Crest of Royals

Started by Sgt Shock December 20th, 2009 8:00 PM
  • 628 views
  • 4 replies
Age 31
Male
Rokkenjima
Seen May 19th, 2014
Posted November 7th, 2013
385 posts
13.9 Years
Crest of Royals

Author's notes: I hope that you like this story as much as I do. I don't have much to say about this although it is in the fantasy world of Dargath. Hope that you like it because I am nervous as heck putting this one on.

Prologue: Immoral Elegies

The atmosphere buckled under the pressure of the room as the condescending glares around the rectangular table locked upon him. The gazes of several different hues were familiar scenery of blue, green, and violet. Everyone knew that would take the side of the children of Chaos. It should not have come as any surprised. King Ashgard wetted his lips and throat with wine that was hardly touched until that moment.

“If the princess wanted to do any harm,” Ashgard spoke richly. “She would have drowned the entire town within seconds with her waves.” Ashgard brought his eyes to view the expression of the council.

“It’s not the fact that she wouldn’t…” a man with dark skin. His eyes were the color of the violent portion of the regular scenery. “It is the fact that we stopped her.”

The person in question, a half dragon princess, entered into the sea town of K’allira. Her work was only to be a professional mediator between the uses of the sea. However, they couldn’t overlook the sheer fact that she was the Levia, one of four races within the Shoutu region. Being that as it may, the children of Goddess of Harmony looked down at her like she was nothing less than peasant. That happened too often for Ashgard’s taste. It would take his persuasion to release her from the prison. That’s the reason the council was held.

King Ashgard ran his large hands through his dark brown hair. He was actually surprised it hasn't lost its color by now. It was only slightly seasoned with gray here and there. He prepared himself to speak.

“I’m trying my hardest to mend the relationships between the people of Shoutu and people of Kaital continents. Please look at it my way,” Ashgard beckoned.

“If they ever walked in my territory,” Grikk, the Dwalven King, barked. “I would give them something that they would never forget.”

“You also have to see it our way,” Selina spoke. She was the High Elf queen and served as the mediator between both sides. She often toyed with her white hair when she spoke. “If we allow this to go any further, they might feel too comfortable in kingdoms. Deep setting scars doesn’t disappear easily, Ashgard.”

“I want that. I want them to live comfortably in our region and vice versa…” Ashgard sighed as he said that.

Ashgard dug his face into the palms of his dark skinned hands. He rubbed them against his face feeling the wrinkles underneath his purple colored eyes. He was getting older despite his stature being as meaty and tall as his youth. He could no longer do many of the things that he once done. Maybe persuasion was one of those skills dwindling down into nothingness.

“Why don’t we just kill them all,” Magnus shouted; it was very like him to shout things with so many consequences.

“What would that achieve?” Ashgard’s eyes darted towards him.

“That we are definitely better than that trash across the God Divide,” Magnus twirled hair of his deep black beard around his claw-like fingers. “I can always whip
up a Millennium Spell this occasion.”

“NO,” Ashgard shouted.

“That is ridiculously…” Selina agreed while her diamond colored eyes sharply gazed at Magnus.

“I’m for it,” Grikk mentioned matter-of-factly.

Ashgard wanted to scream at the top of his lungs while yanking both Grikk and Magnus from their seats. Why couldn’t they see those people across the canyon had lives just like they did? They just viewed them as trash between their feet. They couldn’t understand or they wouldn’t understand. He had bit of difficulty understanding which one applied.

“King Ashgard, may I say something?”

The King of Humans waved off to give his chancellor the chance to speak. Haul, Ashgard’s chancellor for forty years, was a wise man that always knew what to say and when to say. Aging hasn’t been kind to him. His long white hair with fragile blue eyes observed table as he staggered to weak his legs. He was dying—it was evident in his movements.

“King Ashgard,” a young knight approached the king before the chancellor could speak properly.

“It better be important,” Ashgard warned as he straightened his blue and gold robe. He gave another glance at the knight. He was the chancellor’s son as seen by the crackle in his voice and the length his hair. “What is it, Gareth?”

“There is a messenger in the main hall. Can you entertain them?” Gareth asked.

Ashgard heaved loudly before looking around. The three other royalties seemed not to mind the interruption so he silently asked for their request to momentarily leave. Pleased with the calm reactions of the other royalties, he arose from his chair. He exited soon after leaving the room quietly.

“I have news for all of you,” Haul spoke softly. He only proceeded when the king’s footstep matched the tone of his voice.

“We are listening…” Selina said brushing the locks of her hair from her pointed face. She pulled them around her pointed ears.

“I want all of you to be as calm as possible when I say this…” Haul warned.

“Depending on what the news is,” Grikk grumbled with his crimson beard moving up and down.

“King Ashgard…is going to die today…” Haul’s calm voice solidified. He was indeed serious.

The loss of air swept through the room like a wave on the beach. Selina brought her thumb to her mouth surprised dearly on the situation. Her already colorless face seemed to have lost any remaining hue left. She clutched her fingers tightly to her palm.

Grikk clutched the crimson braid of his hair as he waited for the chancellor to continue. His chubby finger rapped viciously against the wooden table. His skin had too flushed to a light tan instead of his normal darker tone. He clinched his teeth.

Magnus, however, seemed to be pleased. His already crooked smile, expanded like water into ice, cracking its original limits upon his dark skinned face. He had that look of “finally” on his face. He grinned as his placed his elbows on the table.

“It is known that King Ashgard is against the war of Sho’s children,” the chancellor smirked on what appeared to be stationary lips at first.

“This is sudden…” Selina’s voice lost its silkiness.

“It is happening as we speak, milady,” Haul bowed. “An assassin from the Faded Twilight is his messenger--a messenger of death,” Haul closed his eyes.

“I suppose this is for a more favorable king…?” Grikk questioned.

“His son—the eldest of three…” Haul realized the number only after he said it.

“Three?” Selina questioned. From memory, she couldn’t only remember two.

“Third is an illegitimate child for say. He is going to be our little fodder,” Haul eyes opened.

“That is very immoral….”

“What if I said it was half-orc,” Haul pondered.

The three royals turned to each other. They shared an expression. The last child—the middle child in the family—was a half-orc. That was clearly a taboo that couldn’t be ignored. Selina seemed to mind it the least while the other two appeared to be disgusted. They whispered amongst themselves before speaking again.

“Well that puts a new dimension on things…” Grikk said wincing.

“He was trying to make a better world for his son…” Selina whispered to herself.

“Ha. Sounds like a plan to me!” Magnus roared in a fit of happiness.

Silence dominated the room now and the tension seemed to be lifted to be replaced by the linger stench of remorse. There was no way to stop it now. King Leis von Ashgard the XIX will be dead before the sun reached its height. It was only a matter of waiting now. The sound of conflict erupted from the other end of the castle. It had started.

"To me, jumping out into the rainy sky on a mad night is nothing more than a bit of fun to go with a drink." -Kinzo

patch.

listen what I say, oh

Age 27
Male
The Sky with Diamonds.
Seen September 15th, 2013
Posted October 29th, 2010
215 posts
13.7 Years
Interesting. I'll give a review; I have the time.

Who is being brainless now?!? Argh!!!”
I'm going to start by saying I hate repeated use of exclamation marks, and in some cases, question marks. That could much easily have been, "Who is being brainless now? Argh!"

Also, I'm finding a large lack of non-speech going on here. Something like this is perfectly acceptable:

"Who is being brainless now? Argh!" he yelled, slamming his fist on the table for emphasis. He scowled menacingly, digging his face into the palm of his hand, somewhat embarrassed.

Then go on about the somewhat info dump about what we're doing.

Here, I'd like to point out your sentences are a little hard to understand.

The people of the Kaital Continent, the forces of the Goddess Karela, were ready for a war despite the teaching of Karela to try to keep peace among strife. The council however could never see it his way.
All I can really say here is a lack of proper punctuation. Things like: "the forces of the Goddess - Karela - were ready for war, despite her heavenly teachings." or something similar. I'm also presuming the 'council' is some sort of party, in which it should be capitalised? "The Council, however, could never see it this? way."

quietly frankly
Quietly frankly indeed. =P

To be the Goddess of Harmony's children, they were more than ready for war.
This sentence made absolutely zero sense to me.

They collaborated to create the God Divide, a canyon filled to the rim with Aether.
If I was somebody coming across new terms, multiple questions spring to mind:

  • What is Aether?
  • How is Aether used?
  • Why did they do this?
  • How did it stop the wars?
  • What did it achieve?

King Leis von Ashgard the XIX have been told to stay away from the Shoutu
I spy some tense problem: shouldn't it be, 'King Leis von Ashgard the XIX had been told to stay away from the Shoutu'.

How come it was only acceptable to fall in love with someone in only the Kaital? To even speak with them was sin. Love should be unconditional.
So you're rebelling against Shoutu cruelty, then the way you read it from there seems to say that Kaital are wrong and speaking with them is a sin. Might want to rephrase that.

His skin wasn't real dark and wasn't real light either, a gift from his mother and father.
Surely that could have been done better as, 'He was coloured, a result from his mother and father being opposite cultures.' or something similar.

He was
He is; he's not dead.

King Ashgard stroked the hairs of his chin
You could probably just call him 'Ashgard' from here out; we know who he is.

Selina, the Queen of the High Elves
I can't help but notice you're on a Warcraft stealing spree. =P

Though the wisest out of all of the royalty in attendance, albeit
There is no need for the 'albeit'; it's out of place. If it had been something like, 'She was through and through the wisest of all the royalty in attendance, albeit a bit too close to her allies.' Albeit, I think literally, means something along the lines of 'although' mixed with 'but'.

The conversion spanned for several moments including people from Ashgard’s own advisors.
people from = some of?
A comma after moments could also be used.

was said-especially by his council-which happened
Hehe.
Should be, 'was said - especially by his council - which happened'. I think the italics works quite well on the his, though that's your decision.

“It is unsettling to have these races on my pure ground,” Selina spoke softly.
Wait, I thought we had a 'God Divide' here? How did they get across?

“It's only false. Those heathens are bound to attack again!” Magnus had the
tendency of shouting things unreasonably, this one of these times.
Damn them ninjas who randomly press the return key! >->

An assassin, do you think that is enough to kill a king.
"An assassin, do you think that is enough to kill a pking?" Grikk asked, a hint of humour in his gruff voice. "You severely underestimate him, Haul."

The assassin is from Faded Twilight Guild.
I'm pretty sure you're missing a the there.

There were a few more errors, though I'm not really in the mood to go find the rest in the last two paragraphs or so. It was well-written - somewhat, anyway. =P - and was a nice opening to the story, if a bit of an info-dump.

Hope to see this do well, anywho.
Back. With some boss sunglasses.
Age 31
Male
Rokkenjima
Seen May 19th, 2014
Posted November 7th, 2013
385 posts
13.9 Years
Very interesting. I'll make some of the changes. It was a bit of an info-dump once I look at it. The world is much more expansive than this. So I will rework it with the errors done. X_x I didn't think I made that many. Anyway thanks, .patch. :D

Normally, this is not something that I would do. Yet this world is a bit expansive not to have the setting solidified early. X_x At any other time at the story it would look more of a matter-of-fact kind of thing because it is going to focus more on the people not the world. I'll rework this however since I myself didn't like it that much.

"To me, jumping out into the rainy sky on a mad night is nothing more than a bit of fun to go with a drink." -Kinzo

patch.

listen what I say, oh

Age 27
Male
The Sky with Diamonds.
Seen September 15th, 2013
Posted October 29th, 2010
215 posts
13.7 Years
.patch. :D
That should be written as patch., if I'm not mistaken. ;D

Anywho, yeah, it's interesting, you just need to write it better as a start. Drag people in.
Back. With some boss sunglasses.
Age 31
Male
Rokkenjima
Seen May 19th, 2014
Posted November 7th, 2013
385 posts
13.9 Years


That should be written as patch., if I'm not mistaken. ;D

Anywho, yeah, it's interesting, you just need to write it better as a start. Drag people in.
Sorry. I was distraught and became dyslexic due to it. lol. Anyway, patch. the new prologue should be up shortly. I wrote the prologue after I wrote the first chapter so its shotty. X( Keep an eye out.

UPDATE: I just recently changed the entire thing. I didn't like it. So check it out.

"To me, jumping out into the rainy sky on a mad night is nothing more than a bit of fun to go with a drink." -Kinzo