The Golden One.

Started by SL1MSHADY February 16th, 2010 5:29 PM
  • 569 views
  • 4 replies
Male
Pallet Town
Seen July 25th, 2016
Posted April 3rd, 2012
318 posts
14.9 Years
Here's a love poem I had to write for english:

The Golden One

My love is like the sea
My love is just for you and me.
When we first met, my eyes were glued
to the angelic face that belonged to you.

My love is like the smog that fills L.A.
But, hey, what else can I say,
With you is where i want to stay.

It is you the plants revolve around, not the sun
It is you, and only you, that I love, Oh Golden One.

Please critize.
WATCH THE THRONE

Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 28
He/They
Nimbasa Gym
Seen October 3rd, 2022
Posted September 27th, 2022
3,488 posts
14.3 Years
You know, I'm not sure I get what you mean by this simile:

My love is like the smog that fills L.A.
I mean . . . isn't smog usually disgusting, dark, annoying, and makes you feel sick? Those are the impressions I get first up; I kind of maybe might (XD) understand what you're shooting for here, but you need to make it clearer, because at the moment, that simile kills your entire poem.
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Male
Nowhere and everywhere at the same time
Seen May 18th, 2014
Posted July 14th, 2011
513 posts
14.1 Years
You know, I'm not sure I get what you mean by this simile:

I mean . . . isn't smog usually disgusting, dark, annoying, and makes you feel sick? Those are the impressions I get first up; I kind of maybe might (XD) understand what you're shooting for here, but you need to make it clearer, because at the moment, that simile kills your entire poem.
I personally think it may mean that it won't go away, since there is always smog in L.A.(Or at least, from what I've heard...)

Anyway, it was a fairly nice read. Though the similes do seem a little strange, and the meter is a little off. Just work on that a little and you'd be a wonderful poet!

^ This one is 500 px long for sure >_>