As a tip, it's a bit difficult to judge whether or not we'd be interested in your story from a glimpse at a beginning. Granted, some beginnings are epic enough to grab a reader within a couple of paragraphs, but otherwise, since we don't really have a general idea about so much as the genre (something that'd be revealed through an entire prologue), I don't know how many of us can tell you to write 5000 more words.
With that in mind, what I would suggest if you're really uncertain is pull together a summary of your plot and take it
over to the Plot Bunny Thread. That way, you can get feedback on your idea (and a figure on whether or not there'd be enough reader interest) without actually writing the story.
While you're there, I'd suggest going to look at the Beta Thread as well. This leads into the second thing I'd like to say about this fic. See, the more errors -- typos and whatnot -- you have in your fic, the more it distracts the reader from the rest of the content. Some people even take things that aren't proofread to be parodies, especially if you're going for the basic retelling-of-a-game plot (or if it looks like that at the beginning). In other words, there's a lot of grammatical errors here, so you might have some difficulties getting readers to stick around for all 5000 words.
Additionally, when you have script fic, there's two things you should note:
1. A character's lines are all bunched together, basically. As in, you don't need to keep saying "Lucas:" until another character speaks. You actually only need to say it once until Lucas speaks again.
2. A lot of people tend to think that script fic is an "easy" way to tell a story. In actuality, you still have to actually describe a lot. You just do it through stage directions. As in, you can't just have occasional stage directions. You actually need to describe everything a character does, either through lines of text outside of dialogue (the stage directions) or having the character actually say what they're doing. (Shakespeare did the latter a lot, but more modern plays rely on large chunks of stage directions to tell actors what they should be doing at any given moment.) In other words, in some cases, you actually have to be
more detailed in terms of actions than straight-up prose because a script is meant to be a set of orders for actors -- as in, everything in your vision needs to be translated to a page so people can figure out what's supposed to be going on. Of course, playwrights also sometimes leave a lot of stuff out so the director can have his creativity field day, but either way, yeah, don't rely on script format because you're not confident with prose. (Not saying that that's why this is a script. Just saying it as a warning.)
Other than that, like I said at the beginning, I don't really know what to make of this because there's not much here to judge. It looks like a basic new trainer plot, but what we've got right now is only a glimpse. I'd say definitely give the Plot Bunny Thread a shot to get a better response.