A Sestina

Started by seeker February 17th, 2010 10:19 AM
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  • 3 replies

seeker

Ireland
Seen November 1st, 2019
Posted May 20th, 2018
10,593 posts
14.1 Years
Sestina

I sing for absolution, We want change
They cast distractions to avert our eyes
This world's pollution will begin to rise
Derailed by passion, strung by lunacy
This sphere has been a home to all we love
We have a purpose which cant fall again

Just one more sunset and the moon will rise
War stricken land will feel pain once again
New lust, gunshot cancer kills all love
This war cannot be justified by change
The scars will heal but not our tainted eyes
To fight for peace is just lunacy

The answer is there to take but again
People strive for sucess and rarely change
Thier ways are lost with lunacy
Abnegation is but dirt in our eyes
We work together when it's love
We search for wealth so our noses may rise

This pain can only lead to lunacy
The clock of despair strikes twelve, peace must rise
It's too late, they have starved to their eyes
A four foot coffin meets the ground again
They don't need your coins, what they need is change
Has humainty lost it's will to love?

You lost your trust in them, you lost your love
But hate, in your heart, brought lunacy
To kill an innocent, does it bring change?
As you come to terms, guilt begins to rise
You cant shake the fear, so you kill again
You took a life, there's nothing in your eyes

It's hard to know the joy before our eyes
But life is twisted with more than just love
We accept that life is tough so again
We just let our minds drive to lunacy
It's nice to know love when turmoil rises
Absolution will come, so accept change.

We all change, before our misguided eyes
Hate will rise, but we will make room for love
When the world falls to lunacy, live, laugh, again.

Esper

California
Seen June 30th, 2018
Posted June 30th, 2018
Sestinas aren't easy, are they? Choosing the right six words can be tricky. I’m not quite sure where you were going with this poem. You didn’t give it a very telling title so I feel like perhaps you weren’t sure where you were going with this either. I'm getting a lot of themes all at once: change and turmoil, lunacy, pain, love, peace – they’re all good themes, but they don’t really put an image in my head they way some of your other lines do, like this one:
Just one more sunset and the moon will rise
It’s hopeful and at the same time ominous. I really like this line. I'd like to have seen more lines like it. A line like that speaks to me a lot more than one like this:
To fight for peace is just lunacy
You followed the structure well (had one or two typos, but who really cares), but I found it strange you made every line a separate sentence. That’s not a criticism, just an observation. Any particular reason? If there was one thing I didn’t like it was that the poem seemed too rhetorical, that is, too many words without enough imagery. Too much tell and not enough show.

seeker

Ireland
Seen November 1st, 2019
Posted May 20th, 2018
10,593 posts
14.1 Years
This poem can really bring a messsage. Just focus on what the words are saying, and almost any poem can be understood.
Also, you did pretty well on the structure of a sestina poem. In fact, before this, I don't think I've known much about it.
Thanks for the kind comment. Sestina's aren't very popular, and for a reason, they can take a lot of work. I prefer a simple sonnet myself XD

Sestinas aren't easy, are they? Choosing the right six words can be tricky. I’m not quite sure where you were going with this poem. You didn’t give it a very telling title so I feel like perhaps you weren’t sure where you were going with this either. I'm getting a lot of themes all at once: change and turmoil, lunacy, pain, love, peace – they’re all good themes, but they don’t really put an image in my head they way some of your other lines do
Sestinas are difficult, it's true, they can take a lot of work but it's worth the effort if you can get one down on paper. As for stating that you feel I dont know where 'm going with it, I do, and I did. Each verse brings a new theme with possible sub themes. It all links under human existance and what our world has now become. I didn't name it because I didn't really have a title that could sum it up, not yet anyway. I don't think I need one greatly. The themes may not be completely clear at a glance but my poetry tends to be cryptic and often a strictly personal accounts in places. I didn't work on imagery strongly in this one, I did however make strong imagery when I did. such as "A four foot coffin meets the ground again"
After I reply entirely I'll do a run down of each verses themes.

You followed the structure well (had one or two typos, but who really cares), but I found it strange you made every line a separate sentence. That’s not a criticism, just an observation. Any particular reason? If there was one thing I didn’t like it was that the poem seemed too rhetorical, that is, too many words without enough imagery. Too much tell and not enough show.
I didn't notice the typo's, I'll most certainly review them. Thanks for making the observation, I can be careless with my typing at times.
As for each line being a seperate sentence, it was intentional as I tried to make a new point within each line of each theme, almost for arguement sake but mainly because I had so many points to get across. I tended to bend flow a small bit indeed, but without going overboard, it's just a new style I was attempting and I think for such a personal account of the world's ways, it was necessary.
Imagery is just a technique, it's not needed in every poem. I would also disagree in saying that I don't have enough of it. I did say that I drew back on it a little but I still have many lines in which pose strong imagery. However I think I know why you may have missed it, my lines are quite crypted as I say, a lot of my imagery has been posed through metaphors. But I shall run down each theme now.

Verse 1:
A look at how we have neglected our world in many ways. More of a general theme.

Verse 2:
War, this verse was a view on soldiers finishing a day a war, knowing their fellow friends have been killed and thinking of how their loved ones will cope if they were to be killed "gunshot cancer kills all love", meaning a fatal bullet wound can kill all the love a person can have, either the one who was killed or those who love them, or both.

Verse 3:
Selfishness, this is a look at how selfish people have become, how "abngeation" (meaning giving something up to benefit another) is now just nothing to us, how it has beecome dirt in our eyes, uneeded, or so we think. I would say most of the verse is easy enough to comprehend however.

Verse 4:
Poverty/Hunger, this was sprung primarily by what I had seen of Haiti. It's a view of all those who struggle in day to day life without the basic necessities. The image of a "four foot coffin" was used to bring home the view of how many children suffer, younger than myself, and most who are on this forum even, with things we could never imagine and die in the process. It's one of my stronger verses as I feel it's somthing that could really be sorted out on this planet and this verse intentially follows verse 3's theme of how selfish we are for a reason.
"They don't need your coins, what they need is change", this is a veiw of a beggar, who does not need "coin" change, they need a change in how the world works, how they live.

Verse 5:
Murder, simply that, it needs to stop.

Verse 6:
Forgivness/Love, this was me trying to shed the light f peace on the situation, if we promote peace, love & forgiveness, then there is a lot less for us to be ashamed of.

And verse 7 is more of a synopsis if anything, or advice, for those who wish to listen.