Chapter 3: Fear
"Hello, and welcome to the first ever episode of 'Survivor: Dude, Where Are We?'. In case you can't tell from the title, our captain got a wee bit drunk, and crashed the boat on this island. It doesn't help matters any that it happened in the middle of the night, either. Anyhoo, since I'm stuck here anyway, I might as well narrate this tale of Mysterious Mysteries! (Sorry, my writer usually comes up with better lines, but he got drunk too.) I'm your host, the one and only, Jeff Probes!
"It appears that the OOMPALOOMPA tribe has gone to the second floor of the mansion, and the OOGABOOGA tribe has ventured up to the third floor. Who'll find the cash first? Nobody knows, but my money's on OOMPALOOMPA!"
[OOMPALOOMPA TRIBE]
"Well, this floor is certainly less creepy than the first! That's for sure!" Julia said, with relief.
"Indeed, I just hope that nothing creepy..."
"WHO DARES TO TRESPASS ON MY FLOOR?"
"...happens." Krames sighed. "Why oh why did I have to tick off that witch doctor? My luck is just AWFUL!" Krames sighed again, and looked up to where he thought the bodiless voice might have come from. "We're treasure hunters, Mr. Scary Voice Thing!"
"ARE YOU
BRAVE TREASURE HUNTERS?"
Krames thought about it for a minute. "Sure, I guess."
"GOOD. THEN YOU MAY TAKE THE FEAR FACTOR CHALLENGE."
"The...what?" Betty asked, puzzled.
"THE FEAR FACTOR CHALLENGE. YOU MUST OVERCOME YOUR FEARS. SUCCEED, AND I'LL LET YOU INTO THE VAULT ROOM."
"Ooh! Vault room! That sounds promising!" Julia said.
"What if it's a trick?" Betty asked.
"Good question, Betty! Um, what if we don't do it, Mr. Scary Voice Dude?" Krames inquired.
"THEN I SHALL HAVE TO
CRUSH YOU ALL ONE BY ONE LIKE THE SMALL WORTHLESS BUGS YOU ARE WITH MY INCREDIBLY
LARGE INVISIBLE HANDS!"
"Ouch. We'll do it then." Krames gulped.
"GOOD!"
A few steps down the hall, a door opened. The tribe went in, and looked around. Bugs were everywhere in this room. Crawling on furniture, the ceiling, and even the door they had just opened. Julia, of course, screamed.
"EACH OF YOU MUST EAT A BUG. FAIL, AND I SHALL KILL YOU
ALL!"
Krames gulped again. He didn't need to be told twice. He reached down and picked up a particularly juicy spider. Choking back the gags he felt coming, Krames dropped it into his mouth and swallowed. Bustin silently did the same. But the two women of the tribe were having trouble with the task.
"I don't wanna!" Betty screamed.
"Neither do I!" Julia agreed.
A knock came at the door. Krames turned around and asked, "Who's there?"
"
KNUCKLE SANDWICH!" The voice shouted. "
EAT THE BUGS!"
The girls screamed again. This time though, it wasn't a bad thing - Krames got an idea. He reached down and picked up two Cockroaches. Bugs in hand, he turned to the girls and said, "Betty! Julia! The bugs! THEY'RE CRAWLING UP YOUR LEGS!"
"WHERE?!?!?! WHERE?!?!?!" They screamed, in unison.
Krames threw the bugs into their opened, oversized mouths, and out of panic and sheer surprise, each of them swallowed the creepy crawlers.
The voice started laughing. "
GOOD! GOOD! I LIKE IT! THE NEXT DOOR HAS BEEN OPENED!"
Anxious to get away from the bugs, the tribe ran out and found their next objective. The only thing in this room was a ladder.
"WELCOME TO THE SECOND CHALLENGE! THE SPINNING LADDER OF
DOOM!" On cue, the ladder started spinning. "GET ON THE LADDER!"
Each tribe member followed the order, and the floor below them opened into a seemingly endless hole.
The voice laughed again. "I BET
ALL OF YOU ARE AFRAID OF HEIGHTS!"
The ladder started spinning faster, and faster. So fast, that it made one of Julia's sandles fall off her foot. She looked down and watched helplessly as her designer footwear fell into the pit of dispair.
"Great, now I'll have to buy new ones!"
A second later, she could hear it hitting what sounded like something soft.
"Or will I?" Julia asked, thinking about it. "Guys! Just let go!" Julia yelled, as she released her grip on the ladder.
"Juliaaaaaaaaaa!" Krames shouted, in an overly dramatic kind of way, fearing for the worst.
"Yes?"
"You're alright?"
"Alright? Or course! That voice thing's got tons of pillows down here! Jump down!"
One by one, the rest of the tribe did the same, and each of their landings were nicely broken by an extra cushy pillow.
"
NO! SANDALS! I
HATE SANDALS! I SWEAR, EVERYTIME I DO THIS CHALLENGE, SOMEBODY'S SANDALS
ALWAYS RUIN MY FUN!"
"Why don't you just take out the pillows, then?" Betty asked.
"I CAN'T - THE SAFETY INSPECTOR OF THIS ISLAND WOULD
KILL ME IF HE FOUND OUT! UGH!"
"Huh... Well, how do we get out of here?" Krames shouted up the hole.
"THERE'S AN ELEVATOR!"
"Oh cool, you have an elevator down here?"
"YES! THE EXTREME MAKEOVER PEOPLE PUT IT IN LAST WEEK!"
The tribe went up the elevator and saw that another door had opened. This room was different from all the others - it actually looked semi-inviting. The walls were painted a rich red, and the floors were all wooden. Lining the room were bookcases filled with plenty to read. In the center of the wall directly in front of the entrance was a fireplace, beckoning the tribe inside. Four plush chairs sat in the middle of the room. Understanding what they were probably supposed to do, the tribe sat down in them.
"WELCOME, TO THE
FINAL CHALLENGE! THIS IS YOUR MOST DIFFICULT TASK YET - YOU MUST LISTEN TO LOVE SONGS FOR AN HOUR WITHOUT LEAVING!"
The girls looked delighted, but the guys just groaned. Speakers lowered from the ceiling and a moment later, they began to play the music. And so started the longest part of Krames's life.
"Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know, that something wasn't right here? Oh baby baby..."
59 Minutes And 50 Seconds Later...
"...You're here, there's nothing I fear, and I know that my heart will go on, we'll stay forever this way You are safe in my heart, and my heart will go on and on."
"
TIME! GOOD, YOU SURVIVED!"
The girls were crying, wiping their eyes on Krames's Team Sprocket uniform. "Oh, wasn't that just beautiful, Krames?"
Krames twitched a few times, and sarcasticly replied, "Sure, Betty, sure." Krames twitched again. "I think my ears are bleeding..."
The door opened, and the tribe walked into the hallway for what they hoped would be one of the last times. At the end of the hall, they could see that the last door was open. Tired, they walked in and saw their goal at last - the safe.
"What's the combo?" Krames asked.
"ZERO!"
"Ok, got it. Next?"
"ZERO!"
"Next one?"
"ZERO!"
"HEY! That's my safe combo, too! You rock Mr. No-Body!" Julia giggled to herself.
Krames rolled his eyes and opened the safe. What he found inside wasn't the 8 million dollars he was hoping for, but instead all he could see were stacks and stacks of Pokmon cards.
"What...why are there Pokmon cards in your safe? You're supposed to keep MONEY in here!" Krames shouted, very angry.
"SILLY
HUMAN, THOSE CARDS ARE AS GOOD AS MONEY! THEY'RE ALL
FIRST EDITION,
LIMITED QUANTITY,
FOIL CARDS FROM THE
FIRST SET! IN A FEW YEARS, THEY'LL BE WORTH
MILLIONS!"
"No they won't! Nobody cares about Pokmon cards anymore! People realized that they were nothing more than a cleverly engineered way to steal all of your money!"
"AH. THAT SUCKS. YOU SEE, I HAVEN'T LEFT THE HOUSE IN A WHILE, SO I DON'T KNOW THESE THINGS..." The tribe heard what they thought sounded like the voice choking back tears. "WILL YOU BE MY FRIENDS? I'M VERY LONELY IN THIS MANSION! PLEASE? YOU CAN STAY HERE
FOREVER!"
Krames turned to the tribe and whispered, "Back away slowly. When you get close to the staircase door, run for it!"
"HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
COME BACK!"
OOMPALOOMPA Didn't listen. They just kept backing down the hall.
"I SAID
GET BACK HERE!"
Krames turned to his tribe again and shouted, "Forget that, run for it NOW!"
They could feel the hands of the voice behind them, getting closer, and closer, until,
"SHUT IT! SHUT THE DOOR, GUYS!" Krames shouted, diving out. They managed to slam it shut just in time.
The tribe sat down and caught their breath. But fate wasn't going to let them rest. The lights went out again, and a scream shattered the silence of the mansion. When the lights came back on, Julia Bobberts was gone. The only thing left was another puddle of blood.