Virtual Wars

Started by 1ninjadude1701 January 23rd, 2010 3:29 PM
  • 771 views
  • 3 replies
Age 26
Male
Seen January 5th, 2014
Posted March 6th, 2013
202 posts
14.6 Years
here's chapter 1

It was two thousand thirty nine when technology broke through. There was a new game on the market called Virtual Wars. Virtual Wars is a game where you enter a virtual galaxy roaming with enemies. These robots are killing machines with sharp teeth as sharp as a butchers knife, red piercing eyes and a blaster so powerful it will vaporize anyone in a single hit. But when you die in game you return to the real world. One solider, Kenny, is the newest solider on the list and is in training on a planet called Core X a water planet where lots of robots like to infiltrate. “Alright Kenny now is your final test and first mission. Kill five robots and its chopper.” The Commander explained. “But where is my blaster?” Kenny asked. “Oh right.” The Commander walked to a table with a blaster pistol. “This will start you out as increase in rank and find more chips you will be able to enhance your blaster. Now go and complete your mission.” Kenny went off onto the beach. He saw two scout robots wondering around a scout vehicle from there unit. Kenny hid behind a tree reloading his weapon. He peaked out. The robot held out his hand to his partner held out a pistol and blasted the tree he hid behind to bits. “Oh crap.” He said. Kenny blasted at the robots. Each and every shot hit but only the last one did damage. The robot, advancing, stuck out his arm with the blaster in it and fired at Kenny. He summer salted away from all of them. “Crap.” the robot said Kenny reloaded and took a charge shot and the robot was blasted to bits. When he thought all was well the last one, which he totally forgot about, leaped on him and tried to bite his head off he kicked it away and shot it. The robot fell backward and leaped up. He took a charge shot at it and the robot blew up and something flew at him it was a chip the Commander described to him. He stuck it in his blaster and his blaster grew longer. He shot it at a tree and it vaporized. “Cool he mumbled the chopper was on it’s way. “Here comes the party.” He said to himself. He zoomed in on the chopper and blasted. It was down. Now for the three other robots.
Spartan ID




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Clain

Seen January 24th, 2023
Posted March 12th, 2011
4,293 posts
14.4 Years
Okay so here we go :D :

- A new paragraph is needed not only for new ideas but separated dialogue, this allows for the story to be much more easily understood and read.

- Detail. It is one's best friend (and sometimes one's worst enemy) but I find that your story lacks it, especially if this were a first chapter. My suggestion would be to edit this to be more like a prologue and instead, give more of a background on the new technology and such. You want the reader to believe they are in the year 2039, and not just thrown into a virtual reality game.

- Continuity is something that even good authors always have to keep tabs on. What we might perceive to make sense in our head may not translate as such on paper. Thus, that is to say we are briefly introduced to the game, then somehow or other Kenny is playing it. Sometimes it helps to backtrack further so as not only be able to explain how he came upon the game, but also to help explain his personality. In so doing, this can help the reader formulate how and why Kenny might react in the game.

Also the sentence "It was two thousand thirty nine when technology broke through." is quite generic, technology everywhere always has its breakthrough. Aside from 'Virtual Wars', what makes that year special?

- Length. While many a times (especially for a prologue) it is not exclusively important, a chapter has a good length, for the reader to get a good grasp at what is happening.

It often times helps to read other people's works, and indeed ask lots of questions if need be. :)

Hope that helps.

Feign

Clain

Seen January 24th, 2023
Posted March 12th, 2011
4,293 posts
14.4 Years
Ah, that's what I forgot to mention. I was going to say that otherwise, I liked the idea and premise of your story. It reminded of eXistenZ and .hack//sign, two interesting medias.