Heart as black as mind

Started by ~Ozy~ October 30th, 2004 12:16 PM
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  • 6 replies

~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
This I wrote really quickly to try my hand at writing from the perspective of one of my RP characters, a formerly good vampire who fell into evil, chaos, and death. Tell me what 'ya think.

I fell into the darkness
While trying to reach the sun
I never liked the humans
Torment can be fun.

My parents, they did tell me,
That only evil would be true
And that is why, tonight, my dear
I whet my fangs in you.

Lolth has been so good to me
She's taught me to betray
The murderer's art, she did impart
And her power took me away

A creature of good could not understand
Blood's trancendent value
And that is why, tonight, my dear
I whet my fangs in you.
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.
Age 31
Tennesse -_-
Seen September 28th, 2013
Posted May 23rd, 2005
828 posts
19.7 Years
Oh, Takai... I cannot find a single mistake... I simply adore the piece. Bravo, dearie. ^_^


It's magificent...

Rogue: "What am I going to do with you Remy LeBeau?"
Gambit: "I have a list, but I left it in my other pants."
-- Astonishing X-Men #1

Rogue + Gambit
The Mississipian and the Lousianian Cajan, too cute together


--The Daily Post, the Xanga of Blaine--

~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
Thanks, all. I appreciate it. I suppose, for comparison, I should post a few others. This next on I wrote in ninth grade as a class assignment. It's not a favorite of mine, but it does differ from most of my poetry in that it doesn't follow any real logical pattern. I rather look up to the British Romantic era poets (Shelly, Coleridge, and Tennyson in particular) so I'm a big fan of establishing structure in a poem. I did this when I tried departing from that belief.

Tortured Genuis
Head in the sky
softly composing a lullaby
Ignoring all the simple fools
Thinking the only way to rule
Is with force, and might, and guns, and bombs
Filling the world with violence and death
Destroying peace and death
And dads and moms
All with a single "smart bomb"
On a "surgical strike"
Designed to stop one evil dictator

Tortured genius
Head in the clouds
Dreaming of a banner unfurled
On the top of a castle in another world
Unlike our own
Where the selfsame fools
Who think the only way to rule
Is with force and might and decption and lies
Filling the airwaves with their false words,
"This is all in the intrest of your saftey"
"With technology, we garuntee there will be no civillian casualties"
Never guessing that one "smart bomb"
Ripped apart families, dads, kids, and moms

Tortured Genius
Watching that banner unfurled
On the top of a castle in another world
Where peace reigns supreme
Tortured only because
He knows it's a dream
Which will only come true
After Death's barrier is breached
After that lone castle beseiged
By the forces of violence, guns, and bombs
Have all passed away
And forever peace reigns


Looking back, I really like the piece for a difference in style and I'd like to think I set up a decent rhythm. On the other hand, I lack a goiod rhyme scheme and that annoys me somewhat. As I said, I love a structured poem.

This next one I wrote in memory of my grandfater when he died. As such, it's more emotional than most of my other poetry, which is mainly perspective and descriptive work.

An angel came within my dreams
To tell me of my fears
And all the things that saddened me so
Throughout the passing years

A bottle of tears she gave to me
So I could remember you
And I know that you will one day see
All of our dreams come true

The tears of the world, they comfort me
For I know Im not alone
Even though youve left this world
Im never on my own

The bottle of tears she gave to me
Came from the heart and soul
And let your life be remembered by
The light yougave to the world
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.
Age 31
Tennesse -_-
Seen September 28th, 2013
Posted May 23rd, 2005
828 posts
19.7 Years
The tortured genius... As time progresses, so does humanity. And as humanity progresses, so does our knowledge. Our knowledge leads to technological advances... Some good. But for every good, there is a bad, as goes the age-old statement of "Good versus Evil". The genius knows that as time goes on, that things will only deteriorate even more so... That really is torture.

Rogue: "What am I going to do with you Remy LeBeau?"
Gambit: "I have a list, but I left it in my other pants."
-- Astonishing X-Men #1

Rogue + Gambit
The Mississipian and the Lousianian Cajan, too cute together


--The Daily Post, the Xanga of Blaine--

~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
That's pretty much the intent, although there's a good bit of journalistic cynicism in there as well. Now this next one I'm doing spontaneously to try my hand at off the cuff poetry. I'm bringng back up a relationship that went sour for it.

Minutes to hours
Hours to days
I can't help but feel
That the truth never pays.

As I lay here dying
I remember that time
We lay with each other
Our bodies entwined.

Our love was once special,
Our passion, a flame
Or so I thought
To you, it's a game.

As I lay here dying,
Body broken, mind a shell
I can't help but feel
That I'll see you in hell.
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.