Sable extended her paw and shook Rapide until she awoke.
"Rapide! Rapide! Get up! It's morning!" she yelled, jumping.
"Oh, what's the rush?" yawned Rapide. "Just five more minutes-"
"Oh, come on! If you ever want to get to Moss Rock and beat the Umbreons, I would get up!" Sable retorted with a huff.
Rapide moaned as she stretched and stood up in spite of the aches in her back from sleeping on the cold ground.
"There we go, let's go on, then!" said Sable, soon breaking into a run with Rapide close behind her. They crossed a babbling brook full of Magicarp, a small, abandoned hut now occupied with many Ratatta, and an open meadow with giant puddles that Rapide soon noticed were actually Grimer.
After many hours of travel, Rapide and Sable collapsed onto the dusty ground. Sable closed her eyes, ready for rest, but Rapide had become wary.
"Sable, I-I think there's someone else here t-to." she whispered into the Darkness.
"Rapide, it's fine, just go to-"
"Sable, look!" Rapide said, panicing, although not without reason: for 3 shadowy figures seemed to be closing in.....
Lutte, Ombre, and Mal materialized before them.
"Oh, look, to little eons have lost their way!" cackled the nearest Umbreon.
"Well, let's see if they have any food on them, shall we?" said yet another, his voice much deeper than the usual Umbreons, making a frightening effect as they bagan circling the two Eons.
"Wh-what do you want from us, Um-Umbreons?" said Sable, trying and failing to sound confident.
"Well, your food, and other goods, and possibly your life if you struggle!" growled the first Umbreon, causing chills to go up and down Sable and Rapide's spines.
"B-but we don't have any-anything!" cried Sable, a look of pure terror on her face, not even bothering to sound like she was planning ahead anymore.
While Mal, Lutte, and Ombre continued talking, Rapide whispered, "Sable! Try a Sand attack! It's what your name means anyway, isn't it?"
"Well, I-I don't kn-know abou-" Sable began, but after noticing they were drawing nearer, too near, she forgot about the sentence and lept right into a mad Sand Attack. The Umbreon, temporarily blinded by the gravel being hurtled towards them, didn't notice Sable's cry of "Run!" nor Rapide obeying the command and Sable soon following. The girls could just hear the Umbreon's cry of rage as they reached a Pathway.
"Oh, Rapide, we did it!" cried Sable as they stepped out into the road. "We're here at Route 201!"
Continued in chapter four
It's very interesting, and you did well with the grammar. Of course, I was mostly scanning through it, but I can still find grammar, punctuation and spelling mistakes easily. You tend to make the chapters a bit short and some of the writing/plot is confusing, but it is still a pretty good story. I like the fantasy feel to the writing, and how there are clans, not one are two pokemon living together. It's very realistic. However, I disliked the ending of chapter 2, like POKEMON_MASTER_0 said:
It makes no sense, and the way the scene rushed by didn't help. Also, the Mesprit coming out of absolutely no where was a little weird.
Other than that, it was extremely well done, and you handled the idea well also.
I'm
trying to make the first parts confusing. I already have the whole story plot written out, and all of the first chapters are pretty short in summary. Confusion sends off the kind of aura I need for the story.
They explain that later, not to worry.