what I said in light and implement the ideas and suggestions into your poetry so that you can keep on that learning curve. So I expect to see more from you. hopefully not too soon, as you should take your time. Look up the history of poetry and become influenced by other poets!
So good luck and I'll await your next entry patiently.