Dark Side of the Sun
I'm blind,
But my rage it still sees you,
I love the opening line, it sort of sets the tone for the rest of the song, best thing about this is that all the words fit in so perfectly.
My mind,
Is lost but wrath fights through,
I think this could use a little more work, "Is lost but wrath fights through" just doesn't really cut it, maybe "still fights through", but I think the main problem is the choice of using 'wrath'. But iunno, whatever suits you.
You sang your song to me,
Now I'll scream it back to you,
So embrace this harmony,
Dance with me on the dark side,
Of the sun.
As the person above said, dance with me on the dark side of the sun? There are times when you can be symbolic, but times when it just goes too far and causes confusion. I think you just need to change the sun bit, because a lot could fit in there. Maybe dance with me on the dark side of life? Iunno, it just needs something different.
My patience,
Called in sick again today,
Your resistance,
Is futile in this fray,
I think you need to take away the 'again'. It would be better as my patience called in sick today, the again just interferes with the sound of the words. The most important thing is that everything runs smoothly, and that words don't get too disjointed, if you understand what I mean.
You sang your song to me,
Now I'll scream it back to you,
So embrace this harm for me,
Dance with me on the dark side,
Of the sun.
I dont want to change the world,
I just want to take you from it,
I don't want to change the world,
I just want to destroy yours.
With this, I think "I just want to take you from it" should be changed to "I just want to take it from you", because mainly again the words run smoothly? But then you would have to change the last line as well, but as before it just seems to disjointed, it needs to run smoothly, just like the first two lines of the chorus, which I am a very big fan of.
Overall I think the idea isn't as clear as it could be, but it is very solid. Just take into account the few things I said. Sometimes it's good to write up a song on a piece of paper, leave it for a few hours or maybe a day, come back and then change the bits you don't like. Because remember, you can't write music if you can't write it for yourself.
You have parts that are just magnificent, but other parts where swapping some words around like simultaneous equations could take the lyrics much further.
Great job though :)