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the kill,how i want it (rated PG-14)

fango pango

fango pango

This fire burns, always.
    • 117
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen Aug 17, 2016
    The scenes in this story may contain bloody violence,so dont show a 4 year old kid ok
    anyway
    this is my first fic and i did write it by the way,i did everything for this story and its a story i made at school,im showing you the way i want it
    so here we go :)
    _____________________________________________________________________________________________________
    PROLOGUE
    It happened about 16 years ago, on May 13th 1994, it all happened so fast, as if it happened in slow motion just for me to feel the pain, all in one sentence. That sentence was
    "Joey, I don't love you anymore, I don't think i ever did," I was shocked at what i was hearing. When i asked what she meant, still coming back from the shock i got from what she said, she added insult to injury and replied
    "I'm in love with Jake, I always have been. I know that now." As I watched her give me one last kiss, then walk away into the mist, my eyes started filling with tears. I realised that I had nothing to live for now, all because of my ******* brother Jake.

    Now 16 years after that incident i came back from a mental institution, with one thing on my mind. Revenge!

    THE KILL

    _________________________________________________________________
    rate and review please
    i want to know if i did good :)
    ​
     
    I usually only do reviews for two reasons. One, because the author is in desperate need of help, and two, because I see potential in the fic. :D

    And right now, I'm seeing moderate potential if you pull this off correctly because I like gore fics and splatter fiction. XD

    fango pango said:
    (Okay, first off, don't center the story. It's annoying. Align left or Justify.)
    PROLOGUE

    The incident(because you use 'it' after this so it's kind of repetitive.) happened about 16 years ago on May 13th 1994. It all happened so fast, as if it were happening(if not it sounds repetitive for some reason.) in slow motion {just for me to feel the pain, all in one sentence.}(I suggest this part be reworded because it's kinda awkward. While I understand what you're trying to convey, it makes the reader stumble and look back.)

    (As a dialogue tag 'that sentence was' should end with a comma.)That sentence was,"Joey, I don't love you anymore, I don't think I('I' to denote the first person speaker is always capitalised.) ever did." I was shocked at what I was hearing. When I asked her what she meant, still recoiling(The word recoiling sounds better in this context.) from the shock I got from what she said, she added insult to injury and replied,"I'm in love with Jake, and(Either you end the sentence with a period, or you add an 'and' to avoid a run-on sentence.) I always have been. I know that now." As I watched her give me one last kiss(Reword this part because it sound like you're implying that he watched this from afar and didn't actually experience it.),and walk away into the mist, my eyes started filling with tears. I realised that I had nothing to live for now, all because of my ******* brother Jake.

    Now 16 years after that incident I'm back from a mental institution(Unnecessary comma.) with one thing on my mind. Revenge!
    ​

    THE KILL

    ​
    Click to expand...
    Apart from the Logic Nazi in me screaming at you as to why someone would hold such a grudge for such a long time, whilst wanting to target his brother, I'm seeing potential in this fic because the onl person who'd do such a thing would be someone who's mentally unsound. Psychotic murderers (in fiction) ftw. XD
     
    ok
    read what you said

    laughed
    made sense of the bits i could
    and now im thinking about it
    thinking about the bits i should improve (this was a quick type up from what i could remember and what i wanted to add,i put thought into it aswell,and am trying my best to think of the next bit ^_^)
    and he was imagining he was getting kissed (makes weird movements with his arms)
    and also
    i believe he would know why he got sent there even if it was 16 yrs lol
    but thanks for your advice and ill try to make it seem like a did try to include it during my next chapter,well
    ill make it so that i include most bits i understnad ;)
     
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