My first Poem: Like a Breeze

Started by Shiroi Alucard April 24th, 2010 8:59 PM
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  • 3 replies

Shiroi Alucard

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Kalos
Seen September 15th, 2014
Posted June 4th, 2014
134 posts
15 Years
Like a Breeze

Like a breeze comes the end of a life

The life of one who once lived

Blows away in the instance of death

But, alas, with death comes rebirth


By DJBlaz
(Originally created for English III Class)

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Name: Shiroi
Friend Code: 2406-5192-6324

Missingno.7-4468

The Kazuka Party is for curry!

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Nowhere and everywhere at the same time
Seen May 18th, 2014
Posted July 14th, 2011
513 posts
14.1 Years
Now, I really like this poem, despite me not being a big fan of free verse. However, there are a few little things that really aren't at all important.

For the first line, it almost seems like there should be a period at the. The pause seems to be there without any mark of it. I'm not sure if you meant for there to be a pause there. =/

The third line has again the period at the end thing. It just seems like there should be a pause there.

The last line seems a little weird for me. Using the word alas makes it sound like the rebirth is...a bad thing. Is that what you wanted, or is it just lack of a better word?

Despite these little faults, I absolutely love this poem. This is a great poem that would be even better if you fixed it up a little.

^ This one is 500 px long for sure >_>