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Some poems I wrote while I was bored~

Started by Midnight Moon~ October 20th, 2010 7:24 AM
  • 791 views
  • 7 replies

Midnight Moon~

Ninja Squirrel

Age 25
Male
'.' Why would I say?
Seen January 4th, 2013
Posted December 25th, 2010
71 posts
9.5 Years
Some poems I wrote.
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The Value of Love:


More valuable than gold;

Lasting longer than us all;
It's a breath of fresh air;
It's supernatural.
We take it for granted;
Despite its worth.
Our souls are interwoven;
Our destinies intertwined.
"What is it that does this?"
you ask.
The answer, my friends,
Is hidden by a mask.
People hide this feeling;
Ashamed, afraid;
Knee-deep in misery;
Afraid it'll fade.
The answer to all
This happens to be Love.
It holds us close;
Keeps us looking above.
So take my advice;
When I say this to you;
Never stop loving,
Always hold true. <3

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Someday:


Someday, someday, you'll be happy.

The sun will shine, the rain will dry.
Someday, someday, I know you’ll see.
Right now you may weep, you may cry,
But surely you know, someday, someday,
Everything will look up,
You’ll be okay.
Someday, someday.
You’ll learn to trust,
You’ll learn to love,
You’ll learn, you must.
Life gives you a shove,
So get back up!
You know I’m here,
Your friend, your backup.
I know you can,
I know you will,
I’ll always be here for you an’
If you think your life’s at a standstill,
Trust me, that’s why I’m here,
It’s what friends are for.
When you’re filled with fear,
Struck to your very core,
I’m here for you.
Someday, someday, maybe you’ll see
Everything I say is true,
Just trust me…

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Broken Hearts:


When you're heart hurts,

When you've lost hope,
You look for a friend to help you cope.
Someone you wont offend,
When your heart hurts
And you scream in pain,
They stick by you,
As you're hurt again and again.
But sometimes you're stupid,
You pull away, your heart burning,
Eaten by acid,
Its that one final hurt that breaks the perfect friendship,
Makes you feel like dirt,
You cant believe you slipped.
But its too late for apologies,
They want you gone forever..
You finally, finally see
Your friendship, you treasured..
But its too late to fix...
Fallen to my knees..
Broken, crushed, destroyed..
All I want is someone to kill me..
I've been such a fool..

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untitled:

Can you feel what I feel,
A raging passion in my soul?
Can you see how I see,
Bright and fiery like blazing coals?
My love for life burns strong and true,
What's even stronger:
My love for you(:
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Azurne

The Local Trickster

Age 29
Female
Seen August 19th, 2011
Posted August 16th, 2011
78 posts
11.4 Years
The Value of Love:

More valuable then gold,
Lasting longer then us all,
‘Then’ should be than. :3

It's a breath of fresh air,
.....it's supernatural.
I’m not sure why you have an ellipsis here. It sounds the same way and looks better without it.

The answer, my friends,
is hidden by a mask.
You know for some reason when I first read this I thought it was ‘hidden behind a mask’ instead of ‘by’ a mask. Now I can’t decide which I like better. Guess I’ll leave that one up to you. XD

Hm, and I think every line should be capitalized, since this is a poem. Even if you’re in the middle of a sentence, I believe. (Don’t hold me to it though).
Overall this is a pleasant little poem here, and the ending was quite well done. Somewhat shaky when the part of the mask came up, but doesn’t detract from the poem as a whole. :3

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Someday:

Someday...someday...you'll be happy.
I’m not sure why you added ellipsis here, but then commas to the rest of the poem. I think putting the commas in will make it match the rest of the poem. =)
I’ll always be here for you an’
If you think your life’s at a standstill,
I’m completely conflicted here. On one hand, I’d try taking out ‘an’ to make it seem more poetic, but on the other if you remove it you’ll lost that meaning you were going for. Try playing around with it, like this:
I’ll always be here for you
If you think your life’s at a standstill,
Or
I’ll always be here for you
And If you think your life’s at a standstill
Personally, I think that last quote would be something to shoot for.
Someday, someday, maybe you’ll see
Everything I say is true,
Just trust me…
Again, very nice ending. I liked both of these very much. =3

TJgamer

A Pokémon Poet

Age 26
Male
Seen December 9th, 2019
Posted February 2nd, 2017
1,093 posts
10.7 Years
The Value of Love - Love is such a timeless thing. Good job!
Someday - It has a very nice concept, though I found it a bit uneven with the rhyming structure. But that may just be me.
Broken Hearts - Good poem. But there are still quite a few spelling errors that need to be checked.
Untitled - The title doesn't mean anything, yet the poem itself means a lot. Ironic, isn't it?

Midnight Moon~

Ninja Squirrel

Age 25
Male
'.' Why would I say?
Seen January 4th, 2013
Posted December 25th, 2010
71 posts
9.5 Years
These were pretty much the first four poems I ever wrote, so xD...Yeah, I knew nothing about structure or sequence or anything, and the broken hearts one was written at an emotionally turbulent time, so there are plenty of mistakes in these ^.^
Life is like a box of glitter. 'Tis shiny. :3
"We've been superultramegallamabrick'd!!"
"
We were just hit with llamas on flaming bricks."
- Kirozane

mervyn797

What? I'm right here. >D

Male
Seen November 28th, 2011
Posted December 3rd, 2010
1,696 posts
11.1 Years
I'll take your poems one at a time.. xD
Let me start with,
The Value of Love:

More valuable than gold;

Lasting longer than us all;
It's a breath of fresh air;
It's supernatural.
We take it for granted;
Despite its worth.
Our souls are interwoven;
Our destinies intertwined.
"What is it that does this?"
you ask.
The answer, my friends,
Is hidden by a mask.
People hide this feeling;
Ashamed, afraid;
Knee-deep in misery;
Afraid it'll fade.
The answer to all
This happens to be Love.
It holds us close;
Keeps us looking above.
So take my advice;
When I say this to you;
Never stop loving,
Always hold true. <3


This one was pretty good, I'd say, especially for someone who is new at writing poetry. But something you should keep in mind while writing, which I have previously told others as well is sentence formation. I wouldn't say that the sentence formation is bland, but it could have been slightly better.
This thread should be particularly useful.

Also, it isn't a bad idea to divide it into paragraphs, I know that this isn't really essential, but it looks neat and orgainised. ^_^; Also, don't use semicolons so often. It isn't needed that often while writing poems.

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