miyuki. みゆき

Started by Careful With That Axe, Pichu! November 4th, 2009 11:45 PM
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  • 3 replies
Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
no veràs caer la nieve,
you won't see the falling snow,

dónde vas no cae siquiera el sol.
where you go, even the sun won't fall.

sòs un espiritu, y en navidad un delirio,
you're a spirit, and in Christmas a delirium,

te quiero tanto!

I love you so much!


seeker

Ireland
Seen November 1st, 2019
Posted May 20th, 2018
10,593 posts
14.1 Years
A short poem, not something I'm an expert in but I'll deliver my thoughts regardless.

you won't see the falling snow,
where you go, even the sun won't fall.
you're a spirit, and in Christmas a delirium,
I love you so much!


I couldn't give you a lot of advice on a quatrain as there isn't a lot I can say. I've heard of "miyuki" as a manga, but i looked it up anyway, and seen it means "beautifull show", which made more sense!
On to the poem anyhow.
wherever you go even the sun won't fall
Reads fine and everything but I was a little unclear of the meaning. I think you were portraying the fact that light wont reach wherever the person is. In that case it would have tied in with the first line nicely. I'm sure there is some deeper meaning to the "falling snow" in which the person in this poem cannot see. You could also change it to "Where ever you go", it is better language but it may have just been the translation.

you're a spirit, and in Christmas, a delirium,
I would add a comma in there. That's just me but I feel that line was in need of punctuation. I love this line however, the word "deliruim" couldn't have fit better. It's a really powerfull word due to it's meaning. A great line.
Overall I wish this poem had been longer. It really opens well and I think as an opening verse it would be chilling. It may have taken me a while to see your 3 referances to sight (possibly 4, which I'll explain). In each line. the last line I read and wasn't sure if you had made this hidden metaphor directly, "I love you", love having the all to famous comment "Love is blind". If you had mean that intentially it was extremely innovative, yet hard to spot. So your 4 referances to sight in each line, almost hidden also, really adds depth. Not being able to see snow in the first line, no light from the sun in the second, "delirium" in the third and of course "Love" being blind, in the fourth.
If you were to double the length or to increase it to a sonnet with the same depth I feel it would be amazing. But a great read, once I seen the depth I appreciated it a lot more. Let me know if I've read too much into this, but I always find it hard to see depth in short poems.
Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
Ah, it was just something silly I wrote carelessly, no need to analyze it deeply. Thanks for the advice!

It's for my brother, who passed away a couple years ago, and how I miss him in Christmas. I tried to express all I need to say in as few words as I could. The title of Miyuki is just the name of a friend I saw yesterday, and yes, her name can mean "beautiful snow".

About the comma... Do you really think it's needed there? For rhythm's sake, maybe... The poem was written in Spanish, and I know it goes better without it at that, I don't know about English though.

Thanks again though, I appreciate your input a lot.

seeker

Ireland
Seen November 1st, 2019
Posted May 20th, 2018
10,593 posts
14.1 Years
Well I felt I may have read too deeply into it. But I knew by the language it had a deeper meaning in which I couldn't see. My coldonlences.

As for the comma, I honestly thought it was a translation mistake, but in english, it would fit I believe. From the perpective of a short poem, it's always good to keep a decent amount of punctuation as you dont want the reader to ruch thorugh it. Though I do feel that all it needs is that one comma. Especially when the mood of the poem is some what downbeat rather than a poem with normal meter or rhythm.
Even if you do think it was quite quick, I think it's an interesting read for sure.