A love poem I wrote, like it or not.

Started by Flygon trainer November 26th, 2004 11:30 AM
  • 1193 views
  • 9 replies
Age 32
Where Eclipse is.
Seen January 30th, 2008
Posted January 27th, 2008
10,925 posts
19.2 Years
First of all, I'd like to dedicate this to my pair, also my one and only love. he's become the reason for my existance, and this is a first for me.

Hearts Whispered Song
By me.

I am scared to tell you what I feel,
Am I insane? Are you real?
When I look at you, I hope to see,
That I can be happy, my spirit free,
I want to show you who I am inside,
But when I dare show you,
My heart tries to hide.
When I look at you, my heart skips a beat,
All the blood rushes to my heart quickly from my feet.
I dont understand why my love for you seems so great,
But I do know that finding you was an act of fate,
I am slowly stumbling out of the dark,
A woman unsure lead by her heart,
My passion runs deep, my soul is strong,
My love is eternal, and this is my song:

you are my one,
the one half of me.

You are the one
That makes a complete me.
Establishing a new identity.

Teara

First visit in 4 years (oops)

Female
West Coast!
Seen January 6th, 2014
Posted January 6th, 2014
2,372 posts
19.3 Years
Wow, that'z zuch a touching poem! =3

It'z excellent that you not only had a nice rythem to it, but you ztaid on one zubject. Alot of poemz zound pretty, but they really have no meaning behind them. Yourz on the othe hand really explainz your feelingz.
Keep it up ^_^


The only thing I can zee iz a rythem thing in a couple of linez:
I want to show you who I am inside,
But when I dare show you,
My heart tries to hide.


In mozt of your poem every two linez ryme, but here it zkipz a line. Maybe if you combined theze two linez:
But when I dare show you,
My heart tries to hide.


Then agian, that'z juzt a picky thing <<; (didn't want to leave without giving tipz ^_^'') It zoundz great either way! =D

Kyosuke

.·Simple Complexity

Age 34
Pickering, On
Seen August 8th, 2018
Posted May 17th, 2014
2,485 posts
19.7 Years
It really was good from start to finish, it seems like you really put effort into it, but seeing how its for a person you care and love so much for, you would have to.

Like Teara said, the rhymn was really nice, and you used commas alot to make readers know when to pause, and when to begin. Really good job all around.
"Life isn't perfect, but sometimes you have to make the best of it."

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Age 29
Non-binary
New South Wales, Australia
Seen December 3rd, 2022
Posted October 5th, 2016
14,976 posts
18.7 Years
9/10. Lovely, and... so... touching. It's not perfect, but it's faultless in my eyes, but I can't give 10/10 for various reasons...

*heart breaks* So sweet!!! Eeee! *starts sobbing* I need to tell the world! The whole world that - whoops. *puts hand over mouth*
PON PON WAY WAY WAY

あの交差点で皆がもしスキップをして もしあの町の真中でてを繋いで空を見上げたら
Age 29
Iowa
Seen March 8th, 2009
Posted October 19th, 2005
1,113 posts
18.5 Years
ya, I liked it too, even though I'm only 10 XD but I still liked it...
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PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
It's a sweet poem, and good in most aspects. Solid rythm, defined structure. Good things, those. My main complaint is that sometimes I get the feel that you wrote it to fit the rhyme scheme, instead of getting your thoughts out first, then editing a rhyme in later.
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