Secretly hating her

Started by Kishijoten December 19th, 2009 9:58 AM
  • 1064 views
  • 11 replies

Kishijoten

CEO of trouble making~

Female
Hong Kong
Seen July 5th, 2016
Posted August 5th, 2013
1,175 posts
15.3 Years
Earth, Wind, fire, and sea
when I call upon thee I see
hatred inside me.

Earth I call.
Earth I see.
Earth is where this
mortal is being seen.

Wind I hear.
Wind I feel.
Wind is what this
mortal seems to be.


Fire I hear
Fire I see
Fire is what her
weakness shall be.

Sea I call
Sea I hear
Sea is what I see when
a devasting wave is
being seen.

>Current happiness level<
Low/Somewhat happy/Maxed out
My Pokemon White 2 FC: 4943-3337-1645
Art by: Midori Chi

Pikachukid

Conquest needs a sequel

Age 29
Male
Yellow Forest
Seen January 13th, 2020
Posted January 10th, 2020
328 posts
13.7 Years
I don't really see how this is about you secretly hating "her" and I'm not comprehending "Sea shore sea". Methinks you should revise and edit this.
:chu:

Finished the FR/LG monotype a loooooong time ago. Not that anyone cares though.
Seen October 29th, 2012
Posted August 12th, 2010
68 posts
13.9 Years
Earth, Wind, fire, and sea
when I call upon thee I see
hatred inside me.

Earth I call.
Earth I see.
Earth is where this
mortal is being seen.

Wind I hear.
Wind I feel.
Wind is what this
mortal seems to be.


Fire I hear
Fire I see
Fire is what her
weakness shall be.

Sea I call
Sea I hear
Sea is what I say see her
by the sea shore sea.
I see the 'secret hate.' But I have some possible revisions you might want to consider. For the flow, I would recommend altering the line "hatred inside me" to "hatred inside of me" adding the extra syllable would really help.

And placing "mortal" on the end of the second-to last line of the Earth and Wind stanzas would even out the rhythm there.

The last stanza, I think, could be taken away and revised entirely.

--
Also, you have some shifts in punctuation. You didn't capitalize fire and sea in the first line, and you end the lines of the second stanza with full-stops and neglect to do that throughout the piece.
--

Feel free to ignore this comment; what do I know, honestly?

Kishijoten

CEO of trouble making~

Female
Hong Kong
Seen July 5th, 2016
Posted August 5th, 2013
1,175 posts
15.3 Years
I see the 'secret hate.' But I have some possible revisions you might want to consider. For the flow, I would recommend altering the line "hatred inside me" to "hatred inside of me" adding the extra syllable would really help.

And placing "mortal" on the end of the second-to last line of the Earth and Wind stanzas would even out the rhythm there.

The last stanza, I think, could be taken away and revised entirely.

--
Also, you have some shifts in punctuation. You didn't capitalize fire and sea in the first line, and you end the lines of the second stanza with full-stops and neglect to do that throughout the piece.
--

Feel free to ignore this comment; what do I know, honestly?

Well I won't ignore your comment. I understand what you were trying to say anyway. I guess it's a thank you? for pointing my mistakes out.

>Current happiness level<
Low/Somewhat happy/Maxed out
My Pokemon White 2 FC: 4943-3337-1645
Art by: Midori Chi
Earth, Wind, fire, and sea
when I call upon thee I see
hatred inside me.

Earth I call.
Earth I see.
Earth is where this
mortal is being seen.

Wind I hear.
Wind I feel.
Wind is what this
mortal seems to be.


Fire I hear
Fire I see
Fire is what her
weakness shall be.

Sea I call
Sea I hear
Sea is what I say see her
by the sea shore sea.
First of all I love how you infused elements within your poetry. The only thing that I find out of place is the last two lines. I feel as if they need better wording, only because they stray from the rhythm. At the same time poetry is one of those things that is meant to be interpreted, perhaps I'm just not understanding the last two lines.

Uecil

Unknown.
Seen March 20th, 2023
Posted May 7th, 2021
2,567 posts
13.5 Years
quiet good poem yeah shows hate but to whom



o



Seen October 29th, 2012
Posted August 12th, 2010
68 posts
13.9 Years



Well I won't ignore your comment. I understand what you were trying to say anyway. I guess it's a thank you? for pointing my mistakes out.
Ah, perhaps I was a little harsh? I take poetry rather seriously, and I am of the opinion that each time someone offers their views on the negative aspects of a piece the one who wrote it can choose to take what they deem valuable from that and perhaps avoid erring in future works. - Praise makes you feel good, criticism makes you better.

Sometimes I comment without considering the fact that the writer may not really want that kind of response, and I apologize if I put you out. Even if I didn't, I was out of line, really.

SkyBlue

I'm in love...with Ash!

Age 33
Female
Philippines
Seen March 7th, 2010
Posted February 21st, 2010
124 posts
13.5 Years
This is a very good poem, yet what I find detracting from it is the last two lines. Seriously, sea shore sea?

Try revising it a little bit. And probably adding a new stanza.

"Our hearts are made of fragile glass. One crack and we have no more heart. We must take care of it."

Kishijoten

CEO of trouble making~

Female
Hong Kong
Seen July 5th, 2016
Posted August 5th, 2013
1,175 posts
15.3 Years
This is a very good poem, yet what I find detracting from it is the last two lines. Seriously, sea shore sea?

Try revising it a little bit. And probably adding a new stanza.
As asked several times. I did change the last line. :3 I don't know why I putted sea shore she I ran out of rhymes apparently and I wanted to put "sea shore legue" but, I doubt that would of make sense either :/

>Current happiness level<
Low/Somewhat happy/Maxed out
My Pokemon White 2 FC: 4943-3337-1645
Art by: Midori Chi

seeker

Ireland
Seen November 1st, 2019
Posted May 20th, 2018
10,593 posts
14.1 Years
Well first off, the rhyming scheme in the entire poem is really rather jumpy and slips all over the meter and destroys any bit of a beat you had going. For instance, the rhyming scheme in the first verse goes (ignoring the fact that sea & see don't technically rhyme)
a
a
a
In the second there is none.
In the third and fourth verse there is none and both verses are exactly the same, bar th efirst word is changed in each line in the 4th verse and from there on it seems you're trying to do internal rhyming but by using the same words such as see & seen. Some of the poem doesn't even make any sense.

mortal is being seen.
Wind is what this
mortal seems to be.
I cant understand what you are trying to say here. Mortal means this
1. Liable or subject to death.
2. Of or relating to humankind; human: the mortal limits of understanding.
So I have no idea what you mean, mortal is being seen? Are you trying to say that death is approching in some obscure way or are you trying to say that a human is being seen whilst using bad grammar?
As for the second line... I have no idea.

Sea is what I see when
a devasting wave is
being seen.
You've added the same word/sound in three times all in one scentence. It sounds quite terrible and is grammarically incorrect. You're saying that you can see the ocean whilst there is a wave being seen, what meaning does this bear?
Other than that I cant really pick out much else. I didn't find anything promising to be honest. I'm not saying that you're doing poetry badly, there's no such a thing as it is an expression of ones memories or reflections. But this poem failed to show any depth nor did it make a great deal of sense. I've commented on two of your other poems hoping that you might work on some things but your technique is still a lot to be desired... I advise you begin with the basics and actually start to read poetry more. Robert Frost is a poet I admore, he's extremely easy to understand and his poems have a great deal of depth. Again, I don't meant to come down on you like a ton of bricks but I'm not going to sugar coat it, what good would it do.
Good luck with future works.