My Balloon.

Started by Ayselipera February 14th, 2010 12:57 PM
  • 695 views
  • 4 replies
Lots of criticism and general thoughts would be highly appreciated!



My Balloon

This balloon is renowned
it has been all over town.
From the prison to the people
the priest had seen it in the steeple.

Past the priest and to the farm
animals viewed it from the barn.
Over hills, into the valley
flying by the concourse rally.

workers in the factory saw it rising high
the children in the school, waved to it goodbye.
Crack the shutters and watch it go
like a serene river this balloon surely flows.

Above the brook and through the trees
to a distant island surrounded by sea
This balloon is my own.
My balloon has finally found its home.
Age 29
Male
Seen October 13th, 2021
Posted February 2nd, 2017
1,093 posts
13.8 Years
Some things that you take for granted are neat topics for a poem.
Yet, your capitilization and proper grammar in poetry needs a little modification.
Also half of the rhymes used don't necessarily rhyme too well.

In general, you did fine. All you need is little extra effort and accuracy.

Esper

California
Seen June 30th, 2018
Posted June 30th, 2018
A balloon makes me think of children and innocence so I like the contrast of mentioning a prison, and the image of people stopping whatever they're doing to look at it like it's more important than just a balloon. Or maybe it's a hot air balloon with someone on it.

I was hoping for more of a punch at the end: the balloon disappearing, someone catching it, someone waiting for it to come back, someone escaping with it, etc. It's not a bad ending though.

Don't worry about the rhymes not being perfect. They flow well when you read it and that's more important than sticking to rigid rules.

seeker

Ireland
Seen November 1st, 2019
Posted May 20th, 2018
10,593 posts
14.1 Years
Rather contemporary theme/view for a poem is a baloon but I like those who can take a look at ordinary life and write about the simple things as it brings home the fact that life isn't always about money, fame, recognition etc. etc.

So let's take a quick run down of each verse shall we?

This balloon is renowned
it has been all over town.
From the prison to the people
the priest had seen it in the steeple.
One thing I noticed was that each line brought another syllable. It went from 6 to 7 to 8 to 9. Was that intentional? It's a neat technique, something I haven't seen too often when reading poetry. Most poets tend to stick within a common format of meter such as every line having ten syllables going from short to long per syllable (iambic pentameter). In any case, the verse seems fine I dont think I need to point out any notable points for changing.

Past the priest and to the farm
animals viewed it from the barn.
Over hills, into the valley
flying by the concourse rally.
Meter is more consistant here, which is different to the first verse. It has more of a beat as it tends to stay in around 7-8 syllables. It's always something you should keep an eye on if you're aiming for flowing poetry. One thing I was unsure of and that was the use of language when you said "concourse rally". A concourse means a metting of pathways or roads correct? Rally being the collection. A collection of concourse's doesn't make a great deal of sense in my eyes, I could be wrong but just watch out for that and do correct me if I've missed something.

workers in the factory saw it rising high
the children in the school, waved to it goodbye.
Crack the shutters and watch it go
like a serene river this balloon surely flows.
Much longer verse than the others, neter wise. You're using in and around 12 syllables per line here but I guess it does have a beat but it is a little long winded.
The capitalisation of "Crack" is uneeded and throughou the poem I've noticed you've been capitalising some words at the beginning of some sentences. You should either be consistant in your capitilisation or dont capitalise at all. In other words, if you're going to capitalise a word at the start of a sentence that isn't really necessary, you should do it in all. Otherwise this verse seems to be good.

Above the brook and through the trees
to a distant island surrounded by sea
This balloon is my own.
My balloon has finally found its home.
Meter is rugged in this verse. You should try adding more syllables to the third line if you're concerned about your rhythm. Again just watch capitalisation, full stops should be a little more consistant in this, in each verse they're in different places. Not a big issue but it can affect flow.

All in all it is a good poem, the rhyming scheme worked well. It was very simple yet effective. It's not easy to write about ordinary things and still have depth. But I did like it, you just need to watch some minor things. You have some euphoric sounds such as "crack", they can always be useful in a poem such as this. Just work on meter, punctuation and use of capaitalisation as well as anythig else I mentioned. They're minor things but they'll fine tune your poetry.
I enjoyed this and I look forward to future works.
One thing I noticed was that each line brought another syllable. It went from 6 to 7 to 8 to 9. Was that intentional? It's a neat technique, something I haven't seen too often when reading poetry. Most poets tend to stick within a common format of meter such as every line having ten syllables going from short to long per syllable (iambic pentameter). In any case, the verse seems fine I dont think I need to point out any notable points for changing.
No it wasn't intentional at all. I was just trying to make everything rhyme. I guess I was unknowingly doing something not seen too often.


Meter is more consistant here, which is different to the first verse. It has more of a beat as it tends to stay in around 7-8 syllables. It's always something you should keep an eye on if you're aiming for flowing poetry. One thing I was unsure of and that was the use of language when you said "concourse rally". A concourse means a metting of pathways or roads correct? Rally being the collection. A collection of concourse's doesn't make a great deal of sense in my eyes, I could be wrong but just watch out for that and do correct me if I've missed something.
Well I was trying to add a word that you don't see everyday and after looking it up I read that concourse meant a gathering of people. Then I looked up rally and it said to call people together for a common action. So I was going for a gathering of people together for a common action. I was a little unsure too when adding those words together, but I figured I might as well try it.

Much longer verse than the others, neter wise. You're using in and around 12 syllables per line here but I guess it does have a beat but it is a little long winded.
The capitalisation of "Crack" is uneeded and throughou the poem I've noticed you've been capitalising some words at the beginning of some sentences. You should either be consistant in your capitilisation or dont capitalise at all. In other words, if you're going to capitalise a word at the start of a sentence that isn't really necessary, you should do it in all. Otherwise this verse seems to be good.
Well the whole time I wasn't sure whether or not sentences should be incorporated, but I felt like if I only added in commas then the reader would loose the flow. Crack was capitalized because the last line had ended with a period so I thought I had to. I realize now that I missed some capitalization.

Meter is rugged in this verse. You should try adding more syllables to the third line if you're concerned about your rhythm. Again just watch capitalisation, full stops should be a little more consistant in this, in each verse they're in different places. Not a big issue but it can affect flow.
I purposely wanted the third line to be be shorter and have less syllables. I thought in a way that it was suppose to surprise the reader. Meaning the whole time your following a balloon and then suddenly you find out it's the author's balloon. I sort of saw it as the climax of the poem, if poems have climaxes. So by being shorter I wanted it stand out. Is that something I shouldn't have done?

Thanks for taking your time to be so in depth. I really appreciate that!