Man, it's been awhile since I've reviewed anything. It's also been awhile since I've read a shippy fic.
This = an interesting experience.
His constant companion, the Pikachu he had received from Professor Oak six years ago sat on his shoulder.
Nitpick the first: You'll need a comma after "ago." Notice how you started off a parenthetical phrase right after companion? The other comma will signal that you're done with the phrase and that you're about to tell us what the Pikachu is doing right now.
His arrival would be a surprise.
I feel like this phrase is actually a little bit redundant. After all, the sentence right before it (which also starts with the word "his") describes how no one knew that he's coming home today. This one describes that his arrival would be a surprise, but the surprise is because no one knew he's coming home today. If you just go with one sentence or the other, your writing will probably be a little more succinct, and succinct tends to pack more punch. (As in, you want to minimize the amount of filler you have in your writing. Otherwise, you end up with the written equivalent of the Johto seasons, and no one liked the Johto seasons as far as I know.)
He tiptoed up the staircase and snuck into his mother's sewing room.
Side note about "snuck": Although it's technically acceptable (albeit obsolete compared to "sneaked"), it's considered informal. While writing shouldn't be stuffy and overly formal (especially to the point where you end up sounding more like a textbook than a person) unless that's actually your intention, the best way to convey a neutral narrator is by avoiding words that are considered to be borderline slang. Neutral narrators are good if you want to convey a serious moment: by keeping the tone neutral, you don't let the narrator color the events that it's telling the audience, if that makes sense.
Of course, this is also a nitpick, and if your other readers don't really care, you can ignore this point. The sticky thing about this one is the fact that "snuck" is probably commonly used among your audience, so a lot of people don't really even realize that it risks changing the tone of the narration.
His hunch had been right- his mother, Delia, was hard at work on a black jacket.
Use a colon instead of a dash. Dashes are for parenthetical phrases like the one about Pikachu I had you surround with commas not too long ago. They can't separate two complete thoughts in a compound sentence.
Ash held out his arms and she hugged him, squeezing him tightly. She let go of him in order to see him better.
I'd say break this into its own paragraph. See, at this point, you're actually deviating from one topic to another. (In this case, the first topic would be what Delia says, and the second topic would be what she and Ash do.) As a result, this part becomes a little awkward because you're trying to do too much in a single paragraph.
"Yeah, sure," said Ash, although his attention was elsewhere. For at that moment, a young woman was running toward the Ketchum house.
The girl had long, flowing black hair, neatly straightened. She wore a black dress, which ended in a short pink skirt. a red scarf was tied around her neck. Ash recognized her immediately as his old friend Dawn.
He heard a knock at the door, which he guessed meant that Dawn had arrived. Ash nodded at his mother and went downstairs to answer the door.
Nitpick: Doesn't Dawn have blue hair?
Besides that, there's two awkward things about this part:
1. Ash was in the sewing room, and he wasn't looking out a window as far as we know. How was his attention diverted if he couldn't see Dawn arriving?
2. While I understand you wrote this fic
way before the last episodes of the Diamond/Pearl arc, what's Dawn doing in Pallet Town? O_o The problem here is basically that every single person Ash traveled with except for Tracey went their separate ways at the end of one of Ash's regional tours. Brock goes off to pursue his dream (for the umpteenth time). Misty went back to the Cerulean Gym to serve as the gym leader. May started her own regional tours as a coordinator. Max went back to Hoenn, but fanon generally assumes that he eventually becomes a trainer himself (considering he promised Ralts he would). Dawn meanwhile? As far as we know, she started her own regional tours like May did because she has her own dreams of being a coordinator.
Her arrival out of the blue is compounded with the fact that no one knew Ash was coming home. If she was traveling and pursuing her own dream the way the others (well, except Misty) have, then she wouldn't know Ash was coming back to Pallet Town, so she wouldn't be in the area in the first place. If she decided to wait for him because she fell in love with him back when she was ten, then that becomes a little awkward because she'd have to ditch her passion for contests, which goes against the basic foundation of her character in canon. (Sure, there's growing up, but few people decide after a few years that they still like the same people they had crushes on when they were ten.) Of course, even then, you'd still have to figure out how to explain how she knew to come to the Ketchum residence right at that moment and why she didn't just intercept Ash if she noticed him earlier.
That's one problem I've always found with future fics. A lot of them don't seem to take into consideration the fact that the characters separate, that each of them have their own separate dreams and goals that they feel passionate about, and that growing up also means that people mature out of childhood crushes. While it's perfectly okay to have two characters meet up and realize that they
still like each other after all those years (which is the basis of a number of some pretty cute romantic comedy films), writers who go into this genre just don't really acknowledge the fact that each character is a separate person, and as such, each separate person is likely to do their own separate things over any number of years (like the six that you're giving them).
As a note, I know that you offer an explanation to this point in the next paragraph, but I'll get to that in a moment. That and, well, Dawn giving up being a coordinator is about as likely as Ash giving up being a trainer. They have different personalities, sure, but they have a similar amount of passion for their respective fields.
The door opened and immediately Dawn hugged Ash. "Whoa there," laughed Ash, "I assume you're happy to see me?" Dawn looked up and smiled. "You don't know the half of it!" she proclaimed.
Remember, whenever you have a new speaker, you'll need to start a new paragraph. It's not just a standard rule. It also helps the reader keep speakers straight. As in, if you just have one character speaking per paragraph, there's no question about who says what line. It also means you don't have to add in multiple dialogue tags.
You do this again later on in the fic, so I'll only mention it here.
"My mother and I moved here three weeks ago," she explained.
See, aside from what I said earlier about how Dawn probably wouldn't give up contests and move back in with her mother, you also don't really offer much of an explanation for why Johanna feels the need to move to Kanto. She's a housewife who spent much of her time in Sinnoh, after all, so it's not like she absolutely has to move to a different region, particularly to Pallet Town. It just seems a little out of the blue, so it feels like this happened out of convenience. As in, it feels more like you had her family move
just to put Dawn in the same town as Ash, rather than because of a bigger reason that would lead to a person moving (like a new job). You'll want to avoid doing things like that because it ends up making your plot seem a bit weaker than it can be. Your characters end up doing things for the sake of plugging up plot holes instead of doing what a person with their kinds of personality traits (what few the anime gives them at least) would do, and their reasons for doing them end up falling short of being solid explanations.
In other words, think carefully about your cast. Don't have characters do something for the convenience of plot or for plugging up plot holes. Have your characters do things based on what would be logical for them to do. If you need to figure out what would be logical for them, start off with what canon gives you and try to think about how a character would grow in six years from there. For example, sure, Dawn is ten when we leave her, but take her character anyway. Now, where would she logically be in six years? She has a passion for contests, she's very feminine, and she's pretty headstrong by the end of her arc. Wouldn't she be a mature young lady who's still a coordinator? If she's not, then why not? What is she doing instead? Why is she still hanging on to a crush she had when she was ten? Keep asking yourself those kinds of questions to figure out who she'd be at that point in the timeline. Don't be afraid to use other sixteen-year-old girls as models for her teenaged personality and identity. Use your own experiences to figure out who she'd be. Sure, the anime's not that great in terms of giving characters personalities, but it's part of fanfiction writing to put some life into canon characters without completely blowing off what canon gave us.
Dawn gulped and started avoiding loking directly at Ash.
Remember to proofread carefully before posting, even if you're reposting a fic. If you need help spotting spelling errors, there's ways of doing that without running a full spell check (which would be annoying as all crap in a Pokémon fic, where half the words would be made up). Most word processors allow you to spell check as you type, which puts red squiggles under every word the dictionary doesn't recognize. Figure out how to turn that on and do so. After that, you should be able to see potential errors and correct typos.
Later, Ash was with all of the friends he had made over the years:Professor Oak, his grandson Gary, Misty, Brock, Tracey Sketchit, May, Max, Drew, Dawn, Barry, and others.
First, be careful about your spacing. There should always be a space between a colon and another word, especially if you're posting on a forum. (The reason why I say especially there is because most forum codes tend to insert graphic smilies wherever there's a colon and a letter. In this case, you have :P instead of a colon and the word "Professor.")
Second, going back to that earlier rant, it doesn't really make sense to have all of these characters be in one place. ._. Barry doesn't even really care that much about Ash. While he doesn't hate him, it'd be a lot like having Ash invite Paul or Ritchie to the party.
Also, as I've said earlier, a lot of these characters are probably off doing their own things for the same reason Ash is still a trainer: because they all have their own separate goals. It'd take awhile for Ash to get in contact with half of them because a number of these dreams would require traveling a lot. May and Drew, for example, are traveling coordinators. Brock is a traveling breeder. Barry is a trainer, and Max is probably one too. Gary is a traveling researcher who works with different scientific facilities. The only two out of this list who are permanently in one location are Misty (and not even all the time, no less – not to mention she'd have to travel from Cerulean to be there), Tracey, and Professor Oak.
Again, this problem is compounded by the fact that no one knew he was coming home, so it'd be unlikely that they'd all be in one place as a result, assuming they
are still pursuing their own respective dreams.
They were all congratulating him on his standing in the Biru League: he had been in the top four.
I feel like the part about his standing came a bit out of the blue. Since it's pretty important to the backstory of where he's been, it might be better to mention it when you mention for the first time that he's coming home from his travels in the Biru region.
He felt someone tap him on his shoulder. He turned around to find Misty, the first person who had ever traveled with him, facing him, biting her lip nervously.
Because this is a lot of short fragments separated by commas, you end up with a bit of a choppy feel. (Just try reading that aloud, pausing shortly at every comma. It doesn't quite sound right, does it?) My advice would be to replace the last comma with "and." That way, the phrase talks about what Ash sees in a big bundle, and the flow of the sentence is smoothed out a bit.
"Sorry," he said apologetically, "But I... I already agreed to go out with Dawn. Maybe some other time?"
First, because you already have him saying sorry, you actually don't need to add in "apologetically." It just ends up being a little repetitive because "sorry" and "apologetically" basically convey the same idea.
Also, whenever you have a dialogue tag that's surrounded by commas, the first word after the tag should be lowercase unless it's a proper noun. The reason why is because if you take out the commas, the quotation marks, and the dialogue tag itself without keeping things lowercase, you end up with this:
Sorry, But I... I already agreed to go out with Dawn.
Notice the capital letter in the middle of the sentence? If you wanted to signal that there should be a period after "sorry," you'd have to instead place a period after the dialogue tag (the part that tells us – through things like "he said" or "she said" – how the quote is being spoken and by whom) to signal to the reader that the sentence is over. You actually do it correctly with this quote:
"That's okay," she said sadly. "Have fun on your date."
See the difference?
Misty slid herself down against a wall near the cottage she was renting for her stay in Pallet Town.
Pretty much the same problem as having Dawn move to Pallet Town. Misty didn't know Ash was coming back that day, so it seems weird that she left her post at the Cerulean Gym, rented a cottage, and waited for him without knowing if he was even going to show up. This is, of course, assuming that by "later," you didn't mean "weeks later" to allow Misty to receive some kind of word that Ash was back in Kanto and to travel to Pallet.
I saw Ash first, that means I should get first dibs!
You'll need an exclamation point or a period where the comma is. Otherwise, you've got a comma splice on your hands. Notice how you end up with two complete sentences after putting in the period or exclamation mark? That's how you know you need to keep them separate.
The grunt was a member of Team Rocket, a criminal organization with hundreds of branches and outposts spanning the globe. The head of Team Rocket was Giovanni, and the grunt was here to recieve instructions on Team Rocket's latest plan.
First off, again, remember to proofread for typos. (Receive. I before E except after C, unless sounding like "way" like in "neighbor" or "weigh." Unless it's "weird.")
Second, the explanation about Team Rocket strikes me as a little odd. I mean, you go into the fic without really explaining who Ash was, and although you offer a little bit of an explanation as to who Misty and Dawn were, you just assume that the readers already know them. However, with Team Rocket, one of the other main concepts to the Pokémon universe (one of the few people who aren't even fans know about), you actually explain that they're a criminal organization run by Giovanni. It just seems a little unnecessary because if the readers already know who Ash and company are, they probably already know all about Team Rocket.
In other words, you can cut yourself a little slack by assuming your readers know the basic concepts of a universe. Alternatively, if you're going to assume that they know one main character, it's okay to assume that they know an entire group of main characters.
"For our plan to succeed," he began, "We need money. Here are your instructions."
What strikes me as weird about this is the fact that Team Rocket actually
has money. It's just Jessie, James, and Meowth who don't. There's two reasons why I say this:
1. Team Rocket never seems to suffer much financial damage every time an expensive lab is leveled or an equally expensive operation gets dismantled by a group of preteens. In fact, the organization pretty much just cleans up the mess (to avoid getting shut down by the police) and starts in on a new operation almost immediately.
2. Giovanni himself is a pretty shrewd businessman. In the anime, he owns the Viridian Gym (which is apparently rebuilt by the Battle Frontier arc), a theme park, and (possibly) the S.S. Anne. Shortly put, he has a lot of money to throw around, and he has ways of making it back without much of a problem.
His mission was simple: rob as many banks and businesses as possible.
His target was some backwater town he'd barely heard of. A town called Pallet.
Considering Pallet is pretty small compared to Celadon City (the business capital of Kanto), it's a bit strange that Team Rocket is striking there when there's more money to be made elsewhere.
She simply had to pick out the perfect outfit for her date with Ash Ketchum. She couldn't decide on a dress.
This sounds like it might be better as a compound sentence with the word "but" in it. I say this because both sentences start with the word "she" (which invokes a sense of repetition if left as-is), and the first sentence (about how she was searching for the perfect outfit) and the second (about how she wasn't making progress because she couldn't decide on said perfect outfit) almost contradict each other in a way that would balance one another out in a single sentence, if that makes sense.
One was a simple blue dress, with rhinestones adorning the sleeves.
No need for the comma. In most cases, prepositional phrases don't need commas in front of them.
The other was more formal, a bright green gown with a sash running around the waist. A flower pattern ran along either side.
Try replacing the comma with a colon. You're separating a complete thought with a clarification.
Also, drop the period after "waist," replace it with "and," keep "a flower pattern" lowercase, and finish off by replacing "ran" with "running." I'm suggesting all of these changes so you can blend together both sentences about the single dress and avoid implying that a flower pattern ran along the sides of
both dresses (unless that's what you meant).
She heard a knock at the door, and quickly dressed.
No need for a comma. This isn't a compound. Note that "quickly dressed" is not a complete thought. You only need a comma before a conjunction – like "and" – if it's either a list of three or more items or a compound sentence.
After getting the dress on, applying some makeup and accessories, she rushed downstairs and opened the door.
Try phrasing the last part of that list ("getting the dress on, applying some makeup and accessories") so that "accessories" is symmetrical to the other items in the list. What I mean is that the other items ("getting the dress on" and "applying some makeup") follow the formula of verb-ing + noun. To avoid making the reader feel like "applying some makeup and accessories" is supposed to be a parenthetical (i.e., phrase that doesn't have to be part of the sentence), you'll need to get "accessories" to follow the same formula. Perhaps say "adding some accessories"?
They got into a car belonging to Ash's mother (Ash had apparently gotten his driver's license in Biru), and set off for their date:
Side note about driver's licenses: You need a permanent residence for it, and you need to apply in the state/region/country where your permanent residence is located. It's got something to do with the paperwork, really.
Also, similar story to what I said earlier about compound sentences. If you took out the parentheses and the stuff inside them, you might be able to see what I mean a bit clearer. Notice how "set off for their date" isn't a complete sentence, although "they got into a car belonging to Ash's mother" is?
Their lips were brushing up against each other, a crash came from outside.
It might be better (and it might help you avoid a comma splice) if you added "as" at the very beginning of this sentence. That way, you can tell the reader that something happened a split-second into the action you're describing.
Also, it's a bit unusual that Ash has absolutely no problem with kissing Dawn. I mean, sure, he's sixteen, but up until this point, it seems like he's not a particularly romantic person. He's incredibly awkward just with
hugging a girl, as you've implied at the end of the first scene. It's just odd that he goes along with the kiss, rather than say anything about it or at least react to it beyond slight internal confusion.
Ash glanced outside. Several people in black uniforms stood in a mob-like group. They each had a red letter emblazoned on their chests: an R.
Wait,
just outside? And why were they standing around? O_o Weren't they supposed to rob a bank or business?
Overall, don't get me wrong. Although I spent a lot of time taking this apart, I can tell you have potential. It was readable, and at parts, it was cute and fluffy. Not only that, but I'm also secretly a sucker for the "childhood friend reveals (s)he has a crush on other childhood friend, and hilarity ensues" kind of thing. There just needs to be some work done here and there.
To start things off, remember to proofread. There were typos here and there, and at times, you made errors with punctuation you didn't make at other points of the fic. (For example, the comma-in-dialogue thing I mentioned earlier.) Commas seem to be your biggest weak point, though, and it's okay because a lot of people screw up with commas. They're unfortunately one of the most-used punctuation marks in the English language, but there's a lot of rules that are very easy to mess up. To help you out, our subforum, Writer's Lounge, has a couple of stickies that might help you. Aside from the Beta Thread, there's also
a list of resources, including guides to grammar that might explain things in better detail than I can. Either way, once you get the grammatical oddities straightened out, your fic will be a lot easier to read because the language will be smoother. (As in, language errors tend to be like speed bumps to a reader. They're jarring to hit, and a reader might find themselves slowing down as they go through your work, even if they're not grammar nazis like I am. In some cases, they might even change the tone of your narration or give it a choppy, awkward feel.)
Beyond that, we'll have to talk about characterization. Now, I know that the cast is older, but older doesn't necessarily mean canon's irrelevant. You'll need to build from it by, as I've said earlier, taking the stuff canon's given you and using it as a foundation for who these people are in your version of the present. Breathe some life into them by making sure what they do is logical, and make sure you let them do their own thing, rather than act for the sake of plot. Have Ash react a little more, rather than just go with the flow. Have Dawn be more than a bubbly romantic (because even at the age of ten, she was a bit more than that). Have Team Rocket do something instead of just stand around in a pretty conspicuous mob. In other words, figure out what personalities the characters you're using have and let them act based on them.
Unfortunately, both of these problems took a bit away from the chapter. I mean, as I've said, don't get me wrong. I read your work before I went in line by line, and even then, while it felt like the start of a fluffy romance fic, nothing really set it apart from every other fluffy romance fic I've read. It even falls into some of the same pit-traps as the other standard fluffy romance fics did. This tends to be bad. Admittedly, I haven't been on Bulbagarden for years (precisely because I kept getting one-liner reviews that didn't really help me that much), but on Fanfiction.net, here, Serebii... a lot of other places, you'll be told that the problem with dappling with cliché fics is that you don't really stand out that much unless you go above and beyond expectations. As in, the danger is that if you don't show the reader pretty quickly that it's not just another one of the fics that they've read a lot (which you can do by using well-built characters, an incredibly thought-out plot with new twists, and a lot of effort in proofreading to show that you really,
really care beyond everyone else about what you're doing), your fic just won't be as memorable as other fics out there. The less memorable yours is, the less recognition you get back.
Of course, that isn't to say that you shouldn't dapple in some used genres. By all means, feel free to create a future fic. There's such a thing as some that are done awesomely, and on places like Fanfiction.net, you can reel in an audience based on concept alone. However, whether or not you
keep an audience and grow a bigger one than what you can get just with the concept depends completely on whether or not you really push to make your idea shine brighter than the other ones.
And for romance, unfortunately, this means you have to really pay attention to your characters because your characters will be the entire basis of your fic.
All that in mind, good luck with future chapters. I hope some of this helped a little.